Thank you Ghostwriter, Kenzi and many others.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by neverthelessshepersisted, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Your words have encouraged me, I needed to hear what you said :) You are right, these things we've learned have to be shared.

    I'm glad those words have helped you. One thing that always has been a guiding light for me is the simple truth. A good relationship is filled with love, it has both people being vulnerable and caring for each other's vulnerabilities. As much as we may want to change others, we can only ever change ourselves.

    So, as much as it would be nice for him to do all the things you want (and that he rightly should be doing), it's always going to be on you to make sure that everything that happens changes you for the better. You should always be totally free to express yourself. Your desires are valid and it can be very healthy to communicate them. You need to have thoughtful boundaries for yourself.

    What I'm saying, more or less, is that there is a balance. You appear to be heavily leaning on the side of being what your partner needs at the cost of yourself. You can still support your partner, but you need to be strong to do that and how can you be strong if you are neglecting your own needs? This is why there is the wisdom of changing ourselves. You can bring yourself back into balance even while he still cannot. It's not easy without him, for sure, but it is a necessary thing for you to do.

    Think about this one example you shared where you have all these bad feelings about sexual intimacy. You know what may happen if you set a thoughtful boundary there? It could go like this:

    "Hey, honey, I want to talk with you about sex."
    "Oh! Okay."
    "To be honest, I've felt really insecure with you at times. I've tried my best to be the wife I want to be for you, but the way this addiction made you has really hurt me and I'm still hurt by some of the ways this has crept into our place of intimacy. I want intimacy, but it has been damaged and I'm really hurting."
    "I didn't know this affected you so much.."
    "It really has. I need to make some changes so I don't keep getting hurt. I want you to be free to express yourself with me, but I need to be free to express myself with you too. There are going to be times when I'll want you to stop, and when that happens I want you to understand it's not because I'm being flakey but it's because I'm still dealing with the way this stuff has hurt me through you. I want who you are without the porn. He is always welcome, I love him. But on porn, you haven't been yourself and sometimes you still do things that remind me of that and I can't handle that in bed."
    "Thank you for telling me this. I really didn't know or understand this at all, knowing how I hurt you has made me realize that I want to change for the better even more."

    One of the things that can really wake someone up is a fresh hot cup of reality. It doesn't need to be dished out with armor or boxing gloves :) It can just be shared candidly and thoughtfully and it usually has great effect. That's one of those simple truths. As you change for what you need to be better in this situation, while lovingly communicating the reality of why you are doing what you are doing, it presents the addict with the dose of realization they may have been too blind to see.

    From an addicts perspective, it is SOO easy to think that no one notices and that what we've done has only affected ourselves. It's how we excuse ourselves to go on. If I'm only hurting myself, then so long as I can handle the pain, what's the big deal? That is something that exists outside the simple truth that we are deeply interconnected creatures and are capable of frightening amounts of empathy. He doesn't just hurt himself, he hurts you through who he becomes.

    My experiences are somewhat unusual. A lot of what I know has come from embracing what can be very traumatic things. As a man of faith, I pray and give God heartfelt thanks in the middle of horrible situations. It's come from striving to be good no matter what comes my way.

    When you do that, your heart becomes engaged with life.

    It's about not taking half-measures, but putting all of yourself in. When you take real risks, things start getting all kinds of real. Emotions spring forth and you gotta deal with them.

    It's not easy, especially when you feel broken and unworthy of even getting up to try. You hold onto a simple truth, like, "I can get better" and put yourself out there. Again and again and again and again, over and over and over. It hurts like hell, but you keep going because you know the other simple truth that "unless I get out of this, I will be stuck here" so you don't give yourself the option of quitting.

    It's a bunch of simple little things, that once accepted, drive you forward towards healing.

    When someone does that, everything they need falls in place in time. It's inevitable. If you put 100% of what you can on the table, you'll eventually discover the broken pieces and will have to make choices about what to do with them. It tends to happen naturally.

    Indeed, your words are true and I am so glad that you and @Lostneverland have understood me. A decade ago I never thought anyone would, but here you are proving past-me wrong in such an awesome way.

    I hope the best for you. I hope somewhere in everything I've said you find the strength you need to make whatever necessary choices are needed to put everything on the right track for you :)
  2. I think EVERY single sentence you wrote was filled with SSSOOOO much wisdom..and said so well. Thank you for your thoughts.
    letter likes this.
  3. I LOVE this far, my favorite.


    And this truth is of course critical to embrace / to understand when in a broken, hurting relationship.
    letter likes this.

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