The Fear of Exposure Kept Bringing Me Back

I thought I would share this with people who might be dealing with the same thing.

Porn had always been a thing in my life but it was more casual. If I had to rub one out, I would put porn on to help finish the deed.

NoFap talks about things like escalation. Which, in my case, didn't go too far because of porn. I have other problems like being bipolar. I wasn't even diagnosed until 5 years ago which had explained my insane sexual drive and need to womanize as well as have risky homoerotic sexual encounters as well.
I was able to put the cap on all that after being medicated. But once it was all over, Porn became a coping mechanism for me. Whenever I was stressed, I would look. Or when I wanted to think about something else, I wanted to look. This of course goes hand in hand with any other vices like alcoholism - so by all means, stuff that in your back pocket because I will bring that up soon.

Anyway, so escalation started creeping in and I began getting bored with porn. With all the same shit I kept seeing over and over and over again. I decided I wanted to see my wife online. I wanted to see others get off on her. So I began posting pics of her in various sites. I am not some cuckold or something. My wife is pretty hot and I knew dudes would react positive.

Fast forward to now, 6 years later of posting her all over the net. For the past year, I have begun to feel guilty so I began a journey of tearing all the pictures down and for the most part succeeded. And porn, to this day, really, I don't know, I am numb to it. But so my problem was that I wouldn't go on porn sites to look at porn, I would go to look at her. For the past year, I maybe found a few pics that floated around. Out of every damn day looking at naked exposed wives, I found her maybe a handful of times. I wanted to be in control. To be the one to post not have her spread around. I lost that control and it bothered me. I would look every day. Use key words on multiple sites to find her. So much time was spent doing this, it affected every aspect of my life including work.

Not just that, finding some of these wives in the process got me off.

I've reached the point probably for the past couple months that I can't do it anymore. I can't let this control me. But I had other issues also. Things like alcoholism as well. So I quit drinking first. Went through the whole thing. And I promised myself if, I made it to day 7, I would stop caring about if she is floating around for a while and focus on my porn problem. I am now on day 3, no porn - no sex - no masturbation. Day 10 of no alcohol. Today is the hardest day of this "NoFap" journey and is the longest I have ever gone in the past 12 years. I am 100% confident that I will make it through this desert I put myself in. I only desire to be normal again. To be human again. To see my wife as a human and satisfy both our needs like normal humans. I miss being normal and I want to go back. I am determined to go back.

If anyone wants updates go ahead and ask here. I will be honest. I also wanted to share my scenario with you. The key for me so far has been understanding that Porn itself, isn't my only addiction. The harder one was alcoholism. Once I kicked that or knew I could, I knew I could kick anything.

I hope this pricks the ears and hearts of the people who are in my same situation. Thank you for reading.