The Four Weapons of Highly Effective Non-Wankers

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by InnerMan, Mar 30, 2021.

  1. InnerMan

    InnerMan Fapstronaut

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    Wassup to my fellow aspiring non-wankers!

    The Battlefield

    I've been a PMO addict since I was 18, compulsively wanking away my manhood, often several times a day, with the only noteworthy success occurring in the past year or so. Nearly 80 days ago, I set out with a specific goal of achieving 120+ days of nofap + semen retention, so I'm 2/3rds of the way there. Since I'm married, I didn't want the goal to interfere with my sex life or my wife's needs, so sex has been happening on the regular. That has been quite challenging for obvious reasons, often intensely so, but also incredibly rewarding.

    While I haven't achieved my 120 goal yet, I've had some decent streaks over the past year including this one, and have gained some insights along the way. I'm hoping these insights will be of use to others as they have been to me. I also figured writing them will hopefully serve to reinforce my own streak and tide me over to 120 days.

    Just to set the stage, why the use of the word "weapons"?

    Well, I like the analogy of war for nofap because of so many parallels shared between them. For example, both require awareness, strategy, discipline, grit, courage, creativity, adjustment/flexibility, resourcefulness, sacrifice, and a willingness to suffer for the greater good. They both also inherently include an aspiration for victory. Afterall, we want results!! The sacrifice is not the aim, its the means. The aim is to gain territorial ground in your own mind and heart and to then use that territory to cultivate awesome shit. To become a New Man.

    This is indeed a war between truth and falsehood, good and evil, beauty and ugliness, strength and weakness, growth and decay. The battlefield is not out there, its in here, in YOU. You are both the terrain and the warrior. You are the loser, you are the victor, you are the enemy, you are the friend, you have the courage, you have the fear, you have the strength, you have the weakness.

    And more directly to the theme of this thread, you have the weapons. If you dig really deep you realize you ARE the weapon.

    It'll take a few weeks to write about all 4 weapons. I'll aim to describe them within the next 40 days.

    Hope this helps guys.
     
  2. InnerMan

    InnerMan Fapstronaut

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    Weapon #1: Intention

    Intention is King. The Alpha and Omega. It's the foundation to succeeding in nofap. It's the most powerful weapon, which is why it comes first. If you apply the 80/20 rule to nofap, intention is the 20% of effort that yields 80% of the results. I'm willing to go so far as to say that if your intention is truly powerful, it's practically 100% of the results. If done right, it dramatically reduces your fragile reliance on the million and one other approaches you might take, helpful as they may be. You can stop torturing yourself with those cold showers :) I'm just kidding, cold showers are good for you - but you won't NEED to take them per say.

    Sure, cold showers, porn blockers, reduced social media time, dietary choices, exercise, all help greatly on this path. Keep them up. But ultimately, they are not bulletproof, reliable approaches. Why? Because when you've had a long day, and you're stressed, tired, bored, upset and frustrated, and an urge starts rearing its ugly head, there's a good chance you won't be in the mood for a cold shower or dropping 30 push ups or whatever. More than likely, you'll cave. This is where a powerful intention can protect you. And if you cave anyway, it means your intention wasn't powerful enough. All good, next time you'll just have to make it stronger.

    Now, you might say, 'yeah but many times after a relapse, I've said NEVER AGAIN, and I meant it in the moment, but it doesn't work.' Been there done that, literally thousands of times. The issue there is that you're making a strong intention but you didn't do enough to keep feeding it. It's like you spun a top and once you saw it spinning you walked away assuming it would keep spinning. That's where you messed up. Don't walk away from your intention. You have to keep flicking that top so it continues to spin. I admit, playing with a top may not be the most sensitive analogy for wankers but let's keep this somewhat light :)

    An important aspect of intention is to be specific. Unless you're a seasoned pro who has managed to keep your hands off the wand for a very long time, it's not enough to say 'It's a lifestyle, I don't need to be specific.' Wrong, you have to have something tangible to work towards. A mountain climber doesn't start his ascent with the notion that he will climb indefinitely. He has a specific summit in view, literally. And if you reach that summit, enjoy the view and then tackle a higher summit. It's a great way to measure your commitment and progress.

    So what's the method to actually doing what I'm proposing? Make no mistake, it is a form of effort. It is WORK. Essentially, it requires that you dedicate a modest amount of time to it everyday. There's no hard and fast rule about how long you need to do this for and how many times a day, I think it depends on many factors such as the strength of your mind, the intensity of your emotions, your lifestyle, etc. But a good rule of thumb is to do it at least 3 times a day, 5 to 15 minutes each time, for a month. Once you get a good streak going and you get the hang of formulating a strong intention, you can modify the frequency and duration as you see fit.

    More to the specifics of forming that powerful intention in a conscious and deliberate way, I highly advise that you put your devices away, get away from other people, and give yourself the treat of those 5 to 15 minutes of alone time where you simply focus on the intention. I've done this in a meditative posture by sitting motionless with my eyes closed, and also when walking (especially in nature but doesn't have to be). Both approaches work well. Then, state the intention to yourself, either verbally or just in your mind. Initially, it may feel contrived, like lifeless words. This is the feedback that will tell you that your intention needs more from you.

    The question arises, 'how do I feed it so that the intention starts to FEEL real?' Many approaches to this, but one of the primary ways is through memory and imagination. With regards to memory, remember your suffering when you PMO. Remember that abysmal feeling after having wasted yet more of your manhood. The sense of despair and feelings of entrapment, like you're stuck in some kind of psychological hell vortex of compulsive, juvenile behavior. And remember how this affects your energy and mood thereafter - The fact that you can't fully commit to things; that because you jerked off, you literally lack the ability to go balls to the wall. On the flip side, use your knowledge and imagination to evoke the benefits of self-restraint. Imagine the type of man you will become when you're a total BOSS who can say no to porn, no to masturbation, and no to whatever form of sexual deviance you're old self was given to. Get into it. Feel the upright posture of that badass, his confident gait, his self-assurance. Or, if that doesn't suit you, just imagine living without the burden of your addiction. In this regards, it really helps to get inspiration from others who were in the same boat as you but managed to get free.

    The point of the above described exercise is to make the intention more real. You might ask, why would I need up to 15 minutes? Well because even if you have a clear goal in mind, the words are not enough. You need to feel them at an emotional level. The intention is where thoughts meet feelings. As you think, so you shall feel, as you feel, so shall you desire, as you desire, so you shall will. As you will, so you shall act. As you act, so shall you become.

    So this my friends is your first and most powerful weapon. Know that the weapon is already within. You just have to access it, and then learn to wield it.
     
  3. PrioritySystem

    PrioritySystem Fapstronaut

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    Looking forward to reading the other three weapons. Keep it up.
     
    InnerMan likes this.
  4. PrioritySystem

    PrioritySystem Fapstronaut

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    My NoFap strategy is as follows: (The Big Five):

    -resolve, determination, belief that it’s possible to live without, being willing to do whatever it takes.

    -measures to reduce my opportunities to watch material: internet restrictions on phone, not owning a laptop, let others set passwords on their devices, etc. For me absolutely vital part.

    -talk about NoFap goals with others. Friends, family, AP’s. Tell them how extremely important it is. This strengthens my own resolve too.

    -if you find an opportunity with a lady, go for it: that will rewire the brain to a real person instead of artificial stuff on screen. But don’t chase women or look for it in online dating apps. But when it coincidentally occurs take your chance. Try not to ejaculate too soon and often, learn how to control it (but that’s another story)

    -Have enough life goals in terms on fitness, health, financial, study/career, so there’s healthy dopamine sources and the energy can be invested. Stay fit and healthy, enjoy work and have some financial plans to work to.

    Five points. These are my five magic rules. At day 73 now with the Big Five. Let’s see how I will get with this. Hopefully never fap again but let’s take it one day at a time.
     
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  5. InnerMan

    InnerMan Fapstronaut

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    Day 73 is excellent champ! Keep it going. Your strategies are good as well.

    So this relates somewhat to my next weapon, which is awareness/attention. I'll be posting my detailed thoughts on that tomorrow.
     
  6. learningisanart2020

    learningisanart2020 Fapstronaut

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    Well written brother, eagerly waiting to see other 3 weapons
     
  7. InnerMan

    InnerMan Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, to anyone reading these posts, thanks for your patience! I know it's slow going but we'll get there!

    On a personal note, today I've made it to 90 days of hard mode, which is huge for me because its a first. Considering I'm doing hard mode and still very sexually active, I'm proud and I think I've grown about 90 chest hairs:emoji_fist: That said, I have my eyes set on achieving my original goal of 120 days, and will then create new goals and keep trekking forward, God willing. Hopefully today's milestone adds some clout to the words you're about to read. So let's get into it.

    Weapon #2: Awareness:

    "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." Carl Jung

    Here's the typical scenario us PMO addicts find ourselves in: exposure to some trigger fuels an urge, which leads to porn consumption, resulting in masturbation. We feel terrible, might back off for a bit, but then the pattern repeats, again, and again, and again. I know this is oversimplified and there are many variations to this experience, but the basic pattern holds true in most cases. Like Jung said in the quote above, we are being governed by processes that we are not even conscious of, and therefore it seems like fate because after so many relapses, we feel powerless.

    No doubt, PMO addiction is complex and has multiple causes. But if we had to pinpoint one root cause, what might it be? In my view, it's a lack of awareness. Unconsciousness. Heedlessness. Autopilot. Zombie mode. Willful ignorance. Mental stupor. Call it what you want but at the end of the day, the root cause is that one is not paying attention to several important things that are simply going under the radar. So the weapon I'd like to introduce today is the opposite of that root issue, and that is awareness. The saving grace is that awareness can actually be developed, and once developed sufficiently, it plays such a huge role in preventing relapses.

    I realize that awareness is a big term with many connotations and can seem too vague. When I say awareness, I'm not talking about scientific awareness of how the brain works with its cascade of chemical processes, dopamine, bla, bla, bla. I'm not talking about awareness of the terrible aspects of the porn/escort industries. That's fine and I do encourage that kind of awareness as well because its important to know, but in and of itself it's too theoretical. More to my meaning, a simple web definition of awareness does the job: "knowledge or perception of a situation or fact." The situation/fact is that you have a compulsive PMO problem and can't seem to break free of it. The knowledge and perception of the underlying causes for this situation/fact results in freedom from it.

    Now, the obvious question is 'knowledge and perception' specifically of what?! There are 4 things you need to start paying closer attention to:

    1) Become aware of your triggers: One major distinction I like to make are remote triggers and immediate triggers. Remote triggers might be a stressful event at work that happened in the morning but seems to have a lingering effect and makes one more susceptible to PMO'ing later that day or even later that week. It's not immediate, but it's nevertheless correlated to the relapse. This is actually an example of awareness of "state", which I get into in the next paragraph. Another example might be seeing a hot chick at a grocery store where, exceptions notwithstanding, you won't jerk off at the store but later that evening when you're in the shower or whatever, badda bing badda bang. On the other hand, Immediate triggers might be something like you just had a plate of shrimp (it's an aphrodisiac food fyi), you're now horny, and you just saw a Youtube video of someone showing a little too much skin, and before you know it you're back in the PMO vortex. Everyone's different so we all have our unique triggers, but the point is to become aware of what they are. If you can master this one skill, it will go a long way. One simple way of doing this is to literally start cataloging them. Perhaps come up with a list of your top 5 common triggers. The awareness of your trigger then becomes the ever so crucial step of avoiding them or at least minimizing them.

    2) Become aware of your state: Ever notice that no behaviour ever occurs apart from being in a specific state or set of states? It's impossible to act in a vacuum. In my experience, here are the most common states that accompany a PMO incident: boredom, restlessness, stress, agitation, horniness, anxiety, depression, excitement, despair, embarrassment, inadequacy etc. I'm sure you can insert your own. Generally speaking, the state is usually negative. So the task is to start becoming aware of what state you're in when you're getting an urge. What does it feel like in your body? What are the thoughts and emotions that accompany that state? The more you do this, the more you start to become attuned to catch the state in its early phases. It's like you learn how to forecast bad weather so you can prepare better. And listen, maybe you can't stop the state from arising, but that's fine, because whatever arises also passes. It's just bad weather, and if you wait long enough the bad weather will pass eventually. But while it's here, your job is to recognize it very clearly because that will alert you to 'okay, I better be on guard. I know what can happen when I feel this way so I better pay attention.'

    3) Become aware of your intention: I'll keep this short because I wrote about it at length (first weapon). Suffice it to say, you need to check in with your intention periodically, especially when you sense that your commitment to abstaining from PMO is starting to fade. Notice, is your intention strong or is it weak? Clear or vague? When you're aware that it's weak and vague, you can do the things I mentioned in my post about the first weapon to strengthen it.

    4) Become aware of your urges: I'll keep this short as well because my next weapon is going to talk about this way more. In a nutshell, pay attention to your urges and just as importantly, how you relate to your urges. Not to get ahead of myself, I'll just say that this involves noticing that an urge is just a flowing pattern of energy and sensation, and once you have that realization, the wave of energy becomes your friend, not your enemy.

    To wrap up this post, I want to point out that the way in which you actually pay attention is also very important. In other words, awareness happens with a certain tone and attitude. The basic principle is that your awareness should be very open, gentle, non-reactive, and non-judgmental. It requires you to notice things clearly with an almost playful and curious attitude. Be kind to yourself, you're suffering. You don't need all the baggage of mental commentary of self-loathing and harsh judgment when you become aware. Rather, notice things in a non-reactive and light manner. For God's sake, what you don't want to do is "ah you fu&^&ng idiot there's that same goddam fuc*(^g problem again." lol That's not useful, it'll only cause a relapse. When you can hold an observation within a much more friendly and inquisitive space, the observation will actually be more astute and helpful.

    Okay guys, thanks for reading!
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2021

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