The importance of coming out of loneliness - Very Personal story

This might be my most personal post up until now. I wanted to write this somewhere, and I couldnt think of a better place. It's not entirely about PMO, it's just what I thought about my life after looking back at it up untill now.

Its been 10 days since my last relapse.

I study in a college which conducts the biggest arts fest and tech fest in the state. Our arts fest is the biggest in the state and almost all engineering students of the state attend it once in their engineering years (it's really popular). Getting in to this college requires a lot of effort. Two years ( sometimes people do it for 5) of continuous study to get admitted. It's a solo job.You sit with your books and study hard. I got carried away with studies so much, I absolutely didn't give time to my friends in school. My final two years in school gave me very few memories to cherish. I was good at studying alone and I developed I feeling that I didn't need a lot of Friends and people to help me succeed. ( I was sooo wrong).

After this hectic study period, I had ZERO contact with majority of my batchmates. Most of them had changed. I had barely spoken to any of them, even with people who I regularly talked with up until 10th grade, I might have talked to them maybe thrice in the following two years. I had a 2-3 good friends even then but everyone else had changed in these years and I didn't know. I had a feeling I was wasting time sitting in class, when I could sit at home and prepare alone for my entrance exam for college.

It was during these 2 years my porn addiction grew to new levels. Towards the end, the stress for the exam was building, I had bad thoughts. I had given up friendships, school tours, football( I was really into soccer till 10th), and much more just for the sake of this exam and I couldnt control my thoughts. I consumed a lot of PMO(increasingly). The exam I failed miserably, my aim was to get into the tier 1 college of India - IIT but I messed it up. I got admission in this NIT, a top college but not the one I was aiming for.

I was really disappointed , because now I had lost everything I had tried for. I felt the college I got was like a consolation prize. I joined anyway. This college was around 200 km away from my home.

But now when I look back, if I had gone to any other college I wouldn't have been able to repair( not completely in any way) all the mistakes I made. A lot of the people I ignored and didn't keep in contact have come and gone for the techfests and art fest here. They came here contacted me,( not because I was good friend to them or because of any of my qualities .....) and I spent time with them in the campus.
That's when I realised that almost all of them were not the people I thought they were and the people I thought I knew, all of them had changed (in a good way) and were also really friendly. These were people I had ignored in school completely to pursue entrance studies.

I was very happy during the time I spent with them. I strongly regretted not spending time with them when I could during my school years. I don't have a single photo with any of them who came here, I was too shy and reluctant to ask them for a selfie or photo together because I still felt guilty about not interacting with them or being a good friend to them earlier when I had the chance.

These past three days were my second arts fest since I joined( 4th fest, 2nd arts fest). As usual , a few of my old batchmates came. I was part of the organising committee. I met a lot of new people, really friendly people this weekend as part of the committee, a lot of them final years who would leave by next month. All the people I met were friendly.

I also met a friend who I believe I was close to up until 10th( I am not sure if I was close to her now because I ignored her for the succeeding two years-entrance exam----- I don't know who I was close to and who I was not close to☹️).
I had a crush on her twin sister(I still think of her occasionally, I thought I would forget her if I completely ignored her for two years without talking and all--- I was dead wrong ). I have never seen my crush since school.

She had come for the arts fest. I talked to her and I really regretted not communicating more with her. It was nice talking to her. She had changed over the years, in a good way(stupid me- didn't know). I really enjoyed talking with her, even if it was just 2-3 times each for about 5 minutes. She had come for an event and left soon after the event.

I am not that good at talking with girls,but I felt free and at ease talking with a lot of my old friends from school(girls) and a others whom I met as part of the fest.
I am an introvert a lot of the time, but I had a good time and made lot of friends during these days, and managed to get in contact with my old friends.

I know now I should stop thinking I can do everything on my own, I want to keep in contact and enjoy my time with the people around me.I messed up in school , I hope I learn from that and try to keep in contact with people.

Keeping oneself around friendly and caring people, and keeping in contact help to keep thoughts about PMO away. I want to keep my mind clean and open. I know that will help my in my relationships with people and be a better person.

Thank you for reading. This is something I have thought of for a while now . Even while typing this out, my mind was flooded with memories and good moments in my life and eyes wet with a lot of regrets

 

1 year update:

Personal Post #2 - Personal Diary

This weekend was the arts fest in my college. I had previously written a post on how it was one of the better days of my life last year.

This year again the girl I mentioned in the last year post visited. We have our competitions overnight. So I got to talk with her for 20 mins after her programme at around 4:30 am. (The sleepless nights are the best part of the fest).

The major difference this year was I was completly clean from PMO for about 2 weeks before. My thoughts weren't corrupt. I could actually feel the difference in the conversation we had.
Since last year we had talked(chatted) a bit more over messaging.
A real difference I felt was that this team I felt a bit more comfortable and at ease. It actually felt like a conversation rather than just a meet n greet.

( I really hope I am not overthinking all this stuff) I guess I have very few moments like these where I genuinely wish I could have more time. A
lot of the time I find it hard to adjust with certain people. I just won't be able to hold up an interesting conversation making me a person not worth hanging out with.

I just have a single arts fest left to go in my college life(next year) and that would be the last time I see her.
Also just before we parted, she mentioned that I should come over to their college ( very near to the school we studied in) sometimes. I cooked up a quick excuse in reply.
The irony is that her friend circle from circle are people I know and at some point in my 12 years of schools I had been friends with them(8th-10th grade) but the last two years of school life I was distant from everyone.
All of them changed and friendships changed and all that while I was fixated on my studies--entire days in front of my books, avoiding any social activity or meetup by giving lame excuses.

Even now I seem to be falling back into this sad hole. I spent too much time on my laptop. When I take up projects I spent all my time coding and testing. I avoid functions and meetups quoting myself too busy. I spent too much of my time in my hostel room, reading and looking up software related stuff. I keep telling myself I want to change and be more social but I am finding it harder day by day to break free from this isolation.
This isolation tends to lead to depression resulting in relapses and bad thoughts.

This sounds cliche but I look around and see people but all of them have people just like them, who they are comfortable with but I always seem to be alone - I begin thinking that there is no one with the same interests like me and that's why I end up alone.

I have a lot to change in my life but I can't seem to conjure up the will power to bring about the change. I have made it a point to try my level best to complete my prayers in the morning and evening everyday. God is the only person I believe that can really bring about positive change in my really akward life.

 

Personal post #3 - Closure

I visited my old school on Friday( I am writing this on Monday). It's been exactly 2 years since I last went there. It was the annual day in the School. I didn't inquire with any of my friends if they were going, I just decided to go and see my teachers.
It was a wonderful evening, I was a bit worried that some of them might not even recognize me but they all did. I couldn't see a few of them because they were really busy but the teachers I met, I got to speak with for a while. The most significant part was that I got to sit down and talk with my 12th standard class teacher. I was really caught up with studies in 11th and 12th, I never really paid attention to people. I never conversed with my teachers or peers that much. I hadn't called or spoken to her since passing out, so this was a welcome opportunity.
Since this was the first time after passing out all the talks with teachers were really friendly. Even talking with my P.T teacher ( I used to kinda hate him buts respected his dedication to sports) was friendly. The conversations felt almost like catching up with friends. My maths sir even offered to drop me home.

I also felt that I had avoided my class teacher in 12th the most. She was always friendly and approachable but I never spoke with her much. Before the year ended she even mentioned our class was the class that had talked to her(non study talks) the least. Now after getting to talk with her now I felt a sense of closure. My 11th and 12th class teachers are the two class teachers I had that I really didn't connect with as much as I hoped in school (bcoz of studies- It's ironic how studies affect your relationship with your teacher). It's really sad because most of the time I knew the topic they were teaching much earlier and I couldn't stop thinking how I was wasting time in their class.
I spoke to my 11th teacher once after passing out and again this day.

All through 11th and 12th I just wanted these school classes to end as soon as possible. Now once I joined colleges and saw how distant teachers can be from their students (in terms of relationship), I understand how much my school teachers actually cared for us students.


Also I had started wearing braces on my teeth just before starting my 12th grade. I finally removed it on Saturday, the very next day. I couldn't stop thinking of how it finally felt like a full circle.
Ever since joining college after that over-study period, I have been trying to get back in contact with my old peers who I avoided. It has taken a long time but I feel there is progress. Now I feel I got a sense of closure( not perfect but much much more than I could have hoped for a year ago) with my teachers too especially my class teacher.