Hey everyone. One of the greatest things I was told to do was to consider, really and truly consider, how my actions are effecting my spouse. I thought it would be good to have a discussion about the impact that our pornography use, affairs, lies, gas lighting, victim blaming, victim mentality, manipulation, etc. has on the people we profess to love. There are 2 aspects of hurt that can potentially occur. 1. The acting out. 2. The deceit, or as Dr. Omar Minwalla says, the secret sexual basement. The secret sexual basement is a metaphor. Imagine you have a home. You and your partner and your kids live in the home. There is the family room and living room, kitchen, bedrooms. In the home there is peace, mostly. Memories are made. The family is happy. But hidden under the carpet is a trapdoor that leads to a secret sexual basement. This is where acting out happens, affairs happen, fantasy happens. No one knows about the secret sexual basement other than the person acting out. This existence of the secret sexual basement, the secret world, is extremely traumatizing for most partners. What negative effects does your partner experience/has experienced due to your choices? Here are just a few from my relationship: She doubts herself. She believes that she must be an idiot because of what I have been able to get away with undetected. She has physical ailments. Emotional abuse (pornography use is emotional abuse) leads to physical sickness. She distrusts others. She was generally a trusting person until the person she should have trusted most betrayed her. She questions every memory we ever had together. She doesn't know when I was acting out, lying or manipulating and frankly I can't remember every time. So she wonders if any sweet memory we had was real. She doubts her relationship with God. How could he let this happen. I pretended to be a devote Christian while living a lie.