The beauty and beast of the relapse/reboot in my marriage.

I'm a lucky guy.
I have a good life, a wonderful kid and a wife that has never given up on me even when I was at my darkest and I felt like leaving. I've been building new friendships and trust which had been lost in my past.

I used to have the worst kind of spite for people. I remember wanting the world to fall apart and see everyone miserable so I didn't feel alone. I was a walking cocktail of dopamine depression and darkness.
I. Hated.everything.

But I still kept myself alive. I was numb, but not dead.
Morbid? Definitely. I was my worst critic. My spirit broken. My perception clouded, my logic and reasoning thrown aside.

I met my wife coming out of a painful summer. The words she said to me still stick. 'If you need to take some time to walk in the forest I'm right there with you'. And she never went back on her word.

This past year has been monumental. I've been learning what it means to love, especially to love myself. I've gone through many relapses, I've tasted many victories. Overcoming my PMO addiction is improving day after day. I slip up, I troubleshoot. I have 'firewalls' on my phone put into place for P and social media now as we speak. My wife has been really proud to see the progress that has been happening in my as well as OUR lives.

She's open minded, compassionate, and a rarity. I wonder what I said or did to have her in my life. Remember forest gump, the part where his son Is 'so smart' and breaks down? That's me right there too with our lil guy.

I'm truly living. I'm more engaged, confident, happy, positive, less moody, depressed (diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder) after starting this nofap journey.

I'm trying new things! It was only a couple days ago I tried shisha for the first time in my life (never smoked or smoked up in my life) with my wife with the pipe she bought during her pilgrimage in Jerusalem. She has balls of steel to bring that back that woman LOL.

We watched the sun go down on our back porch Sunday night, cuddled, TALKED. I have to note that the sexiest thing I think we did now was make out while having a 'session' LOL.

It was a special occasion, not an everyday occurrence of course.! it pretty much aroused both of us that night. I'll leave it at that lol. Great 'us' time, great experience, great sex.

So awesome in fact that I had the chaser effect happen the next day
BUT I won't use Sunday nights' experience as a trigger excuse. I had a mini binge that made me feel like puking once I got out of bed. I looked for apps to help with preventing triggers and Liz helped me out with the password stuff. I'm hoping this will be the end of caving in, but if it happens we'll work through this together and learn from mistakes.

Neither of us will give up on this journey. We're gonna fight this thing. Together.
<3

 

Thank you Sadgirl we're not over this yet but that hilltop is definitely getting easier to climb as we progress!

 

You're quite welcome SOso! Stay strong! <3