The feminine approach: connection

I am not a severe porn addict, I've been alone most of my life and I just have hormones and naturally crave for the naked female body from time to time. It's only that for more than 15 years I have this idealised self-image of celibacy that keeps me being frustrated as I can't reach it and both don't want it but can't relinquish it either... I feel fapping and sometimes porn or in more stressfull times strange but exciting ways of experiencing my sexuality just feels compulsive and not in line with my deeper spiritual ethics and the aspiration to be free of all compulsiveness. That's my context where I finally stumbled on the nofap community.

But I never felt good with the 90 days procedure, although I was striving for it for more than one year, but for me the process of examining and exploring the inner field was more interesting than the goal... although still somehow I'm keeping a calendar and trying to stripe away the days that I'm clean... but at the same time I feel less identified and attached to it.... I do understand this approach, which is probably an important step for some people much further down the road, but to me it's a very masculine way that actually perpetuates the suffering and conflict that I'm trying to break free from; it's just more of the same kind of self-disciplined, self-hatred approach that doesn't actually make me feel grow as in my experience it is born from a disconnected state and just mirrors that...

... what I would like to propagate as both a more interesting approach, means and goal of this 'NoFap' thing... is the striving for a better connection with the experience of ourselves by all the ways on all levels to increase our closeness to ourselves, to what is truely present in feeling, physical need, deeper desire, aspiration, fulfillment or pain of which the disconnect just reflects itself in exaggerated behaviours as a hopeless trying to feel something or completely mute it. I am experiencing much more growth in myself, my guidance, my value, excitement and fulfillment when in so many different ways I allow myself to land in what is. All else just automatically and naturally takes its own place, and for me in fact that doesn't mean celibacy, neither does it involve sexuality as the main thing. I just feel more and more that a deeper and much more spacious meaning and experience of life and myself is what I want and who I am, and my sexual desires fit in where they land naturally land.

For me this is a feminine approach, an tantric approach, an approach that embraces and trusts life and life-force and everything that is present instead of trying to push away things, even as dark or crazy or distorted they may look. If our endpoint is a more integrated self, we have to start with it...

So for now, I just want to name a few things along the way that have really helped me and still, on different levels, all important - NOT to make the 90 days or longer periods of abstinance - but to feel truly happy and alive and appreciating the wonderous never-ending unfolding of ME:

- integration with essence, by essence-work, eg. diamond approach/logos teachings and personal inquiry; being comfortable with discomfort and recognize deeper states underneath the holes you are experiencing or masking...
- integration of my childlike, life-wondering and expressive state, by just starting painting or colouring or singing or moving, when I feel stuck, can't sleep, feel lost, ...
- integration of my creative energy and building confidence by making that garden, calling a gathering of fathers as fatherhood is important to me, recording a spontaneous dance on a song I like or expressing my appreciation for a workshop I followed and posting it on facebook revealing myself
- integration of my masculinity and especially letting go of all wrong images of manhood, by connecting with other men in sharing and doing men's work
- integration with nature and my body (same!) by garding, slowing down especially in the input of information of reading and social media feeds, instead going for a walk or a ride with the bike, just lying on the ground resting, going to bed, eating, not in a scheme, but just in a listening way and the confidence that 'less is more' and brings me the fulfillment I desire in the present instead of an idealised future
- integrating my need for intimacy by cuddle parties, touching the people I love in a more conscious way, giving myself the gift of an intimacy tantric healing traject
- integrating my day and personality by a short journaling or reflective writing as I'm doing now
- and last but not least: integrating my boundaries, shadows and qualities, self-guidance in the relational field and SO much more by engaging in authentic relating games and the circling community which I REALLY fullheartedly recommend as a speedway to growth!

I guarantee when you start doing a few things of these, you WILL change and all these unnatural behaviours which are NOT you, will fall away in a natural way by this process of integration that will leave you much more happy and close and consicous of the fullness and richness that you are!

Some key words:
- take full responsability and know your life is important both to you as the world!
- look for connection and truth, in both mixed as unisex groups
- curiosity and trust in YOU (body, heart, mind, spirit) and your every experience!
- embodiment, slowliness, space, naturalness
- creativity in dance, art, do and create what makes your inner child happy!
- a lot of softness and true and deep love to yourself
- know that all that is necessary for your fulfillment is here and now inside yourself and use your anger to get rid of all the self-hate, self-critic, self-loathing
- focus on balance and grounding

I am curious of hearing about your reflections, experiences, ...