The color Green, and Los Angeles

I've been hopelessly loosing any hope these past 3 months, because I was talking with a girl for 3 months and then it just ended. Let me explain the whole story:

Spoiler

I met a girl on an online dating site, we first talked on instagram, and then onto an app called Whatsapp (texting through wifi) She was the first girl I ever called on the phone, and the first girl that I can say I got past all the rough, "Hi my name is" without being completely destroyed. Her favorite color was the same as mine, Green. I had so much in common with her, right down to the way we felt about almost anything, yeah we argued about somethings, but the major issues we agreed upon 100%. To say that I had found my match, the person I knew I wanted to live forever with, the person I felt like was my better half, is an understatement. That being said, she had a worse past than me with another dude traumatizing her about relationships. We talked daily, about anything, everything, whatever. usually I started the conversation, but she was interested in me, she was just a listener not a talker like me.

Spoiler

Anyway, I finally got the chance to meet her in Los Angeles, CA a mere 1,600 mile distance from my home. At first I was extremely nervous on what to say, so much so that I was shaking. we had talked for 2 months by now, but now we would meet for the first time. the first meeting was good. we went to Little Tokyo in Downtown LA, and ate at a japanese restaurant. My parents and little brother were with me, and they helped both of us calm down and relax. We parted ways, but not before I got a side hug, then we left for a week as we went north to Tacoma, WA to visit a friend. I loved that half of the trip, I got to see some amazing things on the west coast. After we left Tacoma, bad weather prevented us from going straight east, so we went south again to.... LA for the second time.​

The second visit was better than the first, by now we knew what each other looked like, and acted like, so it wasn't completely new. we took the metro from LA to Pasadena after we met up in Little Tokyo again. Pasadena was setting up for the rose bowl parade, and we mainly just walked down and back the strip of stores. She had to go to work so we had to cut our 2nd visit short. This time, when I got off the Metro, I forgot to say goodbye, so I quick jumped back on, gave her a full front to front friendly hug. That hug, I can still feel it. ​

The next day as we were on our way back home, I messaged her a poem I had been working on since the first visit. Then we get back home.​

Then the problem started.​

She was too busy with work, I was too busy feeling like crap for being so far away from her. I told her "I love you" I wasn't looking for a response to it. afterwards I couldn't even get her to have a friendly conversation like we once did. We broke up 2 weeks after the "I love you". I felt so bad, because I was impatient, I said things I shouldn't have, I tried to apologize but by then she had closed off all communications with me, so she never saw me apologize.​

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Now it's been 3 months later. I feel like because of the bad relationship that turned out to be, and how I was at fault for it going sour, that I shouldn't be allowed to date again, I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, since I well know the heart crushing, despair of heartache. I don't want to be a 'poison' to a relationship, but because I'm impatient, (something that isn't uncommon for my family) I feel like I can't help it. I also feel like I'll never get married (something I long for more so than anything) because I shouldn't get married. Even if there is a girl (which there isn't) I feel like I need to nip it in the bud so I don't hurt her like I hurt the last one. So to alleviate my pain, I turned to porn. I had been clean of Porn for about 1 year after struggling for 9 years. I was elated to be free of porn. However this being my first actual relationship I've ever had it hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. then to turn again to something I hate. Makes me feel like crap. it doesn't help that I've been depressed for over a year.

Now I'm hooked more on porn now than I was at first! I don't even watch it because I'm horny, and I don't find the women appealing, I'm only watching it to have a respite of relief from this hell my life has become. After each viewing though, the joy turns quickly to anguish far more painful than the brief joy I had just received. It doesn't even really matter what type of porn as long as it's not homesexual men.

To summerize: I'm a lonely, white, 22 year old male, with little job experience, an associates degree that is better off being used as TP, jobless, penniless and depressed. Oh and also struggling to even get through each and everyday knowing what I've done, is all my fault, and that my own unhappiness is because of me.