The day my Marriage changed...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MaKa, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Hello all,

    I am very new to this group and thankful to have stumbled upon help for myself and my husband. I found out yesterday of my husbands Porn addiction that has been apparently been occurring for years has just shattered my world to pieces. I feel betrayed, hurt, angry, cheated, and broken. Hoping to find some support and guidance on coping and hopefully saving my marriage. I'm struggling immensely, mostly due to the feeling that our complete marriage has been nothing but a total lie. I'm absolutely crushed.
     
  2. Girl, I know that feeling oh so well! The feeling that everything was a lie. That is incredibly relatable for me. Let me reassure you of some things that I have learned since struggling with porn myself.

    1. Your man can struggle with porn and also love you and love your body at the same time. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true. He is not having a relationship with these women. He likely doesn't feel the "intimacy" you are imagining. These are lies I couldn't get past, no matter how many times my husband explained it to me, until I struggled with it myself and realized he was right. I love him immensely, he is super sexy and gorgeous, I enjoy our intimate times together, and yet porn is still a big constant struggle. It has absolutely nothing to do with my husband or anything he lacks, and your husband's problems with porn likely have absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you lack.

    2. Everything is not a lie. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true. That time he said he loved you... that time he told you you were beautiful... that time he vowed to be with you til death parts you... that time he decided he couldn't live without you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you... none of that was a lie. That was all sincere and true and from his heart, and I'm sure it is still true today.

    3. Porn really is an addiction, similar to drugs. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true. Porn and masturbation are so so incredibly addictive. The hormones the actions and images release are incredibly similar to taking a hit of a drug, only in some ways even more difficult, because sex is everywhere in our culture. It's nearly impossible to avoid, and everywhere you turn you're being bombarded with temptation. Before I struggled with this myself, I really did not believe that. I tried to tell myself that, but I just didn't buy it. I thought it was a cop out. I thought, "If you really love me and you know this is hurting me, couldn't you just... you know... not freaking do it??" Yes, there is always a choice, but you really have to liken it to drug use or some other addictive substance and try to understand all of the other factors that are in play here.

    I think these are the three biggest hurdles I had when dealing with this problem, when I found out about my husband's addiction. If there are any other hurdles and hurts you are dealing with, please feel free as a bird to express them. There are a lot of women here in your shoes, and a lot of men in your husband's shoes. I'm kind of uniquely wearing both pairs of shoes, so I would love to share any experience I can that would shed some light on things. I prayed so much for clarity and for God to help me understand his addiction, because I truly didn't get it. Rather than waiting for answers, I decided to explore them on my own, check out some porn to "see what the hype was about." I don't recommend that, by the way. But, by God's grace, He's allowed me to learn a lot from that. In a round about way, my prayers were answered, and I do understand. I hope I can help you understand in some small way, so you don't have to go through the same pain I did back then!

    You guys can get through this. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true.
     
  3. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Takingthesteps:

    Thank you so very much for your kind words of encouragement. I just went from feeling complete despair to having a slight moment of peace and hope while reading your response. Thank you.

    To give a little background, Married for 3yrs, together for 4, completely in love with the man of my dreams. So I thought, anyway. I walked in on him "PMO" at the beginning of living together and my hurt/struggles began that day. Over the last 3 years I have walked in on it 5 times. There were many other things that also casted doubt in him and his double life behaviors. He lied to me repeatedly until he came clean yesterday (but still wasn't completely, forthright) many ommisssions I believe to avoid discussion, shame, and hurt. He gave more truths today and I suspect this will keep coming at me like a ton of bricks. We had previously attempted counseling but he denied it all, even though I knew in my gut. So I gave up because I figured he was gonna take all of his secrets to the grave.

    Porn to me has always been a thing I used in past relationships, and this one at the beginning, as couples. I'm def no prude to it but also know limits and boundaries and what I'm willing or not willing to accept in my marriage...which is very sacred to me. I believe that the lies and the secrecy have damaged me to the point of no return.

    Right now, I feel even more lonely than I have in the last few years. I want to support him and help him because I love him, but I also love myself and feel like when I tell him this, he seems to forget about the impact of what he has caused and is much more interested in watching the Superbowl while I'm in tears, debating on how I'm going to pack up my belongings and run the hell out of here before I feel anymore pain. Complete devastation. I'm alone in a new state, with no connections and nowhere to turn. It's difficult to share this particular topic with close friends that adore him and don't know these struggles.

    I am trying to get past "taking it personally" but I feel like I'm worst now then ever. Because of this, I have lost self-confidence in myself, I have spent hours trying to improve, trying to compete. Trying to keep his attention to only want me. I lost his exclusiveness, or I guess, I never had it to begin with.

    He called for a referral to therapy yesterday. He says he wants to be the man I deserve. He says he loves me to death. Yet, now I feel empty and drained.
     
  4. I have to point out what an incredibly huge thing that is! I don't know if my husband would ever do that. That is really great.

    I totally understand your hurts, love. I've felt all of those same things. But do know that it can get better. I really did feel exactly the same as you -- trying to plan how to get out of this situation, crying my eyes out, often wondering if he even really cared or understood how much he was hurting me. But today, I can say with 100% honesty that I'm more in love with my man than I ever have been in my life! I truly did not believe that was possible, but that's where we are at right now. If he wants to change, which clearly he does, or he wouldn't have made that call, then you can get through this.

    He's also being more open with you, it sounds like, which is another great and essential step. I think you two will be able to make it through this, honestly. I look forward to seeing how you grow through this tough experience. Is your husband planning to join NoFap as well?
     
  5. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    This advice is so spot on! Speaking from a man's perspective, I agree with everything. My wife was crushed as well. My porn use had nothing to do with her for I love her dearly. I thought that once I got married, I could stop. Not true, for there are many reasons we self medicate with porn. The best thing I ever did was confide in her and utilize her for support. She was my biggest supporter. Here is where women are far more nurturing and loving than men. If the tables were turned, would I be as supportive? Most men run (sadly me included). I am amazed at the beautiful nature of so many women that are sincerely striving to help their men. We men need to step it up! May we abandon the fantasy and become real men who take care of all our responsibilities which include adoring and honoring our wives. He must be completely open with you if there is any chance of him quitting. I wish you much success on your journey! We got through it and we emerged stronger. I believe you guys will get through it and become more united. As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I say, "The unexamined marriage is not worth sustaining." Stay strong! Win!
     
  6. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    Great advice. I am more than happy to provide any support/advice he may need.
     
    MaKa likes this.
  7. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. Yes, we found the site together yesterday. We read through the process and he joined first. He is user Graysont. We are very new to this format so it's taking some time to get used to all of the threads, posts, and process all together. He is not much of a typer, but at least is putting forth the effort. This was a breakthrough, him coming clean, as much as it hurts like hell, I needed it from him in the worst way or I truly believe it would have ended our marriage for sure. The lies and distrust is a dealbreaker for me. I've been asking, begging for it for years. I finally got it. He says he hit rock bottom because of my reaction after walking in on him. He said he will never forget the utter despair and pain on my face that he caused. He appears to be extremely upset with himself and ashamed. It seems strange to me that he hasn't seen this face in pain throughout, it's been there, but I'm not complaining. He finally seems to understand what his actions are doing to himself, me and us.

    I feel pretty lousy today, still, but trying my best to think positive thoughts, and remember the man I fell in love with.
     
  8. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. He is Graysont. He is very new to this format and navigating the threads and process. He very much desires the support and help, please send him a note. We are definitely in crisis mode, but hopeful nonetheless. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
     
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  9. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Day3 of truth

    "You can choose not to enable Him but also choose to stand and fight with Him for your marriage" I very much want this, with every bit of my soul.....I woke up this morning and was for a moment feeling daunting, downright depressed. I did some quick mental positive thinking, remembering, recognizing, and appreciating that my husband kissed me in my sleep to say goodbye this morning and told me he loved me. He has never swayed in doing this. No matter how angry, sad, or busy he is, he is steadfast is always telling me he loves me. It's a double edged sword for me. I love him so much it hurts, but readily admit, I have not done this for him, in return. This constant struggle of feeling "less than" and "replaced" has made me in some regards, cold. I have good days and bad, but the bad seems to be winning these days, and I find it difficult to say I love you no matter how much I may feel it. After all, I don't really want to make him feel better when he has made me feel so terribly awful. I feel selfish just the same. He deserves my love unconditionally as well. It's a struggle.

    The lies, the deceit, the pmo has occurred throughout, since the beginning. It was all lied about, every last word. How in the heck does trust come back after this? He lied in counseling about it, he lied to my face repeatedly, daily. I can't wrap my head around it. The pain has been there throughout because I had some very strong suspicions and caught him in the act several times but was sworn, it was not a problem. The lies hurt beyond anything else. I feel I have allowed this to consume me, and it may now get worst, now with knowing the truth, or at least some of the truth. I feel damaged beyond repair. So completely broken.

    I am a survivor, I have long been in some very painful experiences throughout my life. Abandonment at a young age, physical and mental abuse, a couple of failed marriages due to codependency, and an unfaithful husband. This though, is new to me, it seems to hurt the most out of everything in my life. I can't police him, I can't control what he does, and quite frankly, don't want too.

    I thank everyone so much, appreciate your words and experience. I need it! The guidance and support, I believe whole-heartedly in the process of healing. I have learned over the years, it's ok to reach out and ask for help. I'm not great at it, but I'm trying....I want my marriage. I love my husband.
     
  10. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    I love my wife and I'm sorry for what I got her into. She supports me now and she's happy with me going thru the fight day by day.
    My PMO addiction was out there way before I got married. I didn't know I was doing such harm. Even my wife was telling me it didn't bother her. I thought she was cool!
    Well, she was telling herself that she didn't care, but it was causing her issues.

    There is hope Melissa. Don't take it personal, its not where the problem is. The problem is Porn. The porn industry making money off the men and women who indulge in it. The brain reactions to the stimulus...

    Please go on YOURBRAINONPORN.COM and watch videos about the "science" behind the addiction. You might even watch such videos with you hubby.

    If you husband was a smoker, he would spend some of your hard earned money to smoke and hurt is lungs. If he was an obese person, he would get bigger and bigger, hurting his body, eating 5 meals a day. He could be an alcoholic and drink his face off, losing his driver's licence.

    Your husband, just like myself, got caught in the "dopamin rush" addiction.

    Look for Chaser effect, coolidge effect, and learn about those things. The mind is a powerful thing.

    Take care Melissa, wish you the best.
     
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  11. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Ikindaknew....taking it personal is exactly my most difficult hurdle in all of this. I have been pained with this every single day for years now. Managing to have some good days while holding hope that he was in fact being honest and forthright. He was very good at deceiving me and manipulation. Now, although I feel relieved knowing the truth, and I wasn't delirious, I don't feel any better. I thought that the truth would at least do that for me. I'm scared of the unknown, I feel so sad, and betrayed.
     
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  12. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Just remember this is becoming more and more common. It helps to know you are not alone. Keep positive.
     
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  13. This is so awesome, girl! This is a game changer, for sure. You guys can definitely get through this.
     
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  14. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    With all of these roller coaster emotions, for so long, I now sit here franticly anxious in knowing my husband is on his way home from work. Knowing he needs to be the one who initiates the work in front of him, knowing I will likely have awful visuals in my mind of his possible indiscretions on his drive home. This just plain sucks. I want to run out of here, before I feel anymore pain from this beast of an addiction and what it has done to damage so much in my life, and his. I'm sick with grief.
     
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  15. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    Done! You are most welcome. May you guys heal from this problem and grow ever closer. We men don't understand that women prefer an honest man over a perfect man a billion times (correct me ladies if I am wrong). May your grief turn into joy and happiness. Perhaps we may hate something that is good for us and we may love something that is bad for us. God knows and we don't. Stay strong! Win!
     
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  16. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    Don't be so hard on yourself. I can understand how difficult it is for you especially if you had no idea. I can only imagine how mad I would be if my wife did it! I honestly don't think I would be nearly as supportive.
    She was sooo hurt for she never expected that I had this hidden problem. Honestly, I did take a serious hit in her eyes. We are in a very good place, but I do feel that I tore an irreparable hole in her heart. I don't want to sound pessimistic. Trust is like a glass vase. It is strong and whole as long as it does not fall. Once it shatters it near impossible to recreate the original pristine form. We can glue it together meticulously, however, it will never assume it original form. We have grown as a couple and continue to work through our issues. We have our ups and downs as everyone else does.
    These are all natural feelings. You are so justified to feel them. I did the same bull shit. I lied through my teeth. She would always sense when I was PMOing. She could tell that I was cold and distant. Even if she did not have any proof, she has the 6th sense (as all you women do) that something was not right. Trust your intuition for it is usually correct. I kept telling myself that I am not telling my wife about my PMO to protect her...bull crap. I was rationalizing so I could continue my addiction. We will never conquer PMO until we are completely honest with our spouse. I pray that he will recognize that.

    My heart goes out to you!
    This is key! May your love increase for each other.
     
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  17. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    I promise you it will get better. Focus on the present for that is the only moment that we have. Forget the unchangeable past. Don't get so caught up in the anxiety ridden future for it will not happen or it has not happened yet. One day at a time. Stay strong!Win!
     
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  18. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    This is such a true statement and feeling to me! I actually recollect saying these exact words to him on many occassions. I suspected and told him that I understood even why he would continue to lie, because he was already so definitively caught up in it and couldn't go back on all the lies and suddenly change his story. I told him he was safe with me, if he could just open up and come clean, it would give me at least that comfort of knowing I could rely on my husbands word. He still insisted keeping the secret and saying a firm "no" everytime. Until now....hope exists. I respect him now, for his truth.

    Thank you taqwa, I really appreciate everyone's support! It's especially comforting to not only hear the support from the woman and men who have suffered the pain as partners, but also the woman and men who suffer this addiction. The perspective, advise, and above all, the recognition of the problem, has not only been refreshing but extremely beneficial in beginning our personal journey to heal. As we get further along, I hope to be that same valuable support to others.
     
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  19. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Funny story (well...kinda funny)

    I woke up feeling alot better this morning. Last night went better than expected. Everything unplugged, and just solid open communication, quality communication the entire evening. Refreshing! I soooo needed that, and so did he. His eyes looked rested for the first time in a very long time.

    So, I remembered I needed to mail out my daughter's and son's Valentine's day cards, and write and sign my husbands card, that I had purchased a few weeks ago (prior to his Truth Day). I re-read the card and the 1st line read: "No words can begin to tell you how I feel. To know I can always count on you being real."

    Needless to say, I'm going to store today to buy another card. :)
     
  20. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    My wife so amazingly said the exact same things. It took me a while to finally believe it. Men just think a little different then women sometimes. We feel we have to be perfect in front of our wives; the proverbial knight in shinning armor. Once I realized this fallacious thinking, I finally could let my guard down and I began the healing process.

    You are most welcome. Thank you for sharing your story and by proxy serve as a wonderful lesson for many to follow. I sense a strong beautiful soul inside you. Things will get better! Praying for the best. May you guys build an even stronger more authentic relationship!
     

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