The hardest part of recovery: I hate myself

Be unable to do nothing? 32 days makes me respect you more than you can imagine. Do you know how much pain and discipline it is to go through one month. I didn't manage. Don't torture yourself by trying to find different way, that are harder and faster. You went through enough crap already, I believe. I sympathize with you. Oh, and you will find something that works for you. You already managed through 32 days and you seem to have a good approach at frightening the challenges that come your way, soldier. Look at all the stuff you've mentioned, all the work you underwent to improve yourself. You sound like a guy who's got a stingy fighting spirit. If you can do the grooming and fitness properly, you're already very good at keeping up with your well-being. I envy that a bit. If I need to sound crass, if you continue the way you started, your "PIED attention-whoring" organ will have to find a better way to catch your interest. Eventually, he'll get tired faster than you and surprise you with an iron feeling down there, probably while you're in a bus, so it can make you uncomfortable again. Being a Fapstronaut, you will notice that your most vengeful enemy is your penis. That nasty guy wants total control of your brain.

Don't let it. You've got enough stuff going for you to be confident. Stay here. Stay strong. I'm cheering for you, soldier!

 

And do not hate yourself. I will not stop bullying you until you stop hating yourself.

 

Hey man, it'll take a long time but I suspect it's nowhere near as long as you think. Slowly and slowly this addiction took over your mind, and just as slowly it will slowly release its grips on you. And like Hercules said, 33 days is amazing bro, I've yet to make it that far so I have no way of thinking I can ever give you advice, but I can share my life experiences and hope they help.

I used to want to get laid a lot when I was in my first year of college as well. I got laid once in the first week, and that was it for the entire semester. There were MANY times I could have gotten laid throughout the year but somehow I'd fuck up all of them. I remember looking back and counting the number of girls I could have slept with if I took the time and actually pursued them, it was 8-9 easy. I think I wasn't worthy, or at least I saw myself as not worthy. Somehow deep down I knew that if I had all this sex now, I'd be disappointed and it wouldn't mean as much as if I achieved all my goals and had sex after that.

But now, I've been a bit further through the wringer, slept with a few more girls, had one serious relationship and spent thousands of dollars on escorts and I finally realize that sex means nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's honestly such a small part of your life when you truly examine it. It only feels like it has a stranglehold on you because you let it. What I'm writing may not make sense now but it will eventually. Take it from me, a dude that wanted to have sex so much he was willing to pay for it, sex is NOTHING.

 

Let me tell you something, and feel free to call me corny, feel free to believe it or not (I know I for one have trouble believing it myself): you are loved. In fact, I love you, and I love the fact that you managed to post this. Not everyone has the guts to speak their minds for everyone to hear (or in this case, to see haha).

Let me also tell you that you are not alone. Not even close. If you want to know the truth, I’ve hated myself for pretty much all of high school. I took pride in hating myself because I believed that loving myself would make me oblivious to all my flaws. I saw everyone around me as having more, whether that be looks, confidence, better social skills, a better sense of humor where their jokes ACTUALLY land, etc. Even still, I have my moments where I’m like “why do even...? Why do I try to be social? Why do I try to talk to girls? Why do I try to change my hair style, the clothes I wear, when deep down I know I’ll be on the level as the rest of the world?”
But do you want to know what I’ve learned, what I’m still continuing to learn? Love is not deserved. It’s a choice.
Yes, I am socially awkward. Yes, I’m still a virgin. Yes, I’ve endured years of porn addiction. Yes, I’ve made many mistakes and at times it feels like I may never rise above my mistakes. But at the end of the day, love is a decision that you make for yourself, as is hate. You decide what you focus on. You choose to hate yourself because of everything you lack. I choose to love you because you wrote a brave post, you’ve made yourself vulnerable; your post is going to help and connect with a lot of people.
Don’t get me wrong, this is no easy, obvious thing to fix. Believe me, I know. But remember that your self-hatred is a shared phenomenon; to an extent, we all hate ourselves just a little and we all have certain characteristics we wish we could change. We can try to change them ourselves, but we can also decide to look past these characteristics and love ourselves regardless, which, in my opinion, is the more powerful option.
I hope all of this helps, and hey, if you ever need a buddy to talk to, I’m here. You have a lot of friends here who can help you.

 

@Joey26 I totally believe that you went through all this and that your reality feels that way.
The problem I'm having is that I don't know where to start because most of the things people would name as my qualities or virtues are things I dislike and don't want in my life. They just make it all the more complicated sometimes. I don't tend to hate myself as much as I tend to hate everyone.

Man, what a weird message.

 

It's good you've found some exit from this situation, or at least a road map of sorts. No, it's not a bad thing. You did what you did since it was the best you could do in those given moments. But it's impressive you see it as a reinforcement and motivation. I am not there yet since I am stuck in a rut.