The Good Farmer Arthur - Journal

This journal is intended for myself, but I want to put it where others can see in order to release internal burden.

I hope one day to be a man with no secrets, who can say each action he did throughout the day with pride, and admit to all his faults. I am not that man yet, but hope to get closer.

My greatest fault is my divorce of sex and intimacy and indulgence in sexual gratification. I fear intimacy. I have been both lazy and selfish in that I only want relief, not the work nature intended to release that energy. I run away from relationships because I fear they’ll control me and bind me into servitude. Not healthy shared responsibility, but selfish burdened guilt and need that tests my capacity to endure. I get this fear from my relationship with my mother.

I have a lot of sexual energy, and I fear that energy. I’ve at times drowned it in porn, and at other times let it convince me to visit women who just wanted money. I was good to them, I said, and giving them good times and supporting them.

I have met dangerous people. People with dark demons. I thought I relieved them of that pain a moment, and that we both relieved that pain together; mine was of loneliness, fear of others, and need for validation. There’s was fear of evil and their own feelings of worthlessness, I think. I cannot know their minds, only my own. To not know whether I caused damage is difficult, and to admit that my seeking relief caused damage that I’m unlikely to repair in either of us is hard.

I do not want to be a bad person. I do not want self hate and flagellation to put me on a path of desperation for relief either, as that is what lead me to where I am. Neither do I want to ignore the realities of the world.

I want to be a good, honest man. A man who hopes for but doesn’t demand good weather and plants his seeds responsibly with kindness and love. An honest man who preserves the innocent and works and gives to those he wants to, because he cares for them, and they care for him.

 

Day 1

I am unsure as to whether or not I should focus on counting days/reaching a number. I lean towards no, as I believe that type of perspective is harmful, at least for me. So going further I will try to treat the days as simple entries/not fixate on that aspect, but still record it for accountability.

I’m also a little unsure as to whether here is really the best forum for a journal, but I saw another thread with one, so I’ll continue.

Today was pretty mild. I was mostly preoccupied with work and dealing with old emotional baggage; was easy to be clean.

The hard part is maintenance. I will permit myself to miss entries on occasion, and I will try to make the effort to engage.

 

Day 2

My urges are kicking into gear. They flare up when I’m stressed, and I’m currently stressed due to work and the election uncertainty.

I came here to write this instead. Listened to some music and now feel more relaxed. Those temporary releases will pale in comparison to my growing contentment and sense of accomplishment.