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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by Marcus Aurelius, Aug 25, 2019.
Day 1/90 - Youngling. Let’s make this a great November!
DAY 61 of semen retention.
DAY 36 of no PMO.
DAY 1 of NNN.
Day 15, checking in.
i had a great event yesterday... i played at a show. there was this girl that i invited. we have not seen each other for years. it felt so special. though she is "taken" we had physical play, as we went back home and at my house, the first time in my life it was so reciprocal and intense. there was great physical feedback. i am greatful... too bad we can't go further for the moment. now i know what they mean by "someone will find you".
ok so back to the lonely world. it is okay, she can't own me. i am an individual as she is.
sending you Love. thank you.
555 days semen retention
Day 35 - Jedi Knight
Day 1 - Youngling
I was thinking of something someone on another challenge said about NoNutNovember essentially just being a month like any other, and if we only focus our recovery on staying clean in that time period, we may just succeed, but guess what happens on December 1st if we do not take actionable steps in our life to change. As such, while this is a forum for recovering pornography addicts, I am going to do something different than I did when I was on here last. I am not going to discuss my pornography addiction outside of updating my counter everyday. No, instead, I am going to discuss my life without pornography, what it is like in this short period, what it will be in the long period, and what changes I am making in the mean time to live my best life. As they say, the opposite of addiction is connection, and while I was doing the coaching program, I had connection every Tuesday at 4am (he's in Australia). However, I have been feeling lost without that, and I started to engage in some of my old behaviors. However that ends now. NNN may be just an arbitrary point of time, but it is just as good as any to get clean finally.
I created a fantasy journal with a list of my pornographic fantasies, whether I watch pornography based on these fantasies, or I just visualize them as I masturbate. Later, I will create a list of non-pornographic fantasies that take me out of life, but I am just focusing on the sexual ones in nature. Then every night this month, I will analyze one of those fantasies (looking at the less common ones and working my way up to the more common ones), and write down a list of things I feel when I think about these fantasies. This will be in a controlled, meditative setting to not be triggering, my reasoning being, if I can hash out my emotions involving these fantasies in a safe space, then when I get triggered and the fantasies come rushing back, I will ideally have developed the tools to fight these fantasies.
Additionally, I am getting my schooling under control and making changes to my schedule to accommodate my work hours. I want to get back to language practice everyday, learning German and Spanish. I also want to write for 15 minutes a day at least for my novel. Lastly, I want to rise at 5AM, drink coffee and start my day working on language practice, dancing, and writing before I work on school work and head to campus to attend lecture and study.
Anyway, I hope you all have a spectacular day!
157 Days - Senior Jedi Council Member
Day 15, the force is getting stronger!
Day 2/90 - Youngling. Let’s make this a great November!
Day 16, checking in.
18'46" of running today.
have a nice day !
556 days semen retention
7 Days since I joined the force!
Patience you must have, my young padawan.
Much to learn I still have indeed, but it feels great about be hitting the 60s
Day 2 - Youngling
I got up at 5am this morning like I had been promising myself I would do for the last few months and I am now sitting in my office writing this while no one else is here. I have not had the urge to view or touch myself, and in my trigger analysis of fantasies, I realized in writing about just one minor fantasy that involves my pornography tastes on occasion, I have a pretty messed up mind. The fantasy is fairly benign, but the underlying cause is messed up. My fantasy has implications in my standard life without pornography because I sometimes want to be a rule breaker, and to sabotage things and people, and then to swoop in and fix the problems I caused. It is pretty messed up, and I got that all from reflecting on pornography that has no seeming connection to that desire. Now I think that comes from me being very studious all of my life and to be as they would say in D&D, lawful good. I like rules and generosity, but sometimes, I want to be chaotic and to cause trouble. While that is not something I would ever to do, I realized that pornography even if completely benign (as much as pornography can be benign that is), allows my subconscious to break the rules. I grew up in a very open minded household, but I was very rigid. My parents warned against pornography as much as they could in the growing internet age, however, it was me who enforced the ultra puritan values on myself. When you grow up have ultra puritan values, you tend to feel repressed which leads to acting out. I acted out in secret for years with pornography, and to me, it was an act of rebellion, not against my parents, but against my own draconian rules. Since I always held high expectations and self-imposed rules for myself, sometimes the pressure gets too much and I fantasize about being chaotic evil and causing trouble. A non-pornography related fantasy that involves me being chaotic evil, is that I fantasize about being a Sith Lord from Star Wars who conquers the world to bring peace. Now for those who know about the Sith, they tend to use violence to achieve their ends. I am a pacifist in life, but in my dreams I am a Sith Lord who destroys the world and then rebuilds it into a utopia. I bring chaos and destruction, and then I act as the savior. Now this is all a fantasy, but I realize that there is a lot of things at play in my subconscious and I would not have connected the pieces if it were not for analyzing a type of pornography I view on rare occasions. So already my trigger analysis is going well.
In other news, I am journaling again writing at least three accomplishments of the day, three goals for the next day, three gratitudes, three blessings I wish to give to people, and anything I could improve. It is surprising how by focusing on just the good and not PMO recovery in my journal, I feel so much happier when I go to bed. I also have had problems with not showering for a few days at a time, but NNN will be my new life start with me getting up at 5am everyday and showering everyday. Soon, I want to start language practice again everyday in German and in Spanish.
Anyway, hope you all have a stellar day (night)!
Day 16, the fore is getting stronger!
Day 36 - Jedi Knight
158 Days - Senior Jedi Council Member
I'm on Day 198, and still get urges to go to p*** sites, you must never let your guard down to the dark side
Youngling checking in day 5