The #1 Reason You Continue to Relapse

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Coak Hakola, Jul 24, 2021.

  1. Coak Hakola

    Coak Hakola Fapstronaut

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    You ready for this? This might shock you, drum roll please....

    LACK OF VIGILANCE

    Thats right. This is the reason you continue to relapse over and over and over again. This is the reason people relapse even if they're on 365+ day streaks. It's lack of vigilance. What people don't understand is that an addict will always be an addict. Even if you've gone 10,000 days without PMO, you can still become triggered if you're not careful. Just as an alcoholic can never go to a bar even if he's been sober for 50 years. One must remain vigilant for the rest of one's days. Depressing? Absolutely. True? You bet.

    Heres a post from @Odiebear that I wanted to share to illustrate my point. Take it from somebody with experience:

    "I was clean for 543 days and I had to work on it every single day. The relapse came when the effort stopped.
    Most other medical problems you gotta wake up, take your pills every day, check your blood sugar, do a certain thing. For us, we gotta wake up every day and go to sleep every day applying the knowledge to stop another relapse and stay true to yourself.

    The day you start thinking there's an end to recovery and there's a day you can stop working on it is the day you will relapse.

    I did. And it ruined a really good streak for me. But I gotta bounce back and keep going!"

    Conclusion: Always stay vigilant, no matter what. Always have your guard up and don't ever trust yourself. You will always be susceptible to a relapse. ALWAYS. We can be free from PMO, but only if were vigilant every single day of our lives. What does this mean? This means we must change our lives for good. Completely eliminate all triggering situations, people and places for good! Make a permanent lifestyle change, not just for an x amount of days.

    PMO is our enemy on the battlefield. Do you think soldiers ever relax? Do you think they ever quit being vigilant when the enemy is close by? YOU ARE A SOLDIER. PMO is the enemy always waiting for your guard to be down in order to attack. THIS LIFE IS YOUR BATTLEFIELD! STAY VIGILANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2021
  2. locomia

    locomia Fapstronaut

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    I agree 100% with you,brosky.The biggest lie of the 21st century is that we have to be comfy,and theres no danger ever,and to feel good.And look at us now,look the society,this is what happens when u follow blindly the hedonism.
     
  3. Odiebear

    Odiebear Fapstronaut

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    Good post thanks for the quote!
    I think its important to add that while we need to stay vigilant and practice your recovery techniques everyday or on a really regular basis. It is important to be comfortable doing it, this is your life after all. Take control of it. If you are running yourself ragged to the point of extreme discomfort and stress then what is the point? Maybe you need to take a different approach to it all.

    I found myself about a year and a half ago a bit burned out by the ammount of recovery I was doing every day. I would go on here, talk to several APs, comment on posts, journal daily. Talk to friends and family about it, did therapy, meditation and personal positive thinking exercises. And it was all too much all at once. To the point that I stopped because I didn't like doing it anymore. It kind of took over my life and since my last relapse I'm kind of slowing it down and making sure I do at least one thing a day. Obviously more prevention if I'm having urges.
    I wont let addiction consume me, but i also not let recovery consume me to the point of burnout either.
    Ps. As always... Everyone is different and what feels okay for me might not work for someone else.
     
  4. That's the thing, it's about deep change. In that sense abstinence is only the first change, and every other change is about how you can make that sustainable, which means you need to be able to sustain every other change in order to support the primary behavioral change.

    If you want to frame it as war, then you have to keep in mind the long term, big picture. You can be a foot soldier that only takes commands, get sent in to a battle in the most basic, disposable way or a general that makes the strategic plans, and you might as well try to think more deeply about it to start with because how many people really have that kind of perspective, and even if you can get some kind of mentor like a sponsor how do you know which ones can do that for you? You have to at least know enough to even recognize someone like that, and at the end of the day even with that kind of guidance you still need to be the one that knows what's going on in your own situation because the guidance is from afar from another person, probably more and more people today have a distance relationship that way especially not having in person recovery meetings.

    So I would say that means the number one reason translates into lack of long term strategic planning. If you are vigilant you can gradually build up a plan, you won't have the best one to start with but it will continually improve, and there's always the curve ball life throws at you. But If you understand how things work even in a general way then it doesn't mean always responding with a knee jerk reaction. Instead of dodging at the last second you can see it coming far in advance more and more.
     
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  5. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Fapstronaut

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    I relapse because I'm lonely.
     
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  6. Yes, and there's no simple solution/prevention for being lonely especially these days - so we're really talking about the same thing - the posts so far is just kind of the technical aspect about how to make it work.

    Unfortunately when people are depressed they're not going to look at things in detail, but if you think about a psychologist who understands that they obviously have studied the mind and human relationships in a lot of details. People who are good at relationships (in general) tends to deal with a lot of details in their friends lives, at least remember them and basically understand it.

    In short, there's a way where our emotional experience is supported by the intellect, if the focus is on either one without the other it doesn't tend to work well with relationships.
     
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  7. Abel100%

    Abel100% Fapstronaut

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    La soledad es un problema que la P, muchas veces Empeora, lo digo en mi propia experiencia, Pero se sabe que hay personas que No se sientes solos sino Se sienten Libres , Plenitud ...brazos abiertos.... En fin... Sin duda es un trabajo interno, me he sentido perdido y solo, pero esos son sentimientos, se sabe que con el pasar los días , tendrás las fuerzas para Ya sentirte más libre sean 7 días o 10 días limpio sin PMO. Ánimo
     
  8. A total lifestyle change would've entailed quitting my job, never leaving the house, and never turning on a computer again. Not gonna happen.
    No one needs a total lifestyle change, for crying out loud. A few adjustments can help. Seeking help from professionals helps. Being more mindful helps. More physical activity helps.
    Yup, being vigilant has its merits. But it does not get to the root of the problem. And pmo is not disease, it's a symptom of other things going on that need to be dealt with.
    So, if you are trying hard to deal with your pmo, good for you. But explore why you may be doing it. And if you have trouble giving it up, don't think it's because you somehow lack sufficient vigilance.
     
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  9. Agent 6

    Agent 6 Fapstronaut
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    For me it’s awareness. Which is similar to having vigilance. Two sides to the same coin. Taking every day as it appears, one day at a time. I’m early on in my journey but I can feel that I’m starting to catch a slow…but promising stride.
     
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  10. Yes, it definitely requires a total lifestyle change. I'll have to work on it myself.
     
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  11. Coak Hakola

    Coak Hakola Fapstronaut

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  12. I think pmo is just for now a safe heaven in the sense of the best quick escape from a trauma or/and when feeling depressed, lonely, scared, stressed, bored etc..

    What if you healed the wound of your past.
    I think pmo is not that deadly (like in one relapse and the wound is open again) anymore if you're fully healed. Maybe yeah you can fall back in self hate (because u relapsed) or you break down some confidence but that's on you not on pmo.

    Sure pmo is bad but with all our knowledge and achievements we must be stronger than letting pmo affects us that much later on. PMO isn't telling us things like I'm not good enough.

    I do think we learn along the way and we start to love ourselves. We fixt things, become confident and make some good new relationships with friends/partners.

    I don't say this is the truth, it's my truth. But tell me why can some ex-addicts drink a little or watch a little porn when that was their addiction. I think or they are healed or they found hopefully a healthy way of dealing with shit. Also this isn't a free pass to watch porn again when healed it's just how can some pixels make you go from a god to some noob.
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Well, some people have quit their jobs or change careers, given up computers at home, switched to flip phones and gone to counseling, attend group,gotten sponsors educated themselves. If you haven’t been able to get into long term recovery with what you have been doing, then you need to really ask yourself if being clean is really your priority and if the answer is yes then what do you need to change? It may be that you do have to do those things in order to be free.
     
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  14. Coak Hakola

    Coak Hakola Fapstronaut

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    Exactly! I don't know about anyone else, but I will do whatever is in my power to be free from pmo. I would burn my house down and live on a deserted island just to be free if I could. Sobriety is that important to me. My question to everyone here is, how important is sobriety to you and how far are you willing to go to be free?
     
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  15. I seriously wonder how many people quit their jobs in order to stop their pmo, but all the power to them if they did that. Somehow, I suspect their job was not the problem. But, if that's what it takes, then go for it.
     
  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    That’s kinda my point. The recovery rate for this addiction is abysmal. I only know of 3 men who quit their jobs to go on to completely different careers but all are over a year clean. My husband retired early at 52 because of the high stress and nature of his job. It cost us thousands, but totally worth it. Sone people won’t need to do that, but if it’s something that’s keeping you in your addiction then it’s something you have to change. Your whole life changes when you’re in recovery. Sometimes you have to let go of friends, change jobs, leave relationships. Get rid of internet, computer, tv , smart phones. All of the above. Maybe you don’t have to do all of that, each addict is different. For many though, it takes a complete life change.
     
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  17. Coak Hakola

    Coak Hakola Fapstronaut

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    Beautiful. This was the exact point of my thread. So many people on here don't realize that an addict must change his life for good and always stay vigilant for life. Willpower might work, but studies show that willpower is like a muscle, the more you use it, the more it fatigues. Willpower is unreliable and it's always better to be smart than strong.

    “Research shows that people who think they have the most willpower are actually the most likely to lose control when tempted. For example, smokers who are the most optimistic about their ability to resist temptation are the most likely to relapse four months later, and overoptimistic dieters are the least likely to lose weight." - Dr. Kelly McGonigal
     
  18. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

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    jeez, way to make suicidal thinking come back with a depressing reality.
     
  19. better123

    better123 Fapstronaut

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    YES. LUST IS A CHRONIC DISEASE. THE MEDICINE SHOULD BE TAKEN EVERY SINGLE DAY, with high dosage. AND THE MEDICINE IS VIGILANCE!
     
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