THE INTERSTELLAR CHALLENGE !

Proud of you mathman. Keep making the correct calculations and you'll stay well on course! Remember you are becoming a far better person than you can ever imagine possible. But you are making good progress keep going. Just one day at time never look back!

 

Day 12 (or day 0), not sure how to count today. I have been very aroused today, and it was very hard to focus, but then I was sitting on the toilet and I had just been watching YouTube and I saw this attractive bikini model, so I had started looking her up. Something snapped me out of it, but at that point my genitals were really sensitive, and so when I was on the toilet, I think I may have orgasmed. Not 100% sure. Did not want to look for fear of confirmation, if I ejaculated or not. However, afterward, I felt this rush of calm. I feel like it could go either way. I may have accidentally caused myself to orgasm, but it would have been because I was feeling triggered all day and therefore much more sensitive to the slightest of sensations. If it is a reset, which a part of my mind is telling me it is, then this is the longest I have made it since my 22 day streak over a month ago. However, it feels so much like a blur these past few days due to brain fog, and now I am out of it, and I don't want my streak to end because of being overly triggered resulting in an orgasm due potentially to ejaculation. I don't know. I think I will reset in part of being on hard mode and therefore trying to go without any kind of release for now. Sad though, as I was hoping to make it to Astronaut on Thursday.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Thank you! I guess for me, it felt like a relapse because I had touched myself through out the day (stopping quite a bit because I realized what I was doing, but I was in a brain fog on the toilet, and it all seems like a blur. It all cleared up though and so I want to believe it was because I was masturbating (because that is how I orgasm), and if I was, it was mindless. I am aware of sometimes mindlessly touching myself, and I usually stop before I ejaculate, but given my brain fog and extra arousal, it would not taken much to do so and I guess I feel guilty if I was mindlessly doing that. Hell, yesterday is a blur until I orgasmed, so while I know I got a lot of school work done and was really triggered, I cannot say I know how I got to where I was. I definitely have to be more conscientious about how I handle myself, because mindlessly touching myself, while sort of done by habit can lead to consciously masturbating. I don't know if that changes things @hoping_cannon ?

Edit: I have decided after consulting with others, that I am going to reset to day 13. When I am going through big changes, I tend to self-sabotage, and a reset to an accidental orgasm would be a self-sabotage. I also recognize why I sometimes touch myself. It actually has to do with masturbation, or at least past masturbation. When I was younger, I was a bit overzealous, and the way I masturbated caused scar tissue to build up in my penis, which means I sometimes get painful erections, and when I touch myself during an erection, it eases some of the pain. I usually do that until I can meditate on reducing the erection, and last night, I was probably doing just that, and given my arousal, the slightest touch sent tingling through my body. Again, the only reason I think that happened is because I orgasmed, but given all that, I am going to be compassionate with myself, and reset my counter to 13 days.

 

What you are describing here is called edging! Do not continue this! It's pretty bad and causes as much damage as complete pmo.

 

Yes, I am aware of what it is called. Though it was not like I was going close to climax and stopping, like I assume edging would be (though that does sometimes happen). More often than not, it was literally just touching myself without too much sensation, though I think that given the context of this forum, I should specify. I do know when I edge, and I am aware how bad it can be. Some have said, and I agree, that it is worse than PMO because you never climax so you are constantly damaging the brain. But yeah, I see what you mean. As it was, I am checking in on here, because I was testing something on an app and pornographic images came up so I logged off and logged onto here where I saw your message. I was tempted to PMO, but I did not. I guess I am just vulnerable and need to keep more proactive.

Edit: I am logging off my devices for the night and I will start over tomorrow when I am not triggered any longer.

 

Hi, come back again because I just relapse, I haven't done that in a while. I'll take the challenge again even though I won't be very active.

 

Nice to have you back! All the best.

 

Good work. Perhaps taking up a physical activity could help you. I can't quite remember if it was you who cycled. But I run and man it really helps to channel the energy somewhere positive. Also switching any negative or sexual thoughts to something positive or pure. You'll be ok.

 

Made it through the night and got up at 5am, took a cold shower, and I have eaten breakfast, all before 7am. I am not a cyclist. In fact, I really need to get more exercise. I sometimes dance to music, and sometimes I even break a sweat, but unfortunately, I do not dance as much as I could. I want to get a weight set and start putting on some muscle. Not only would I be stronger, but I could channel the erotic energy into a workout.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 15 - Astronaut @hoping_cannon

I realize I have a problem with unconscious edging, however, I have not edged since Monday, so I feel great!

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 16 - Had a shitty moment. One of the leaders on another challenge got on me for "edging" saying that is was masturbation without orgasm, and I suppose it is, but for me a lot of the touching myself was not edging per se, and even when it was, it was never conscious. When it became conscious, I always stopped or decided to go all the way. Anyway, after that conversation, I came on here to say that I was resetting, and then I went and sobbed in the corner of my room for 10 minutes, before having a conversation with my mom. And since @hoping_cannon seems to be more understanding, she thought it would be better to focus on this challenge where I am at peace with myself than at the other challenge, when I get flash backs to some painful events when I was younger. It was the first challenge I ever joined, but I don't know if I can go back. It is too traumatizing.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Hey Mathman.
Don't be to worried about a reset. Remember the counter is for your benefit no one else's!
We only want you to be fully clean and free of this terrible habit.
You can be and you will be if you stay focused and honest and remember to be kind to yourself.
The other person was correct in saying that edging is M. It is but I would say that in the early stages of getting free it's pretty normal. We seem to perhaps touch a little more than we would like. I appreciate that you always stop when you realize. To me that shows that you are really trying. If you think that you are making good progress which I think you are, then it is still only up to you when you decide to reset.
I think most of us would be lying if we said we did not edge from time to time early on.
But when you realize that it is the edging that keeps your mind craving the ol ways. When you see it for what it is you will also leave that behind.
Pick yourself up friend and keep walking. Your doing well.

 

Thank you. Unfortunately, as the night went on, his words weighed on me, and I convinced myself that I was a failure and that failures PMO. So I PMO'd out of some sick need to prove that I was as screwed up as his words made me feel. Now I am on day 0 and starting again, this time, with full intention to not edge. Thank you for your kind words though.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

It's ok. I have also had relapses where I just thought stuff it. And it's perhaps better to just get past it. But notice afterwards that it did not help. It only hurt you more. It's good also to really think about how it made you feel. So next time you get pushed towards a relapse you almost skip past the viewing and the act itself. Skip to the moment afterwards. I've found by making myself think about how I feel afterwards this has actually helped me avoid total relapse in the past.
I definitely recommend for you to take up a physical sport of some kind. Running is free and you really start to enjoy it after a while.
It's good to make plans to help you get past moments of sadness or disappointment.
Take care.

 

I know it is just a counter, but I feel like I have to stay accountable to myself. I made peace with the other guy, and I realized that I have a lot of emotional baggage to take care of that is driving my addiction. I am on day 2 and doing well. Had a moment today where I had my hand on my groin for like 5 seconds, and I considered masturbating (which I have no general issue with, but I am trying Hard Mode as I do have a masturbation problem as well I believe). Anyway, I took my hand off my penis and I sat with my urge for a couple minutes and boy was it uncomfortable, however, in the end, the urge passed and I realized that I had successfully "surfed the urge". It was such a triumphant moment to not just give in. I love you and @Henryforward 's support as you too have kept me sane with your kind words over the last few weeks. I let other people get to me, and I let my past get to me in a way that I took another person's words quite harshly despite them trying to be supportive. I said some things to him that were not the nicest, and I did apologize because I realized that just like how I PMOd in distress, I lashed out at him in the same distress. I have been having a couple productive days, and now I am ready to have a productive life.

Thank you.
best,
Mathman1994