That's it. I don't know what else to do. I give up.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by looking, Jun 12, 2015.

  1. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

    Hello. My name is looking and I have been struggling with PMO addiction since I was 14. I'm now two years older. Long story short, it became a real problem for me after I lost a testicle due to testicular torsion and used it as a way to cope with depression.

    The addiction stuck and it wasn't long until I did some research and found ybop. I tried to quit. Time and time again. Months of relapse. My life began a downward spiral in many aspects. If you want greater detail, you can look at my previous callings for help on this website in the other threads that I've made.

    During one of those threads, I found an AP. He was the best I could've asked for and stuck with me for about a year before he got frustrated and gave up. I don't blame him. I don't know how he had enough faith in me to support me for as long as he did.

    What I want to get at in this thread is simple: I give up.

    Yup, that's right. I give up. Every day for the past year and a half, I have woken up and dreamed of being PMO-free. I've come up with hundreds of plans that are absolutely fool-proof in my head. Pushed through the feelings of futility (like I am feeling now) after relapse. Attempted to change my life completely, time and time again.

    And trust me - read my other threads if you don't believe me - I have as much reason to quit as anyone on this website ever has once they knew the effects of this addiction.

    But, after today's double relapse I realized: I can never do this. No matter how pure the motivation feels today, it will fizzle out and pale in comparison to the urges tomorrow.

    Even if - as I have proven multiple times with 5-7 day streaks that ultimately meant mothing - even if I push hard through those urges and have no regrets for a few days (eliminate procrastination, play instruments, exercise, etc.) I will still fail after about a week.

    I am an addict. My life sucks because of it but there is nothing I can do. I have lost faith. Completely. PMO only got terrible for me after I began despising my taking part in it a year and a half ago. Maybe rejecting it just makes it worse, since there is nothing I can do about it.

    I want to quit. If I could just up and ensure in some way that I am never going to PMO again I'd do it in a heartbeat.

    I see people come on here and speak of their struggles with flatlining and, oh God how I wish my problems involved how little sex drive I have. I wish I could take a pill to turn it off. I don't need a girlfriend. I don't need sex. I don't need beautiful girls to ever even look at me. I just want to stop hating myself before my self-loathing fully crosses over into suicidal tendencies. I can't be far away. Right now I'd never do that. But I also never thought I'd be addicted to incest porn.

    It seems like everyone can come on here and quit - and it's hard, but they push through.

    You all obviously have something I don't.

    I have felt the purest motivation, planned the greatest strategy, and endured the greatest urges. But they always come back to win.

    I imagine I will PMO until I either die or I become an adult (clearing myself of my acne, hopefully) and I find the right product to rid myself of my porn-induced sebhorreic dermatitis.

    For me, this currently is impossible and therefore there is no reason for me to add on the extra stress of hating myself for PMOing.

    I am not one of the lucky ones. And so, I give up.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2015
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  2. tomtom

    tomtom Fapstronaut

    Please don't give up, it is possible to get clean. Quoting your own signature: "Take action and get back to your new - PMO free - life. You can be yourself again. Go for it."
    Kurapika 2 likes this.
  3. Hi looking:
    1. You are too young to throw your life to the trash, you should not do it;
    2. On the other hand, you are in an age where hormones are raging, and this is probably why it becomes impossible for you not to Fap at all;
    3. you should try to be clean in shorter periods of time, start with 2 days, Fap once (ideally using your imagination, not looking porn), and go to 3 days, etc.
    4. Do not have pity for yourself, and do not think you are a loser;
    5. Have you considered asking for help? Can you speak about this with some relative? (I know that this is not the type of conversation yiu want to have with your Mom, but perhaps with some older brother or cousin);
    6. Have you considered seeking professional help , like a psychologist or sexologist? I am sure they can help;
    7. Are you using K-9 or other porn blocker in your computer, so you cannot access so easy? If so, can you have some friend changing the passwrod and not telling you?

    I hope this helps, do not feel defeated and KEEP FIGHTING
  4. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

    I tried telling my Dad (which was very difficult for me, for obvious reasons). He was supportive, but I told him to research the addiction so he could understand how serious it was. It actually had the opposite effect. He doesn't believe P is the problem. Oh well, I tried. There's no one else in my family I could see myself telling. I've tried telling friends as well, but they never take me seriously.

    Maybe #2 makes it impossible. I wouldn't be surprised.

    I have tried to make porn less accessible by using K-9 and keeping my phone in the kitchen. Hasn't worked for very long.

    As for #6, if I reach adulthood and am still an addict, I'll see a psychologist.

    Thanks for the support. And you too, tomtom. With that said, I really think I am done this time. What is the point? Eventually the addiction will take over and all of my methods will fail as they always do. I'll change into that different person who has no foresight and needs pleasure now. I won't feel motivation like I do right after I relapse.
  5. BAM995

    BAM995 New Fapstronaut

    You're that young and already intelligent enough to understand and take on something like this. That's amazing. I can relate to almost everything thing you just said, including the incest thing. I'm 19 and have been trying and failing for 6 months or so. But I still believe with all my being that I will break this cycle and so will you when we are fully READY to succeed. You probably already know this but I suggest just masturbating without the porn. Which still can a tough battle to win but not nearly as hard as abstaining from it all. That's where I am at now, I just relapsed maybe 20 minutes ago. But I believe we both can break these chains. Remember if you never give up you have never really failed.
  6. Guys, masturbation is not bad.
    What is bad is the compulsive masturbation that leads you to addiction.
    Do not let this interfere in your sexual lives with girls
    You are in the drive seat of your own lives, and can act on this.
    I heard in a TED TALK a sentence that helped me a lot:
    "To know if something is good or bad for you, just make two questions:" Where does this lead me? And where will this leave me"
    I think about this every time I feel some urges
    Good luck
  7. Bluejay

    Bluejay Guest

    Hey @looking. Give up if you want, but 10 years for now you will be in really bad shape and kicking yourself evening more than you are now because you didn't make the necessary changes that you wanted to at 16 years old. You're young and have a lot ahead of you. I am 10 years older than you and if I could go back in time and smack 16 year old me around and warn him about what PMO is going to do to him in 10 years I would. Seems like I have a chance to do that now with you.

    Bare with the pain, depression and hardships of being a pimplely little 16 year old kid just trying to get himself everyday through the world (we have all been there). Some advice I would give 16 year old me;

    1. Start exercising. A few times a week, doesn't have to be excessive weight lifting. Anything active. Not a sports or team player kinda guy? Try running, yoga, swimming, tennis, anything that will get the heart pumping and get you outside.
    2. Enjoy high school. Make friends. That cute girl in your class you want to ask out? Go for it! I wish I one remembers high school anyways, just enjoy yourself.
    3. Study/Do homework. You will have no idea what you want to do with the knowledge you are getting but when you finally do, at least you have grasped the concepts and skills while disciplining yourself.
    4. Get rid of social media accounts. Life does not happen in front of a screen. It does not happen on facebook, instagram or twitter. Life happens to you everyday you wake up, right in front of your eyes. Stop to enjoy the little things in life, not what is in front of a silly computer/phone screen.
    5. Work and save your money. Now this advice I already took upon myself when I was your age and thank goodness I did. Find a part-time job and save every penny. Don't buy stupid video games, don't buy cigarettes, don't buy stupid electronics. If you can't find part time work I suggest volunteering. You won't be paid but you will gain experience.

    This is my advice to 16 year old me and you. Cheers.
  8. selecues

    selecues Fapstronaut

    I am not one of the lucky ones. And so, I give up.

    This is an excuse, quit making excuses. dont play victim.

    • For every urge you face, you give yourself a choice. Do you give in, or do you outlast the urge? No urge is uncontrollable. No matter how shitty how situation is at the time, you can always make the right decision to walk away and stay clean.
    • Remember the planting tree metaphore: The best time to quit PMO was 7 years ago. The closest I can come to that is today.
    KingRecover17 and NoBrainer like this.
  9. selecues

    selecues Fapstronaut

    You want a AP come to me when u actually want to do this. Excuses get you nowhere. Pity gets you nowhere. Work does. Simple as that.
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  10. John Son

    John Son Guest

    Thank you Bluejay, you just made my day. Great post and I could not agree more on the 5 points you mentioned.
    If I could turn back time and I would have the chance to go through my teenage-years with the knowledge I have now, I would do a lot of things different. But the older you get, the more you learn not to care about others opinions. Especially from people you don't know or you don't care about - that is definitely a plus.
  11. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Please watch this video. And please, don't give up!
    Yes, you CAN.
    Rashed and thegreatman like this.
  12. What good purpose does it serve? Is there any reason porn exists.... other than for masturbation?
    How does fucking yourself not interfere with this?
    Musta and Kurapika 2 like this.
  13. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

    I've done a lot more thinking over past day, and I've decided that I can't give up. One thing I've always prided myself on is my tenacity. I've failed hundreds of times but I've never given up...Yesterday I really thought I was done, locked in a state of hopelessness.

    But I did a lot of thinking (like I said) about why I used porn: to cope with my sad life that comes from using porn.

    My former AP reached out to me and said I need to realize that I don't need porn to cope. That is what my new life is for.

    I then realized that my new life (exercising, playing instruments, doing everything I want to do instead of using PMO) is not just a challenge - it is something that will make me happy! I don't think I've ever viewed it that way before.

    So I won't be giving up. Now I know I can never do that. Thanks for all the support, it makes me infinitely happy knowing that there are good people in this world who would help me.
  14. H
    Hi Jack
    Porn is wrong, because it is a misrepresentation of real life sex, full of crap and deceiving images
    I do not believe that a teenager cannot masturbate, it is a way to experiment with his sexual desires before he starts having sex with real persons.
    The problem is when this become compulsive and addictive behavior, and interferes in the next step, which is real life sex.
    Perhaps I am wrong, I am not an expert
  15. Hi looking
    Good decision dude, you are too young to throw your life down the drain
    I suggest that you get better prepared for the next streak, you need to have all the " ammunition" ready

    I would suggest you should sit down with your Dad and explain him that you are not bulshitting, and that you are really depressed and worried about what is going on. perhaps you can show him some of the TEd Talks videos, I recommend you Gary Wilson's " the great porn experiment" or Ran Gavrielli's " why I quit porn"
    If you do not think he is the one to help you, think about any other daily around you who can understand that this is a disease and you need help. You cannot fight this alone, even less at 16.
    I a, 50 and I could not have got to my 32 nd. Day without telling to my wife about my addiction.
    My fight against PMO got much easier after I spoke out and she started helping me, PLUS you get much more accountable than when it is a secret
    Also, install K-9 and ask some friend to change the password and not to tell it to you under any circumstance.
    " No porn access, NoFap"
    Good luck and keep fighting until the last breathe
  16. Congrelous

    Congrelous Fapstronaut

    There is a section in the War of Art that talks about "learning to be good at being miserable".

    That's what a lot of things in life require. Tolerance of discomfort. You don't have to accept it, but if you can tolerate it, you can pull through.
  17. As is what we do with our minds when we M. I was not trying to argue that P is not wrong, but that it is simply a logical byproduct of a society full of males who M.

    That's unrealistic and depressing...
    Musta likes this.
  18. Congrelous

    Congrelous Fapstronaut

    The price of freedom is bad choices. One thing people need to accept about other people and their bad choices.
  19. survivor1999

    survivor1999 New Fapstronaut

    looking -- I've had experiences very similar to yours. I'm also 16, and I my addiction began at 14, which is also when I started NoFap. I know the feeling of having fiery determination and a foolproof plan, often coupled with a promise to God, but then failing within a day or even several hours. Two goddamn years and its only gotten worse. The past two months on my spreadsheet have me PMOing 2-4 times a day consistently. Normally studious, my life became plunged in video games and YouTube. I find myself abhorrently complacent. Yesterday I came out of a porn/Skyrim binge and am on day 1. I'd do almost anything to get over this shit.

    I just wanted to say that your decision to to keep trying in spite of everything really inspired me. If it counts for anything, I think we can do it.
  20. dont give up my brother...
    KingRecover17 likes this.

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