The day my Marriage changed...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MaKa, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. graysont

    graysont Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for recognizing my efforts, thank you for standing with me, thank you for seeing our marriage has a future. Even though I have clouded truths and dishonored you with my betrayal with porn. I cannot have any greater debt to pay as I do to you.
     
  2. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    I swear, some days seem so much easier and lighter than others. I suppose that's a good thing, right? If all days were brutal then we might be totally screwed.
    It's all pretty exhausting though to go from mad to sad, back to mad, and repeat 25 times in a 24hr period. Some of my husbands "too familiar" ways of responding/reacting to me. Like when he asks me "What's wrong?".... and in my quiet voice "PLEASE DON'T ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG, I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS!" If my answer is not something he wants to hear he goes into caveman mode with his remote control in hand. Completely checks out, shuts down and no one exists to him. (this could go on for days, even weeks)

    I can't function like that. I need to get it out. I do understand why he shuts down and it's all starting to make sense. How he "retreats" to make himself feel better, but then feels worst....and the cycle continues.

    I know that the levels of frustration and anger have led me to tossing a coffee mug, putting a hole in the wall from opening the bedroom door too hard(I slammed it), and a few shattered remote controls. I admit it, I have broken things. I justified it with "well, he broke my trust, he broke my heart, he broke this marriage!" I break things to make me feel better. It may be wrong, but it does calm me down almost instantly. Needless to say, as much as it may work for me, it's not ideal and I'm working on this.

    We managed to come together after the tornado left. It was refreshing to hear his words, instead of silence. I may not completely trust in his words, but I'll take whatever I can get right now. It's effort. I am doing everything I can to stay above water here. I realize he is too, I see his struggles. Nothing happens overnight in this journey. Little bits here and there to lead us to where we want to be. My hope is that he can remember that the storm does wind down when he takes that initiative for improvement. In other words, take your time to think about it (without the remote) and then come find me when your ready. Please and thank you.

    In my travels today, like everyday, I will have us on my mind. Our fears of the future are certainly real, we both have them......but at the end of the day, we are both still here, working at this.
     
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  3. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    add a coffee mug, some drywall, and a new remote to that. ;)
     
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  4. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Maybe try some self defence classes or something lol. Seriously though. Its good to have an outlet for that emotional energy. I bottle mine up until I feel like my head's going to explode.
     
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  5. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    lol. I'm looking into a boxing ball ;)
     
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  6. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I've got a boxing bag. It helps. ;)
     
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  7. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    I might buy some plates to smash. Xx
     
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  8. I bought a box of pencils. Breaking those helped me. I thought about getting plates too but haven't done so yet.
     
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  9. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    Does anyone else feel as though they have a new full-time job? With Overtime? Seriously...I'm ready for a vacation.

    I'm trying, it's all I can do. One person, can only take so much at one time. It just keeps coming at me like bullets. One person can hear all of the right words spoken, but not see them in action. What happened to: Say what you mean and mean what you say. I just don't know anymore.

    So, I don't have much else to say today.

    On a good note: All dishes, coffee mugs, walls, doors and remotes are intact.
     
  10. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    "Are you being honest with me?". A liar will not answer the question honestly. An honest person will eventually prove their honesty with or without the question. B-i-n-g-o!

    I'm soooo done asking that question!


     
  11. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, it's the unanswerable question. If you have to ask it, no answer will work.
     
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  12. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    So true. It worked for my kids, having the opportunity to catch it when they're young. :) Too bad we don't have that same fortune with adults.
     
  13. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

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    When I read these comments I don't understand how I can get the advice "tell her". No way in hell I want to do that now. Do you women also agree I should tell my wife about PMO ?
     
  14. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    @FredSamson if reading your post in 'can anyone decide these girls behaviour today' women are manipulative.

    I don't understand why a lot of men ask for advice from us ladies on here if you think these things about us.

    My advice would be to be honest. Honesty is the cornerstone of marriage. Most of the Women on here aren't as upset about the actual porn, as they are about the constant lying. I know when my husband actually admitted his slip up the other day, I was pleased. Obviously I was disappointed he had relapsed, but I was much happier knowing he had been honest with me.

    Lying prevents real intimacy. Which is part of the addiction problem in the first place.
     
  15. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    @FredSamson
    My husband is broken from porn
    My heart is broken for him
    My marriage and trust is broken from lies

    It's lies that put my marriage in jeapordy.
     
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  16. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

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    DireMerl & MaKa

    Thank you, I now understand better. It makes sense, when I think about it these lies actually hurt our relationship allot. I lie about other things as well which leads to me staying away from her even though I would like to just give her a hug.

    Regarding my comment on female behavior I am also the first to admit women are the strongest sex.
     
  17. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    My husband said this morning it's been extremely stressful and difficult for him to even remember the lies told. A constant guilt. I can only imagine it was all clutter in his brain weighting him down, us down. Not remembering when he lied, what he said the last time, and the time before that. Lies always get tangled and caught eventually anyway. The consequences of being caught in the lies is tenfold over just coming clean with complete honesty.
     
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  18. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    As a woman and a wife, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree. No relationship can survive and flourish without honesty. There's no real trust without honesty. Holding back from telling a woman about this part of your life is a dishonesty. She will sense you're not 100% in, even if she won't understand why she feels this way. She'll sense that you're holding back.
     
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  19. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    @FredSamson I'm betting your hug will be better received when your truly open and honest with her..
     
  20. MaKa

    MaKa Fapstronaut

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    So much in my life has changed in the last 28 days....
    I haven't been online as much in the last couple of weeks. For me as a partner, it has helped my general well-being to just clear my head. Taking the weeks to simply decompress has been utterly refreshing. I can't say that a day goes by that I don't think about it all, because that is so very far from the truth. But, I can say when it enters my mind, I've been able to process it and collectively move forward with a more optimistic sense of peace. Ironically, even while remaining mostly internet free, it's amazing how many reminders I have witnessed just in checking my email, CNN news alerts, and television. The awareness of Porn addiction seems to be coming full circle and really is surfacing in many outlets, articles, interviews, and celebrities speaking out about their own addiction. It's good to see that people are talking about it, instead of hiding it. In my opinion, hiding it just gives the addiction power. Talking about it, it becomes powerless. My hope is, this continued awareness will someday inevitably obliterate the porn world. Far-fetched, I know,but it's a healthy thought anyway. I see awareness bumper stickers in our future. ;)

    My husband is 28 days free of pmo. He has made huge leaps in open communication and many positive changes. He listens to audiobooks on triggers, building trust, and a few other inspirational cd's while on the road. He says this has helped him tremendously. We also continue weekly individual therapy. We communicate with each other differently, we listen differently, and we show love differently. We essentially just met, 28 days ago. I am still deeply pained by all of the deceit, however, with all of the positive changes, I do see some shimmers of light. I see change and steps in the right direction. I hope it continues!

    Each day we get stronger, even with the setbacks along the way. We are fighting through it, because quite frankly...he is worth it...we are both worth it.

    Hope your all doing well...xo
     

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