The False Self We Create

When we date, don't we just present this false self to the person we're with? Then we continue this false character as the relationship develops. Because if our SO truly finds out who we really they will want nothing to do with us!

This is what Brené Brown said in a TED Talk:

For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."

And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

Here another quote from another talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

We do a great disservice to boys on how we raise them; we stifle the humanity of boys. We define masculinity in a very narrow way, masculinity becomes this hard, small cage and we put boys inside the cage. We teach boys to be afraid of fear. We teach boys to be afraid of weakness, of vulnerability. We teach them to mask their true selves, because they have to be... "hard man!"

The quotes are about what is expected of men and I know women have their issues with showing their true selves but I feel like like I couldn't show a woman my true self. I think women can't stand men who are vulnerable. It's like they have created the image of what a man should be in their mind and don't want to actually know the real man beside them. I know the same could be said about women. Alicia Keys sang about it her song Girl Can't Be Herself and in the full talk Brené Brown talks about the shame women face.

But it's like we just are too scared to reveal who we really are and it makes me feel somewhat depressed and alone. With a woman I want her to know the real me but I think it's a mistake to do so.

 

Sure. The TED Talks I linked to might be helpful too.

 

im trying to be myself but you know - in front of a woman theres no way to be a pussy or a weak guy. its natural for men to behave as if they were stronger,bigger and smarter. this is how we work and its cool