The horrors of codependent relationships

So not too long ago I just started seeing a counselor. If you never read my past threads, I come from a family full of verbal and emotional abuse (non physical). The stress of that, combined with the stress of my porn addiction lead me to convincing my verbally abusive dad to let me go to counseling.

HE called her (my counselor) and made the appointment for me, as he does with all my other medical appointments (weird I know, I'm 18). He gave me a long talk about things i shouldnt say to her and guilt tripped me along the way.

At my first appointment she asked if I was abused or neglected in any way, I lied. She asked if I had suicidal thoughts, I also lied. She asked if things were okay between me and my family (huge lie!).

My dad always told me since I was young to always say no if doctors or people in authority asked if I had suicidal thoughts, because he worried that the government would "take me and my brother away". And also to lie about my education (I'm homeschool, he's supposed to be teaching me, but he's not, so he's breaking the law). I told him "you'd rather me kill myself and be a liar?" He'd always say "do you want me to go to jail?" Which is a huge guilt trip for me, because everyone I live with is stuck in a codependent relationship with him and if he goes to jail we'll all be messed up.

Hes cunning, I realized that as the years passed. We all live together, dad, step mom, brother, uncle, and grandma. The house originally belonged to grandpa but he owns it now since he died. He sold his car so he now uses my grandma's car, he acts like he owns it. He told her "this house belongs to me now, if you wanted to keep living here then you'll have to let me use your car". It sucks, when grandma wanted to bring me shopping she'd ask him first even though it's her car.

Even though I'm 18 I can't drive yet, no one taught me. Also my step mom doesn't drive, he never let her learn, and she's a immigrant from the Philippines so she has no help. So both of us are dependant on him to take us places, sometimes he doesn't let her even see her friends. Step mom is dysfunctional, but her and I never really had a legitimate problem with each other before. She let's my dad treat her like a maid. He only had sex with her a couple times since they married, after the birth of my little half bro he refuses to even sleep in the same bed as her, she's young, she's in her 20's, he's in his 50's.

I yelled at him last week because he paid my medical bill concerning my echocardiogram for my heart. Hes been paying my bills without my knowledge. Also his bank account is linked to mine, so he keeps checking my shit.

This whole relationship with him is whack. He makes my Dr.appointments, drives me there, pays my bills (I only wrote a check once in life), does my shopping for me, etc. Yet at the same time I'm living on edge with his constant shouting, door slamming, gaslighting, and verbal abuse towards my grandma and uncle.

Also, this is gonna sound weird, but he let's me do what ever I want, while somehow managing to control everything I do. He let's me get piercings, buy expensive crap, he even picked up my birthday cake for me. I cant function without him, even though I want to. It's scary.

Ever since I was young he would take control of what I ate, while letting me do whatever else I wanted. I was allowed to spend the night at my friends house, stay out late, and walk around town without his permission. Yet I wasn't allowed to drink milk, or eat candy. He's very paranoid about my health, which is ironic because 98% of my health problems are due to the stress he caused me.

It seemed he hated me drinking milk because my grandma would give it to me, I loved milk. She also snuck me candy and snacks, it was the forbidden fruit to me. He acts like he hates her and everything she does, yet claims he doesn't.

One time I got very sick after my biological mom died in a car wreck. I was 7 years old, which is also around the time I started watching porn. He blamed my illness on my grandma. He said it's because she keeps buying junk food. So he grabbed all the snacks and food she bought that was in the kitchen and started smashing them and throwing them everywhere, it was the first and scariest rage I ever saw him do. I started being paranoid since then, I always ate junkfood only at my friends house, because he contacted my school and told them i was forbidden to eat snacks or candy.

Ever since turning 18 I started to eat what I wanted, when I wanted . It felt like a victory to binge eat fast food and junk food everyday. But now that I'm developing legitimate health problems, my dad offers to buy me fast food even though he knows I need to change my diet. LIKE BITCH WHAT THE FUCK.

Ever since I was young i had dreams of me running away, running in the forest, just getting the fuck out of my house. Even though I'm 18 I can't function on my own, all because this shitty codependent relationship I'm stuck in!

 

I feel like he's taking advantage of my depression and anxiety. Instead of ever teaching me how to be an adult and how to do things on my own, he'd take matters into his own hands and do them for me. I have a hard time coping with severe anxiety and depression, almost to the point where I'm disabled. I think he feels like he's a good person by "helping" me, when in reality he's causing a lot of my problems and actually harming me in the long run.

Its so weird. He tells us he loved us every night before bed, I can never bring myself to say it back. I literally gag trying to say it.

I hope sometimes he would just pass away, let God handle his soul, but if he dies our whole family will be destroyed.

 

I know this is easier said than believed, but that is a flat out lie! It sounds to me like your father is a very abusive and manipulative person, and you absolutely can and should live without people like that in your life. If you told your counselor the truth and he ended up in jail for his crimes, that is not your fault. It's his fault for committing those crimes in the first place. And you would be fine without him. Personally, I think you would be better off without him, even.

This is another lie. You absolutely can make it on your own. People your age, or younger even, do it all the time. You really need to work on forcing yourself to stop believing these lies. They're not true. This idea that you can't make it on your own without your father is not true.

Start small. Go do something you never thought you could do on your own. Next time you want to call your dad and ask for help, stop and try to figure it out on your own first, to show yourself what you are capable of.

I honestly believe you would be so much better off and happier and healthier away from your father. It sounds like you somewhat recognize that he is a toxic person to have in your life, so you need to get away from that as soon as you reasonably can. You will be fine on your own. You are capable of that. It might be hard, but not harder than living with someone so abusive.