The day my Marriage changed...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MaKa, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    Big heart smile :)
    So incredibly happy for you guys. Indeed, there is much ease after little difficulty. Hang in there. I had to hold back the tears :)
     
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  2. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    I thought I would share this here. My 24yr old daughter, in the military living several states away has sensed for quite some time that I am not particularly myself these days...down and out, anxious, and stressed. I just received a notification of a post with an article that she shared to my fb. I'm sharing this to my journal, for it to be a happy blessed reminder, that I am loved, loved unconditionally. Through all of life's struggles, we are all blessed in so many ways, someone else certainly has it much worst than I do. She seems to know when I need a boost and she so thoughtfully gives. I'm lucky to have her. This is her post:

    This article is just a small collection of the things I have never told you, or do not tell you enough. Mom, you are my hero. I have never met someone so absolutely beautiful on the inside and out. I am thankful everyday to have been blessed with the most loving mother anyone could ask for. I treasure every laugh, every tear, every lesson learned. I am SO your daughter, we are so alike, and I love every bit of it. There is no one else I would rather be like when I "grow up". I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for giving me a wonderful life full of love. If you are ever feeling down, just know that there are two young lives in this world that you have made complete. We are beyond lucky. #bestmomever

    Dear Mom,

    I just wanted to say thank you for being the best role model a girl could ask for. For all those times that I complained about something that seemed like such a big deal at the time, thank you for keeping me sane and assuring me you just want the best for me. Although often times I don't show it, I would be lost without you.

    Your constant guidance has taught me many things throughout these years. Without you, I would never know right from wrong. Whether it was as simple as an inappropriate outfit I wore at the age of 16, or as stressful as what I want to do when I grow up, you have always been right there guiding me in the right direction.

    Your constant love inspires me. You never fail to cheer me up when I'm sad, or send me an "I love you" text message, just because. When I'm having a bad day, one minute I'm in the best mood ever and the next I'm miserable and for some reason you don't get upset.

    I know you will always tell me the truth. Whether I want to hear it or not, you know what's best and you make sure I know that. I know I can always look to you for advice because you will tell me how it is and that's what I love about you.

    Thanks for being my biggest fan. Ever since I was a little girl you have been at everything. Every awards ceremony, every sports game, every dance recital and every birthday party. Rain or shine, I know I can count on you to be there and to be honest, that's the best feeling in the world.

    You're my "go to." If I have a question involving school, boys, friends, work, a sickness or dinner, you know the answer. They say moms know everything and they're not wrong. I don't know how you do it, but your intelligence amazes me.

    Lastly, thank you for being my best friend. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a mother like you and I wouldn't change it for a thing. Even though we have had our fair share of disagreements, we make up for it with all the good times and memories we share together. I just want you to know, you are the best mom in the whole wide world and I hope someday I am half the woman you are.

    Love Always,

    Your little girl

     
  3. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    I am not surprised! The apple does not fall far from the tree! What a heartfelt letter! Thanks for sharing. It certainly lifted my spirits to see such a soulful connection between the two of you. May God protect her and bring her back home safe. May you and your family have much peace, happiness, and tranquility. Stay strong! Win!
     
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  4. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Taqwa! All the best blessings to you!
     
  5. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Rough day today and I'm not sure I have the strength to support him. I feel totally defeated in this. I'm exhausted.
     
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  6. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    I don't think we can support anyone 100% of the time, especially when our partners are only just LEARNING how to support US. That's why we can't be their accountability partners. We give what we can, when we can. But don't feel like you HAVE to always be the perky, always on, cheerleader in this situation. That's too much to ask of anyone.

    Remember the old adage about the "love bank"? You pay into it by giving love, kindness, and support to your SO. You can withdraw from it as long as there is a balance. But if one partner is constantly selfish and not contributing to the 'bank', it's overdrawn. There's nothing left in the tank, so there's no reserves to help when the affection well runs dry. They've created the deficit.

    Our partners require support. But because they have been polluting their minds and walking around in a porn fog for so long, they have no clue the extent that they have neglected their relationships. So now that they're trying to get clean, it's realllllly hard to give them even more.

    Three cheers to all the supportive SOs here who are also doing their best day by day to deal with the situation at hand and support partners in this journey!
     
  7. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I appreciate the support. I'm hanging in there...I often times feel better in just getting my frustration out in writing. It's just one of those days! The lies are my biggest hurdle, I'm sure like so many other partners.
     
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  8. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Don't feel bad about being exhausted. I have MANY days like this. You can't possibly support him without feeling bad yourself. We need to take care of ourselves first. You can't offer support to others if we're feeling less ourselves.

    Some days I don't want to get out of bed. That's ok. Don't be too hard on yourself xx
     
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  9. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I need those reminders. xoxo
     
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  10. Unfortunately for many of us, hitting rock bottom is the only catalyst that brings true change and a real understanding of how this addiction affects our loved ones. In time, you both may come to cherish his own personal rock bottom as the day you both decided to grow closer together and strive to make that ideal marriage you imagined a reality in truth. Everyone on this thread has been spot on with their advice and insight, and I'm sure they can more eloquently state it than I can, so I just want to say I'm rooting for you guys and I can't wait to see all the wonderful progress you will make.

    I know there's rich irony here in other addicts trying to give you hope about your partner's own addiction but I can truly attest to the progress I've made due to this site and the support structure here. I implore you to make those connections, listen to the advice and work hard at this and you WILL see change in your relationship and your husband if he's willing to commit too. It's not going to be easy and there will be days when you just want to throw in the towel but it's so worth it in the long run.
     
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  11. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    A day of personal healing, solitude and thought

    I have taken today to gear my focus on healing. I came to the conclusion that I was literally hurting myself even more, on top of all else. I became consumed with my unrealistic thoughts and began to almost lose control from all of the negative toxicity in my brain. I was creating more fear, anxiety, distress, and even feeling physical pain. It has to stop, or it will wreak havoc to my soul.

    I'm a firm believer that positivity goes a long way. I almost have to make myself go there, by redirection if I catch myself feeling anything other than that. Putting myself in the positive mindset of making myself feel better by focusing on healing, forgiving, supporting, and loving. Even with all of the pain and deception, I, in my heart, know how very much I'm loved by this wonderful man I married. This is a really positive thing. I see how much this has also pained him and I see his burning desire to heal himself. If I allow this to consume me, it will beat me down. I'm vowing to myself, that I won't allow it too.

    This is a good day. A reminder to myself that ONLY I have the ability, strength, and control to make everyday as good as this.

    I hope your all having a good day and I'm sharing my smile in case you might need one. :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2016
  12. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Hello Jen,
    Thank you so much for your VERY eloquently put words. It's very much appreciated and I'm beyond grateful for everyone's support.
     
  13. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    I have spent countless hours, just thinking. Thinking about all that has presented itself in my little world. Thinking how all of the turmoil, grief, and pain just comes to us, without asking or caring to know if we can handle it. It fights to stay with us, and wants us to fuel and harbor it. I'm not going to follow that destructive path...I'm kicking that sob's a**. Now, thinking of all the good that comes to us, we welcome it, we need it, we crave it. I want it.

    I am taking accountability.
    In my thoughts I had an epiphany. I have realized that I fueled my husbands addiction. My reactions to his repeated deception, and my reactions of his behaviors were downright degrading. I am human, I make mistakes. I react. Looking back, I now see and feel badly about words that spewed when I was hurt and angry. I put him down, I made him feel bad about himself, I was beyond angry... Justifiably so, however still not healthy reactions. Had my reactions been different, he may have opened up more, he may have felt safe to. He may have felt better as a man and husband. He feels so much shame, and I have to take accountability in that. I'm guilty of contributing to that shame, I made him feel alone, I made him feel unworthy, I made him feel awful, I wanted him to feel awful, just as awful as he made me feel. I was wrong. It's difficult to react any other way when you have been betrayed, cheated and lied too. Nonetheless, I'm learning that no matter how someone treats me, my reactions could make a huge difference in the outcomes.

    Ironically, when I thought he needed some help, and we turned to support here, therapy, and taking some mental health days for myself, I've discovered I need just as much help as he does. Not because of the pain that he has caused, but because of the pain that I feel. The pain is mine. Every time I told him I would leave him, in his mind it became "it's not a matter of "will she leave me", it's "when is she leaving me". Every time I told him his actions were disgusting, in his mind "he was a disgust". Every time I told him I deserved better, he felt "unworthy, hopeless, and less than". I own it, I have a part in this, it's not just his problem. I held onto it to fester and grow like a proverbial seed. It's time to let it go.

    So, I now am committing to begin healing myself. First and foremost. I need to re-train my brain. I'm taking accountability for MY behaviors, words, actions and reactions. If I want a healthy happy marriage, that we both truly deserve and want, then it starts here. Right now. No more destruction, self-pity, blame game, or shame. My husband is addicted to porn, to making himself feel less pain, he is soothing the pain. My hurtful ways of reacting to my pain, became my addiction, I was soothing my pain by hurting him back. The ping-pong table just collapsed.

    We will get through this.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2016
  14. This is beautifully written. Sometimes it's hard to recognize our own behavior in the face of our partner's issues and how our reactions can negatively impact them. You WILL get through this. You got this!
     
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  15. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    As will you! Thank you!
     
  16. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    My first reaction to this is - Wait, stop it! You were totally justified in feeling how you felt and reacting how you did. If you hadn't, he wouldn't have felt like he needed to change! No one should ever apologize for an honest emotion. You should feel how you feel. It's part of being honest with yourself and those around you.

    But then I started thinking.....there IS a time and a place for revealing those emotions. I felt the exact same ones. I desperately wanted him to hurt like I was hurting and it made me angry when he didn't. I didn't feel like he was sorry ENOUGH. But I also didn't want to kick him while he was down. I wanted him to get better and be able to be be the best version of himself. So I gave him my honesty in little bits. Some here and a few days later a little more.

    I view him as two different people. There is the man he was before Nofap. That's one guy. The man before NoFap I am disgusted with and I think he is trash. I hate him. A lot. He caused me years and years of pain and self doubt. Being married to that guy was awful. I felt like I was handcuffed to my abuser and couldn't escape. He was mean and selfish and incapable of being a friend.

    But the man he is now is someone I can care for. We can cuddle and laugh and be awkward and embarrassed and honest. This man can be my friend and consort. He can sacrifice and admit to his mistakes. This is a man I don't want to hurt. I don't want him to suffer more than is necessary for him to get well. THIS man is one I can respect. I care what he's thinking and feeling. And he is interested in my well being.

    So do I still feel angry and hurt and betrayed? Yeah. That OTHER guy was horrible. But This new guy is helping to make it better.

    Now if he could just make me coffee in the morning.....
     
  17. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    It's a book and we are on the same page Wifeinthedark. Too bad we couldn't just fast forward and skip to the happy ending. But, in all reality, as we all know, that without the heartache and anguish throughout the story of our lives, we probably wouldn't appreciate the happy ending as much.

    LOL...l would love that greeting of a cup of java myself! Perhaps my positive changes will give him the boost of change to get brewing!
     
  18. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    This is so very true. I certainly know this and I don't excuse or take responsibility for his betrayal, lies, faults or actions. As I also understand and realize my feelings and reactions were justified. His faults are his and mine are mine.
    When I confronted him with all of this last night, his immediate reaction was the same as yours. He said "It's not your fault!" He felt really bad that I was actually taking blame. This was change! Those three words showed his earnest, his desire for change, and his deep understanding of how he has caused me to feel. I explained that I'm not taking blame for his part, I'm taking responsibility for MY part. I'm slowly getting that man that I met in coffee shop back, that man I fell in love with. This is giving me hope, happiness and a path to forgiveness. :) To be continued...
     
  19. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I read recently that we are all responsible for our own feelings. We own them, control them and are responsible for them. Other people have an influence on them, but how we respond is up to us. If we want to be angry, we can. If we are sad, that is on us. If we want to react with joy, then we have it within ourselves to do that. No one can make us feel a certain way.

    Same applies to our husbands, if they feel guilt, shame and disgust, then that is their responsibility. Not saying that we don't have an influence here, but ultimately they have control over their feelings.

    i think we all need to be careful to not take responsibility for our husbands feelings. This is getting into co-dependency territory and it is something to be aware of.

    What we can be responsible for is how we speak with them. What we can do is show empathy. Speak clearly and without judgement. Separate our feelings and emotions, so that when they speak we truly understand what they are saying, not just our interpretation of their thoughts. Take out the analysis and just listen. Make sure we are understood when we speak and are clear with what we want our partners to do with this information.

    I have been trying this, but not very successfully. I read the book Non-violent Communication and it is great on how to communicate in an empathetic way. I really recommend it. It sounds like this is what you are trying to do and this could help you.
     
  20. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your post. I completely agree with you and now looking back at my post I see that I wrote that I was taking responsibility in his feeling of shame. That was definitely not what I meant, in the way it was written. It certainly does sound co-dependency-ish! My mistake! I was journaling my feelings of how my reactions may have contributed or influenced to his negativity, shame, and disgust that I feel for him which in turn made his feelings 10 times worst. I am far from taking responsibility for him or his feelings and merely taking responsibility for my part.

    I have always communicated in a way that was clear and empathetic. Even when I've been hurt beyond words. For me it's all about timing....My problem was that my initial reactions were HORRIBLE! In doing this I had already set the tone for disaster. I planted my disgust in his brain. By the time I calmed down, he felt pretty darn useless, and so did I.

    I have spent far to long blaming, feeling infuriated, feeling cheated and feeling self-pity. Who was I hurting by this? ME! Yes, he saw my pain, which in turn made his pain worst, he deserved it. Yes, My feelings were justified, but how long will I allow it to bury me? It wasn't accomplishing anything. I'm taking a hard look at the whole picture FOR MYSELF. For my own self reflection. If it in turn helps my relationship, I'm a happy person.

    He is making progress in opening up, he is taking the right steps toward a healthier future for himself and for us. All good stuff, I can't complain.
     
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