The girl is not your savior

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by MercenaryKing, Jan 17, 2016.

  1. MercenaryKing

    MercenaryKing Fapstronaut

    I'm a romantic at heart. It's not just cultural influences, I honestly think it must be part of my brain's structure. Deep down to my bones there's this powerful, transcendent force, the kind that spurs great tragic novels. But there was a moment of realisation for me that I think everyone feeling lonely (especially deeply emotional or introspective guys) need to have. It's not about love being an illusion, there's no bitterness like that to be had here. It's about your fantasies and your self-image.

    Consider a typical romantic film plot. Whether the film takes the perspective of the man or the woman, the boy or the girl, they are often shown as insecure, incomplete in some way. The love interest is almost sparkling in their allure, the physical embodiment of the green grass on the other side of the fence made accessible to appeal to latent escapism in the viewer's psyche. A unique and impossible guy/girl. A savior. Someone who despite being so incredible, loves the protagonist and acts as almost a lifebuoy: they make everything okay.

    Romantic love makes a lot of things wonderful. It's a beautiful thing. But have you ever found yourself fantasising about a perfect girl, mysterious in her allure, a person that will make everything alright? This is a central myth in our culture: salvation through true love. Please don't misconstrue where I'm going with this: "but MK, you're just saying relationships are pointless and will never make you happy!" I promise, I'm not. Relationships can be an integral portion of a fulfilling life for many people. What I'm saying is don't fantasise about being rescued from your problems by some girl. Flip the script: would you want to date a girl that viewed you as her personal lifeboat in her less-than-happy life? Admittedly a reflex response may be "yeah!", brought on by egoistic visions of being worshipped. But I'm telling you: you want a relationship with someone who's your equal, not more or less. As Clementine says in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: "too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a f'ed-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

    Here's the thing: other people enrich your life. But only you can fix it. Other people can compliment you. But it won't mean a thing until you change your thoughts and develop your self-esteem. Love is wonderful, fantastic, ecstatic. But the specific Jesus-girl you're imagining is made-up, and you're offloading all responsibility for changing yourself or finding well-being onto her. You think you're going to find that one girl and she's going to fix everything. But put yourself in her shoes. Is that something you'd want to do? Cater to someone's poor self-image? Be their rescuer? That is anything but a healthy relationship.

    You don't have to be perfect to be in love. That's impossible. But how much better would it be to be a reasonable guy, happy and comfortable with yourself and your life, healthy and motivated when you meet this girl? Wouldn't that be so much better?

    I know the discomfort this idea can cause. At one time I was feeling incredibly lonely, depressed and misunderstood. My light in the darkness was this imaginary girl called Alice. We'd meet on the balcony of a party, the moon a great wax sculpture in a crystal sky and she'd understand all my awful, awful depressing parts and she'd whisk me away to somewhere more whole and pure. She'd make everything okay.

    I guess I realised that I was lying to myself. I was never going to meet a girl in the state I was in. And I couldn't expect someone else to shoulder the entire burden of my happiness and fulfillment. I can tell you, you never find a girl when you're desperately hoping for one. Love finds you when you're busy living your life.

    I guess I stopped Alice, took the torch off her and said "screw this. I'm my own light in the darkness."

    There's no doubt in my mind that every single one of you reading this is capable of creating a fulfilled, happy life, free of insecurity, loneliness and porn. And you don't need anyone else to save you. You're the warrior, rescuing yourself, improving, creating the life you want. And when you get there? Your relationships are going to be better than your distorted, "perfect" fantasies. Because sure there are flaws and bad times. Sure there are no savior-princesses in white armor, and no girl is perfect anyway. But it will be real. And those are the best relationships of all.

    You can make it.
  2. Barej

    Barej Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the thoughtful post. It's true no one person can save you from your own insecurities and delusions. It's easy to THINK that but very difficult to LIVE that. I am 33 and I am the only single person left among all my friends. Whenever I go to a party or a gathering, I'm the only single guy. Whenever there's a new years, all my friends are kissing their partners except me. Everywhere I go, I feel like society is reminding me how much I lack because I am single. I feel a lot of despair and I wish I knew how to stop being desperate. I know that desperation is the biggest turn off for anyone, but I don't know how to turn it off.... I've tried everything....therapy, meditation, excercise, self-help books, philosophy, and everything else you might imagine..... That's why I am so enthusiastic about NoFaP... It's one of the few things I have not tried....
    XPiRED and MercenaryKing like this.
  3. MercenaryKing

    MercenaryKing Fapstronaut

    @Barej NoFap will certainly help you my friend. If I could give you any tips to calm any sense of being desperate, I'd say:
    - start taking to girls. At the supermarket. On the street. At parties. Get on tinder. There's a lot of good content on the internet for helping you perfect this art, but it will help you raise that rather than a scarcity of women there's an abundance. This sounds scary but it's one of the best things you can do.
    - meditate. This helps you separate yourself from those negative or desperate thoughts and gives you greater clarity and perspective.
    - cognitive behavioral changes! This is important. Your reality is entirely defined by patterns of perception, thought and behavior. You have to start noticing when your mind starts going "there's no-one for me, I'm not good enough for a girl, I'm in a barren desert, I'm so bad" anything like that, you need to correct it. Because it's not reflective of reality. In fact, those negative patterns are the only things perpetuating scarcity!
    Plus a little added testosterone from NoFap can't hurt either!
    Good luck my friend, I know you can do it.
  4. manfredswang

    manfredswang Fapstronaut

    Have been thinking this too lately. Very well worded
    MercenaryKing likes this.
  5. Francesco

    Francesco Fapstronaut

    Being obsessed with a personal quest for love is nothing but detrimental. You search for your love in every woman, acting in a way that will eventually get you hurt. The more you feel hurt, the more you become obsessed. It's a vicious cycle.
    DannyCool likes this.
  6. DannyCool

    DannyCool Fapstronaut

    I just started a thread about the exact same thing! Wow! This is what I said: 'It is much easier to love than look to be loved. You never know what is going to happen next so why go looking for love and reinforce that attitude with fapping?'
    MercenaryKing likes this.
  7. powerd992

    powerd992 Fapstronaut

    Totally agree, may I suggest some videos?

    I usually don't talk about this, but the place seems adequate for those who feel "lonely".
  8. great thread.
    I agree 100%.
    Women never solves your problems, in fact they increase them for you.
    Marriage is something which is forced upon people by their society.

    Society play important role in brainwashing people.
    MercenaryKing and Pancho like this.
  9. melancholy king

    melancholy king Fapstronaut

    I have thought this a lot lately, the problem with me is that I'm a feather that floats in whatever direction life takes me. I used to think all the time about an angel in living form that would save me from all my perils, however that doesn't really exist, and so I pretty much realized that I had to take responsibility for my life from this point on or else I would never achieve what I wanted. This is kinda silly but sometimes I think "I am the alpha, the omega, I am the one will decide my fate" and it makes me feel better for some reason. Think of your life as something you (for the most part) have control of, that I think really makes the difference long term.
    MercenaryKing likes this.
  10. thomasnl

    thomasnl Fapstronaut

    Contrary to P, or M or O, or even edging, F(antasy) is much harder to tackle, partly because it does not involve an action, it just involves the brain.
    I agree that one of the most important keys in getting PMO free as well as getting F free is gratitude; be grateful for all you've received, for all you have. This is probably why the 12-step plan (as used in AA/NA/*A) describes a higher power, or in more conventional form, God. We crave perfectness, in ourselves, our partners, our relations. But there is no one perfect but God. Some try to find divinity within themselves, I find that hard to do myself, I wish you the best of luck. With God, one can have a perfect, loving relation, and God would gladly interpose as your Saviour.
    Although God is a Saviour, a relation with Him does not dismiss us from having a good relation with ourselves, or as Jesus states it in Mark 12:29-30:
    ‘The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
    Or stated more bluntly; build a relation with God, and after that with your neighbour. But you cannot love another human more than you love yourself, so you must love yourself in order to love others!
    Pancho likes this.
  11. Hiro 304

    Hiro 304 Fapstronaut

    @MercenaryKing You're the real Übermensch. I'm glad there's people like you in this world to start a discussion about this topic, since the need to find a partner is becoming a epidemic disease on social circles. Everywhere people think they're getting alone and sad for not getting a date. Instead of doing something productive, they rather watch tv shows about love and feel sad while listening to sad music.
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2016
    MercenaryKing likes this.
  12. thomasnl

    thomasnl Fapstronaut

    I am starting to think that romans and romantic series/movies are almost as destructive as P! Just like P it twists our views on healthy relationships, on what we can have and can long for, on how a good and healthy relation looks like. The big difference is that it doesn't surge our brains with such intense dopamine rushes as P does.
  13. Pancho

    Pancho Fapstronaut

    Romance is the icing on a cake. You can have a fine cake without it.
    I've been broken a half dozen times by loving a woman; I probably will again; despite the hurt I'm glad I have it in me.
    That said, there are many ways to find love apart from with a woman.
    You need to love yourself, to love humanity and the world around you despite their faults.
    Keep yourself open and alive to the possibility of love; it exists in many forms.
  14. Lol who hurt you?

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