THE INTERSTELLAR CHALLENGE !

Day 0.
fcked up

 

day 11

 

Day 11.
Picked my phone up in the night as woke up very aroused. But thought about it and put it down. Basically God reminded me that I really don't want to do that. Just keep remembering how unsatisfied it leaves you and how dirty you feel. Don't give into something that will only rob you of joy.

 

day 12

 

Thank you.

I am regaining focus. I slept until 12:30PM today (on a Saturday so not as big of a deal, though still not ideal). I am now 6 days clean and a Drone Catcher which feels great. I have not posted in three days for various reasons, but I am still clean. My parents are out of the house all afternoon, so I will be on my own until they get back, which means I have time to practice my recovery skills. Found this app while mindlessly browsing YouTube (not the best idea, I know), that is called the challenge alarm clock. In order to shut it off, you need to complete a set number of challenges, which in the mean time wakes up your brain and prepares you for the day. I play D&D tonight and we play until anytime between 10PM and midnight, so my sleep will be reduced, but I figure if I have to do a couple challenges to turn off my alarm, then I should be able to start getting up at 5:30AM every morning and maybe get some writing done for this novel I have been working on for 9 years. My goal is for this time next year to have "The Vampyre" submitted for publication. The 5:30-6AM will involve waking up and showering, and then 6-7:30/8AM (depending on when work starts) will involve writing. I talked to this screen writer who had written a few movies and he said that if you really want to finish a novel, you have to write like five pages a day (even if you scrap them the next day). Just put words on a page even when you have writers block. It will keep you engaged and in a very short amount of time, you will have finished your first draft. I started working on this book 9 years ago, and I figure 10 years is finally time to have it finished. I am going to clean the litter boxes in a moment, and then I am going to talk a cold shower and then write for a couple hours.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Good on you. I had a moment like that yesterday where I was in the house by myself, and for the briefest of moments, I thought about PMOing while my family was outside on our deck. Anyway, I did not put down my device right away, but I did pull up Pokemon TCG online and signed in to get my daily bonus, which is why I had come inside in the first place, then I put my device down, used the restroom and returned outdoors. I was very proud of myself, and you should be too.

 

Day 0 -Farmer @hoping_cannon

It all happened so quickly. I did not even think. I hung up with a friend, saw I had some notifications, read the news, saw a triggering photo, and then instead of closing my laptop and ending it right then and there, I decided to look up some models, then I was PMOing. All within about a 5 minute period. How does this happen?!?!

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Still day 0

At 12:30AM I relapsed again, 6 hours after my first yesterday. I was up late with my parents watching movies, which while fun was a mistake. After that, I was up until 1:30AM watching YouTube trying to relax my mind from my relationship. Meditation would probably have worked better, but I wanted to distract myself from the pain instead of accepting it. However, I still got up at 5:30AM with my new alarm clock app that makes you do challenges in order to shut it off. I got up, meditated, took a freezing shower, then got out, which at that point put me at 6:30AM. At that point I ate breakfast, and then sat in my Dad's chair. I fell asleep and then at 8:30AM, my family went to church, after which I came back and read a little. Now I am going to eat lunch and then I am going out with a friend at 1:30AM. I hope to do some writing this afternoon, and the journal both in my goals/life journal and then in my gratitude journal.

I hate relapsing, but each time it is a reminder that I am not living my best life which gets me back on the straight path.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

day 13

 

day 14

 

Day 0 but this time not because of P just MO. I was almost to day one when I for whatever reason decided to check some files on my phone. I am glad I did, because I found pornographic photos and videos as well as p-subs on my device dating back to early march. Turns out whenever I clicked on an image while on my phone on this one app, which I have used for two things (one to keep in contact with some people I work with, and two as of March of this year, to also view porn not blocked by blockers). As I cannot not not use the app as it is the only means of keeping in contact with my coworkers (job policy), I have had to resist not using it for porn. With that said, I realized I had over 2000 videos and photos on my phone from this app of things I had clicked on, and though they were just small pictures to show what was in the file (as I did not dare click on them), I knew what they were. So I spent half an hour from 10PM to 10:30PM deleting all 2000+ files feeling triggered and tempted as I did it. I wish I could say that I made it through without any kind of acting out, but I made the decision to MO after the files were deleted. I reset my counter to midnight, and while I am not proud of the MO'ing, I am glad the files are gone. At first a little voice in my head said, "just keep a couple of them around, it will be okay", but I did not listen and my hard drive on my phone is clear of these files. In a way, this was very ritualistic as one it told me that the app saves everything to my phone, so I need to be careful what I click on (meaning no more P or P-subs), and two it was like I was deleting PMO from my life. Now I need to escape the chaser effect these next few days (lately it has been lasting a week or so which I do not know if that is normal for it to last longer the more into recovery I am). Anyway, I feel confident that if I can make it to a week from Wednesday no PMO/MO/M, I should be relatively free and my longterm habits can take over for the willpower that it takes to fight the chaser effect early on.

I wish I was 1.5 days clean now, but from now on (as always, but especially now), I have a choice. I cannot help be triggered by things I see online and in life, but I can choose to overcome it and to close out/close down, or leave the current situation for a more public place to calm down and to meditate. I have a choice and I need to take it.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 14