The 2nd 6 months of recovery

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Torn, May 2, 2018.

  1. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    I've seen the statistic somewhere, and I can't remember where, that the second 6 months of recovery is when a PA is most likely to relapse. Does someone here know where that information originated? It seems @TryingToHeal posted something by Patrick Carnes a couple or so weeks ago that had the stages of recovery or something like that?

    Also, my partner has been feeling low and irritable. I'm wondering if this is common during the 2nd 6 months, also. It seems like once the dopamine wears off, and the brain fog is still clearing, maybe this could be a challenging time -- that will pass? I don't know. I do feel for him and wish he could feel better. I also feel for me, as I'm still bleeding from the betrayal trauma, still feeling unwanted by him. I'm also trying to maintain my own sense of happiness and joy, and it's hard sometimes when we're under a big, dark cloud. It seems like it's always something preventing us from that wonderful, intimate connection I feel like is completely possible in a relationship but has been so elusive. Anyway, I hope this is just a phase of recovery. Anyone else have experience with this?
     
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    That wasn't me I don't think (though I have a terrible memory so anything is possible). I do remember hearing that and it was Patrick Carnes that said it. If I remember correctly I think it was @Sadgirl that posted about that.
    As for our experience, so far the 2nd 6 months has just been stronger in resolve for recovery. On July 1 it will be a year, so we are pretty solidly into the 2nd 6 months and so far so good.
    I'm sorry he seems down and irritable, that has to be really frustrating for you. Is he working on finding the root of the problem, self-love, etc.? I think that was the most helpful for us... him finally deciding he was worthy of love, from me and from himself.
     
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  3. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your response! Yes, that totally makes sense about self-love! His main tools right now are his weekly SA group and a workbook by Patrick Carnes. I asked him what he thought of seeing his therapist again for some individual therapy, but he didn't seem to think that was necessary. How did your husband finally decide he was worthy of love?
     
  4. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Maybe it was @TryingHard2Change who referenced the Patrick Carnes article about the stages of recovery?
     
  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    @Kenzi posted something with stages of recovery but I don’t remember what thread.
     
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  7. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    We had been talking a lot about us, the past, his past, his childhood etc finding the root of this. Then one day he was breaking down crying after I was just telling him how hurt I was, that we obviously didn't have the same ideas about what marriage was, all this stuff and when I saw him break down crying I reached out to him to hug him. He said in that moment he just felt like this huge mental shift. That I could be so devastated by him and all he had done to me and still reach out to comfort him, that he knew I loved him, that he was worthy of that, etc. We also talked about why that is why what he did hurt me so bad, because of how much I loved him. If I didn't, I wouldn't be that hurt. It is kind of weird, I know, but it really did change his mindset in that moment and everything changed for him then. He tells himself he loves himself in the mirror every day, takes care of himself like he didn't before, etc.
     
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    There are 3 versions (that I'm aware of) of the "stages of recovery"
    I posted what I found to be accurate.
    I know there are at least two other timelines (but even possibly more than that?) ... I think I've seen another in youtube form if you want me to post it also?
     
  9. @Kenzi, if at all possible, I'd really appreciate having a look at that Youtube one.

    I was looking for more info on the 70% stage and I can't find much on it.
     
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  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Of course! I think it's called reluctance or hesitance or something before really diving into recovery (in other platforms)
     
  11. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  13. I believe this PDF file is what I linked a few weeks ago....pages 8-9 are a really good overview of the stages of recovery for a PA:
    https://www.iitap.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/ARTICLE_SexualAddictionAndCompulsion_PCarnes.pdf

    ..

    Also, this page is interesting...the stages of recovery for the SO:
    https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-stages-of-recovery-for-partners-of-sex-addicts/
     
  14. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    I would like to offer my advise despite not being in the second 6 months yet.

    Your second paragraph is worrying me talking about the big dark cloud. In my recovery (within the last month) my SO and me have a brand new deep best friend relationship, deeper than when we started dating about 3.5 years ago. This came after i started my REAL personality changing grown up no holes barred recovery.

    You should have a deep meaningful loving connection by now being so far into your journey, i'm not going to pretend that you won't still bleed from the hurt as i believe that it takes SO's a very long time to start recovering properly. I would urge you to talk to your PA, it seems from my side reading your post that his mood is in a dangerous place nearing relapse (hope this is not the case). You both need to be happy and content in your relationship or why are you still together. I am forever grateful that my SO stayed and will never truly understand why she did for so long knowing the pain i caused. SO's are amazing people for putting up with PA's sh*t as we have given it in spades.

    I wish you every happiness in your future wherever it takes you both.

    I say this a lot now but i have a link on my signature to a book that has made my REAL recovery, if your PA is serious and needs a better perspective ask him to read it, it helps, for SO's too but after PA's, it will make sense after reading.
     
  15. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, everyone!

    @desperate for recovery, we went through a period like you described -- very close and connected. It's more recent that it seems he's in this negative space. You are right that it can be early warning signs of danger of a relapse, and fortunately, he's aware of that. I just don't want him to forget. I'll talk to him some more about ways to get to the root of things. As for you, I'm very glad for you and your wife that you've got a genuine 107 days of recovery and that you're doing so well!
     

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