Tested myself and failed

Of course there is hope. The brain is plastic, even at advanced age. It does not help that you have never been with a girl or if you are older, I will not lie, but the damage can be undone. However, the only thing that will help is abstaining from any further activity. The task ahead is daunting, no doubt about it. But only through that path can you rid yourself of this. There is no other way. Accept that fact. If you continue doing what you have been doing, your situation will not change and you will continue to feel this way. In fact it will get worse.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but this is just the way things are and we ignore these truths to our detriment. If need be, take drastic action from the very beginning to rid yourself of this. Do whatever it takes; this is extremely important. Place restrictions on your devices, seek professional help, take medication if need be, but don’t give up. Consider this a war for survival because it very well may be.

 

I understand the sentiment. I have allowed it to consume me as well. However, consider the shifts in sexual tastes that you may have experienced (I certainly have anyway). While I have certain fetishes present today that were not present before, it is also true that I have rid myself of certain past fetishes that I used to have. The same thing can very well happen to current tastes we wish to rid ourselves of and replace with “vanilla” tastes. Arguably, this is lessened by the “taboo” and “escalation” aspect of newfound fetishes. However, there is a certain appeal of “vanilla” sex that is not present in other things: love/affection. Exploit this in your quest to replace your current tastes with more normalized ones. It can be done, you just have to fight like hell.

 

So lets take the worst case: that you do NoFap hard and well for a year, and none of these acquired fetishes go away. What have you lost? A year of fapping to stuff that probably makes you hate yourself afterwards. That doesn't sound like a whole lot of risk to me. Especially when you can gain your whole future as a normal, happy person. 30 is young.

That's the key right there. You acquired this shit through porn - you weren't born to be this way - and you can lose it by staying away from porn. Many people have reported that their acquired tastes - acquired through porn - go away when they abstain from porn. By your own words, you were born to be heterosexual.

None of this is easy. But you have so much to gain.

 

Not sure what you're asking - too many negatives.

I would say that wondering what girls think about penis size does make you heterosexual - if you were gay, why would you care what women think about that?

Here's an interesting long thread: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/penis-size-bigger-is-not-better.160156/

 

@betterlife1, it is very normal to get thoughts or triggers in the first few days of starting out, so be alert for them. Figure out what emotions/situations/feelings trigger you and do your best to remove yourself from those situations. For example, after a long day at school I am quite tired and my mind is on autopilot mode.

Naturally, I would go to the bathroom to watch P and M to reward myself and make myself feel better. Yet, deep down I knew that watching it would leave me feeling worse off than I was before watching it.

Another example: I was watching TV the other day in my livingroom while working on homework. On the talk show, the guest was particularly attractive and full-figured, so I left the TV on that channel for a few minutes because I was starting to feel aroused. However, I noticed that I was being tempted in the moment, so I switched channels. Eventually I turned the TV off since it was distracting.

Summary: identify what triggers you and eliminate the possibility from those triggers from happening.

 

Is there anything you can try to do when you feel the urges? For the last few days, when I have felt the urges I'll try reading this board and other non P type forums, try meditation videos on youtube, watch TV or listen to music, go for a walk, get a snack, take a nap. Of course there is hope for you! I know how great the temptation and feeling is from various fetishes is, trust me, I really want to go see some of that stuff right now..but we really have to stop if we want to get better. You mentioned using a dildo..can you throw that away? Also, it's fine to get hard from a trigger, but I think the key is to not act on it. I was hard this morning thinking about femdom fantasies and some of the stuff I enjoy, but I didn't M and didn't go check the sites for new content. I was also on facebook and saw a very attractive woman wearing a nice dress she was selling on some garage sale group..another trigger..I looked for a few seconds, but I put the phone down and did something else. A few days ago just seeing that picture would have led me to P. It is hard though, and I think it's going to be a constant battle, at least in the beginning.

 

Let me just say, the whole concept of "testing" yourself in any of these matters is a bad idea.

Just stick to your goals.

 

Going off of Septimus, the thing about porn is that it will always win if we don't have the mindset of it being abhorrent, however pleasurable M'ing may be.

Paul, who wrote 2/3 of the New Testament in the Bible talks about the idea of fleeing in 1 Corinthians 6. He says to FLEE lust and sexual immorality. Think of porn as a fire. What we try to do is try to get as close to the fire as we can without getting burnt. Yet, the fire will always be consumed by the fire if we try to "test it" and get as close to it as we can. We need to be FLEEING from the fire. However, fleeing or avoiding it is simply not enough. Fill your time with activities and new habits that to replace the old habits of watching porn.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a PM.

Søren

 

Yeah. I'm not there yet.