The day my Marriage changed...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MaKa, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    "What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger."

    Well, we woke up. We were breathing. We are not dead!

    We will get through this.
    We are gaining strength.
    We are hopeful for change.

    Goodbye yesterday.
     
  2. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Last night was the 1st night (since day one of joining nofap) that I went to bed alone. Sad and angry. I admit, I had fear that my husband would resort to his old ways of seeking comfort for himself. To be honest, I was so angry and tired, I gave up and distanced myself from him. "Go ahead, make my day", I said to myself. (he might have heard me).

    I woke up at some point in the night and felt his arm around me, this was change. Prior, he would have fallen asleep on the couch.

    Upon making my cup of coffee this morning, I noticed that the giant heart Reese's chocolate that I gave him for Valentine's Day was in the garbage, with nothing left but the wrapper. He ate it all. I felt really sad for a moment, that he might feel bad about himself now, that he might have a stomach ache today from all of that chocolate! But then I felt incredibly loved, cared for, and appreciative of the choice of comfort that he chose for himself. Obviously, as much as we all know, this choice is not the best healthy choice for him, but he chose the chocolate over the pmo. For that I am grateful.

    Now I'm mad he didn't save any for me. ;)
     
  3. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you're feeling a little better today Melissa .... *hugs*
     
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  4. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Changing the familiar:

    Simple words and phrases, don't ever seem to change. The "I love you's", the "I'm on my way home's, the "I'm running late's". It's habit. I'm noticing that these words and phrases that have been part of who we are, and feel.... are now tainted from betrayal and broken trust. When my SO say's anything, and I mean anythingggg, it gives me instant reminders of all of the deceit. All that comes to mind is "I've heard that before". It's almost as if our entire existence as a couple needs to completely start over, from scratch. Learn new ways to express ourselves, use different tones in our speech, and different words to get our point across. That familiar speech, whether it be in person or by text, needs change.

    I had a decent day yesterday. I went to my first individual therapy session, as did my husband. We had a good conversation when he got home and we both openly discussed our day and how our visits went. I felt the convo starting to decline for me from there, due to these "too familiar" words and phrases. It puts me in that unsafe place of feeling betrayed, and I'm struggling to shake it off. I'm sure this is par the course, but still trying everything I can in my power and abilities to overcome, or think of ways that will help. I think to myself, gosh, that seems kinda silly, He said he loved me! Why is this bothering me so much??! Then, it happens again, with other familiar phrases. I can't change how I feel. I explained all of this to him, and he totally understood it. That's encouraging, I'm not alone in how I feel! I sincerely think that if we try to change our approaches, words, phrases, and delivery to one another, even in the most daily things we say, it may help alleviate all of the negative reminders of the past. Because after all, we aren't living there anymore, and we don't want to! We are here today, and today is a new start.

    On another happy note:
    I went out to the garage this morning to do my exercise routine. In the midst of my bicep curls I glanced over at the treadmill with the bright red LED digital screen blinking. I guess my husband ran almost 2 miles this morning. This is new. First thought that came to mind was "he hit the treadmill to avoid a potential trigger". I'm sticking with that thought! :)....Not only did I notice the numbers flashing on the screen, but I noticed he thumbtacked a photo of us on the wall above the treadmill. I had happy tears. Even those simple things that he does that remind me of who he is and how much love we have for each other. Adding this to my mental and written memoire's of change. I am grateful for the thoughtful, loving man that he is.....these are the very attributes in him, that make him who he is, that I fell in love with.

    Although there are soooo many hurdles ahead, that will involve pain, heartache, anger, and sadness....I have some peace in knowing that we are on that path together. It won't be alone anymore.

    Username change: A hidden reminder to myself. ;)
     
  5. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    It is hard. Words mean nothing now. It is about the actions. We need to see and feel change. I told my husband I needed to see and feel loved through his actions, as his I live you's do not mean what they used to. We cannot rely anymore on words as they have done this before.

    Rebuilding trust means being trustworthy. His words and actions need to match, he needs to be where he says he is, if he is late he will need to call, in essence he will need to work very hard to make sure that he can be trusted. This will take a very long time.

    When it seems difficult, just remember that change takes time. It will take time for him to change and longer for you to be able to see it.

    Glad that you had your therapist appointment. You need support to help you through this. I really do hope that it felt good to have someone to speak with. It is such a difficult topic that it is not something that we can freely talk about.

    I really recommend the book non-violent communication. It might help you to both read it. It will give you a framework to change the way you speak to each other. Take a look at it.

    You are in this together. You're both on a good trajectory. Things will improve but it will take some time. Till then, hour by hour.

    X
     
  6. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @TheWife. I will take your recommendation, we need it, and yes I agree with everything you say. Improvement in all aspects is ultimately what I'm striving for. Hope you have a great day!
     
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  7. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    @TheWife:

    In my google search for the book, I stumbled upon two smartphone Apps for this topic as well. I installed both, and from what I see so far, it looks like a great easy quick tool to use! The first one is called "Non Violent Communication" and the other is called "Kindmind". Thank you again for your advise and support!
     
  8. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Fantastic. I'm off to check them out too!
     
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  9. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    I like the 1st one NVC much better! It literally puts your whatever feelings and needs you check off into sentences! Simple and effective :)
     
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  10. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    I have an android samsung galaxy phone .... I'm in need of trying this .... I tried doing breathing and meditation .... Sometimes helps .... I just can't let go of the images that he looks at .... I told the therapist on my last visit and she said in time the images will fade and the incident of him spending the day with his favourite pornstar he obsessed over her on our anniversary he was late for our so called special day .... He lied blamed traffic whatever .... I hope this app helps .... I feel tremendous anxiety it comes and goes :(
     
  11. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    It looks like a good tool to use for better communication when we're dealing with our feelings of anxiety stress or anger. Hang in there I know how you feel. You're not alone.
     
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  12. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    @MaKa
    Thank you ! I hope my bf realises fantasy is not reality and wakes up in reality soon .... I returned my engagement ring to him on valentines day .... He made a mean remark that he hopes he can get good money for it :(
     
  13. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    That's pretty darn hurtful. I'm sad and sorry to hear that.

    There are lots of great people on here, going through very similar situations as you. Your doing a great job at trying not only to help him, but yourself! Stay informed and keep your spirits up, easier said than done, I know. The support here is invaluable, it gives us more clarity, knowledge, and advise to help ease our days. Hugs!
     
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  14. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Keeping the peace:

    I'm learning so much. About me, about him, about us. All because something that needed to come out, finally came out. So much starts to make sense, and come together in your mind, when your hit with truth. When your hit with something other than what you thought was reality.

    I, know me, well enough to know that this all would have been still worked through, had I known from the start. It may have been easier back then, minus the deceit, but it could have taken many different paths as well. We are on this path for a reason.

    I'm gaining the knowledge and the tools that I need to move forward as a partner. I'm also gaining the gift of digging deep within myself, there's always room for improvement and self-discovery.

    We had an in-depth conversation last night. Instead of feeling lost, insecure, frustrated, alone, or that loathing feeling of "your being lied too".....It ended up so much different. I was extremely fearful, sick to my stomach fearful, during that pause of silence following a question that I really needed to ask him. My inner-voice was screaming "OMG, you moron! You are about to get stabbed in your heart with an answer that might put your marriage in a coffin!" The hesitation was a mere few seconds, but felt like an hour! I got my answer. My heart is intact (I think it did a cartwheel :))...there is no burial planned.

    On that note, we are really good today. We both want nothing more and nothing less, than simply each other. This is giving me so much peace today. I'll take it!

    I hope you all have a really positive, peaceful, warm-hearted love-filled day. I can't express enough how truly blessed and thankful my husband and I feel for the kind, genuine, honest support you all have given us. Thank you.
     
  15. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Glad things are looking up for you both love. Things will work out if you keep working at it. People tend to think relationships just happen, but I've found to get a truly happy, fullfilling relationship takes work. Like anything else in life, you get out what you put in xx
     
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  16. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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  17. graysont

    graysont Fapstronaut

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    We are here today and we are trying to renew our happiness, you have helped me and done so much work showing me your love and devotion for me and change for our future. Thank you for helping me and healing yourself in this journey to our better life together.
     
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  18. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    I can't believe that two weeks have gone by since my husband and I signed up for Nofap. It truly feels like six months to me.! I look back at some of my posts and I don't even remember writing them. That's almost scary to me. The amount of anxiety stress fear hurt anger and sadness must have put me in a trance state. It feels good to be where we are at now even being so soon in this process. Today I'm feeling super grateful for my husband's strength, determination and motivation to only move forward from here.
    I am looking forward to our future together, because now,....I can actually believe in it.
    Have a great night all!
     
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  19. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Hi - He won't have seen the pain before because they are convinced they are doing nothing wrong. My hubby is @Silverback. He comes on here now and then but for him to write his initial story was a huge deal. Your hubby sounds like he really wants to repair the damage caused now. It's amazing the difference when they finally see what we've been saying isn't it! It does improve...the trust issue is the hardest to deal with...... stick with him, talk to each other to let each other know how you're feeling. It really helps. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2016
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  20. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    You're allowed a 'down day'........ it's tough on the wife/partner too. Give yourself a break. Read some of the other threads from wives.... we have days when we are really angry and need to vent......and then we can breathe again! Other wives/partners are, off the top of my head, TheWife, DireMerl, WifeInTheDark, GamerWife85, Rav70.... and more.
     
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