The hardest part of recovery so far

The hardest part of recovery so far is facing the thoughts and urges that arise.

The negative thoughts: I'm not going to live up to my expectations. Everyone will laugh at me and judge me. I will end up with a shitty career. I am scared, I don't feel like I am worthy of having a good life. No one likes me. No one would like me if I was authentic and spoke with sincerity. They would disapprove of my views and opinions. I will never have the relationship life I want. I am all alone and will always be alone. Everyone else in the world gets it, but I don't.

Urges: Use it. Use pornography. Go online and just look up some stuff.

I just really need to vent and share this. I'm sure other people will be able to relate. This is so fucking difficult, I feel like these negative thoughts eat me alive. I think I used PMO to escape from them. One thing I've found to be helpful is every time a negative thought like this comes into my mind, I take a deep breath and focus on the present moment. Then I remember what I'm doing. Oh, I'm at work making sure people stay safe (I'm a medical professional). I'm having a conversation. Or, I'm sitting. Whatever it is, I focus on the moment. It's hard but it helps.