The last thread.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by flor3334, Jun 10, 2020.

  1. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1

    Been here since 2017. Largest streak was 25 days, in the beginning of this year. Been without internet 1,5 year and when I got it back into the house the first time it went fine. But after about 65 days the old habit of PMO'ing is coming back. Masturbated 11 times the last 4 days. And that is a real exception to the rule. Before this I masturbated 1 time in 24 days, and not to porn. So 5 days ago somehow I decided to go back in this shit again and here we are.

    Made a lot of small threads the last years. But decided it to be better to just have one thread, and stay on it until the mission is completed. First, 30 days NoPMO. Then we will see further.
     
  2. serhpy

    serhpy Fapstronaut

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    you can do it bro
    i believe in you
    remember that you only live one life and dont waste it for just a few seconds of pleasure

    peace
     
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  3. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you serphy. So I have declared total war on porn and masturbation. After compulsive binge-pmo-ing yesterday I can feel my body really is out of balance. Slept for half an hour and feel already it is going in the good direction again. The Lord made the body in a wonderful and fearful way. Wonderful in the healing there can occur and fearful the things that can happen when you persist in breaking His eternal laws, like watching porn and masturbate to it. Because however you bend it, it IS wrong, and there ARE consequences, whether we like it or not.

    So now I have done two things. One is I have laid scissors near the cables for the router. So that if I am going to watch P(subs) again I just cut the wires. It must be over now. I have done this years ago also many times. Second is I implement a new good habit: 19.00u. I go walking or cycling at least 30 minutes and after it a glass of freshly squeezed carrot-juice, which helps me in lower stress-levels.

    I am reading "Wired for intimacy" - How pornography hijacks the male brain. By William M. Struthers. On page 59 he states:"Sexually acting out in response to pornography creates sexual associations that are stored as hormonal and neurological habits. These associations are seared into the fabric of the brain." So 15 minutes ago I opened the newspaper and I saw some girls in it and immediately I understood what this sentence means, because the FIRST thing I saw was something pornographic, although the picture was totally not pornographic but due to the binging of the last days my brain thinks now every picture of a woman is pornographic in some way.
    The good news of course is that you can stop watching porn(subs) NOW and the rewiring immediately begins!

    So now we load all our weapons and we are going to kill this enemy in a nice way or in not a nice way, it doesn't matter. We must win. Amen.
     
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  4. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1, not using porn day 3

    So on the second day I was good the whole day until I lay in bed, where I masturbated. This seems to be a bit of a persistent problem. Same happened about 4 days ago. It's a shame really 'cos of the chaser effect. It's a bit after 13.00u. now and still good. After coming home had a big urge. Mainly because of this hot young girl at work. She sat in front of me a long time and when she walks a bit you see this short tight pants. And yes, I just can't take my eyes of it. So my body wanted to M when I got home. But I decided no, just sat for 10 minutes, letting the urge be and then it was gone. Same thing yesterday, I masturbated 'cos I just stared for to long at some other young girls which also worked at the same place that day. It's not that I am staring longer then 10 seconds, but still just can't take my eyes off fast enough.

    Because of the one masturbation yesterday I was noticably weaker and more tired today. So see the enormous effect here! Motivation was almost gone today and I felt emotionally wrecked in contrast with yesterday, on day 2 of NoPMO and already a lot stronger. Also the resisting one hour ago, immediately after it you can feel you gain strength, a little bit. If I would have acted out I sure would have lost a lot of strength.

    For me it really is a fight to become a strong person. I HAVE TO beat this in order to become one. Although I had my own business years ago I have a long history of being just not stable, not strong, enough to push through and live a really good and fulfilling life. My mother once said to me: "Why are you always so tired?". And now I realise this masturbating probably always had a lot to do with it. So I MUST overcome this.
     
  5. serhpy

    serhpy Fapstronaut

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    Bro use the simple trick of just not touching your dick
     
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  6. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0

    So it has been some days. In the meanwhile cut the wires and bought them again a few times. Porn yesterday, porn today, I realize I really have a problem. Time to take it serious again and fight it. So I go once again with the definition on "yourbrainonporn": "No artificial sexual stimulation during your reboot.” By artificial we mean pixels, audio and literature. No porn substitutes allowed, such as: surfing pictures on Facebook or dating sites, cruising Craigslist, underwear ads, YouTube videos, “erotic literature”, etc. If it’s not real life, just say ‘no.’"
    I must give it all I got and set on hold all other things, 'cos this habit is literally destroying my life.
    The time it gets hard is in the afternoon/evening, so today and yesterday gave in in that period. It starts with a thought of just looking for some girls, but then it of course escalates.
    So I bought the post-its, what you recommended, serphy, and I will post all over my laptop everything that may help.
     
  7. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1, here we go.

    Did my work on the farm today and talked a while with this young girl. She asked how old I am. I said you guess, but guess seriously. So she said 30. So now my day is allright, hehehe. (I am 40). Really? she said. Yeah really. Oh my God, and this is with looking to porn, when I am actually much weaker, then when I am when I am without porn… God gives me another chance here, but this cycle of porn-watching MUST be broken now, or sooner or later I will be the one that will be broken beyond repair.
    At home felt a lot of tension, and I have this for long time already, and it is also porn-related. I know everyday without porn, the tension will be less and less, until it evaporates completely. Everything very logical of course. Watching porn everyday asks way to much of the body, it is just unnatural, it's that plain simple. So remove the thing that causes stress for the body, and the body will get better. Eehhh...sounds logical not? So now do it. Make the right choice. Blessing or curse, choose what you want.
    So I have my post-it's, I have this site and the site of yourbrainonporn. The war is on.
     
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  8. All the best @flor3334, let's get ruthless about it.
     
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  9. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Amen to that. Beautiful women? We don't care. We have a better life ahead in front of us.
     
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  10. Hehe
     
  11. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2, regaining the first bits of strenght, dusting off the weaponry, and planning for the fight ahead.

    Just like my e-bike, today I ran on the last bits of my battery. Slept for a while during the day, but still feel my body and mind are getting little stronger. I suppose it is the stress-chemicals slowly leaving the body.
    This is the time I must prove to the spirit-world that it is serious business now not watching any P(subs) again, ever. To add a kilo of seriousness onto it I will be going in therapy for this, so a professional will be helping me with this. That is a great step forwards for somebody who is autonomic like euhhh……..well, like someone that is extremely autonomic.
    Although I fell from grace the last weeks, watching porn again like a Master Bator, still got the compliment today that I am much more stable then I used to be. So imagine how it will be without porn!!! One thing that changed is that the shame is totally gone. In 2018 when I was deeeeeep into porn, there was also lots of guilt and shame. That is now gone. Now it's only frustration and accumulating agression and a war-mindset to win this. I must overcome this, left, right or through the centre.
    So now, wet the swords and TO VICTORY!
     
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  12. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 3, climbing the little hill.

    To me the first 3 days out of the pits of hell, what porn really is, are like a little hill to be climbed. When I am on day 4 I see the valley ahead of me and in the distance the mountain that is called "week 3 and 4". That are the weeks it usually goes wrong.
    Today I signed up for therapy for this. I hope the first session will be before I must climb the mountain. In a meanwhile I will be here for at least once a day and daily I watch videos, now on yourbrainonporn.com.
    So now not taking it too easy, preparing for the climb ahead that will come.
     
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  13. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4, bit depressed, fight to get into the good positive attitude again.

    Day 4, so climbed the hill out of the pit and now see the desert in front of me and the mountain far away. Porn destroys man physically, spiritually and mentally. Physically I am much better then day 0 and 1 but still far away from where I can be, it just will take time. Spiritually still bit fucked up. When I saw a beautiful jogster today could not help myself but staring way way too long. Actually this doesn't feel good at all for me. It's a bad habit. Best would be just appreciating her beauty and move on, doing the stuff I suppossed to do. And mentally fighting to get back in the healthy mindset again, and not letting depression taking over.
    So I hope the counselor will react soon that maybe at the end of next week I can begin with it. Fought this alone for way too long, like the deluded person in one of the great funny videos of Noah B. Church: Thiiiiiiiiiiisssssss time I will be strong enough.......yeah right..
    So, lazy sunday, trying to appreciate just small things in life, the wind blowing to the beautiful tree I have in my garden, just trying to appreciate the good things. "You don't know how good you have it", my mother often said when we where youngsters". "Yeah mom whatever..." But know I now how true she was, and it's a fight to get back to it, back to the good life which the monster of porn destroyed.

    R. v/d P. signing of for today. Stay vigilant, or relaxed, or however you have to stay to stay away from porn.
     
  14. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 5, rollercoaster ride

    Strength is building up. And emotions are coming strong. In the afternoon was very frustratred because the printer would not work. So threw some things against the wall, hehehe. Had to cool off. In the evening watched a series, Heartland, on New Faith Network, a Christian variant on Netflix, so without the extreme violence, nudity, adultery and all the other crap Netflix has to offer. And had to cry a little, which is a good sign. I am human. When I am few weeks in hopefully I am strong enough to go into the dating pool again. Life is shit always being alone.
    Thursday the counseling begins. Today at the farm had a good conversation with the farmer and he said: "So you actually already overcame this, you just need to have a good conversation once in a while". And that is how it is, a good conversation, a few more trics to stay away from porn if the going gets tough, which it will, and then actually I am already free. This stupidity just has to ends now. And it ends now. Dammit.
     
  15. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 6

    Laid down on bed in the afternoon for more then an hour. My body is still not recovered from the last binge. But it goes better. Now I laid down after dinner and doing something after dinner. The first days it was already before and even halfway dinner. I do not count the number of M. But I think it is day 3 now without. Without the porn(subs) of course the no.1 urge-giver is blocked. And so it is easier to abstain from M altogether. Had to torn 3 pages because of images I saw in folders that came in the mailbox (the physical one). I took a look only for max. 2 seconds and decided away with it. So that is good.
    Now I must learn enjoying the boredom which sets in as evening strikes. Just relax instead of lust. Watching series, drinking a beer (now it is not the time to quit that). Cooking a healthy meal, and face all the emotions without numbing myself through pixels. Life can be hard sometimes when you are awake. But one must face it.
    2 days before counseling begins.
     
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  16. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 7

    First week almost done. Torn some urge-givers out of the papers, but then thought why do I do this. Because internet is full of much worse and I can search it any time. So next time, just go to the next page. And then of course not go back, no second looks.
     
  17. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 9

    It's a quarter past twelve, so technically day 9. I couldn't sleep, so here I am in the early hours of the morning. So today, no, yesterday, I went to the counselor. The hour was over fast. I talked a lot. Of course first he must know my story. My case is now that I am good 1 to 3 weeks not watching porn(subs), but then give in to it, hard. Then I am sick and begin another streak of 1 to 3 weeks. Why keep I hurting myself so bad? What does it give you, was his first question. Yes of course, I heard that one before. We say our addiction does not help us, but the fact is, IT DOES. It gives us exactly what we want. But I am not sure yet what exactly it gives me. I said maybe this way I remain weak, like I have been for years. People know me like that and I know me like that. It is the status quo so to say. After some weeks of no porn I am much stronger and somehow I do not know how to deal with life then, so back to porn and back to being weak and diseased. So I am here to break the cycle. Next thing he mentioned that the porn-watching is of course the tip of the iceberg. Underneath are the total of reasons and causes which lead to me doing such a destructive thing. Question: why shouldn't I do something good for myself instead of something bad? And what are these reasons and causes? So here I am in therapy to find out these things. Next time will be over 2 weeks. I hope, NO, I MUST not go back to porn(subs) in this period. What helped me the last week was just every day watching videos on yourbrainonporn, so that's one thing I continue.

    Break the cycle or the cycle will break you!
     
  18. Innervision

    Innervision Fapstronaut

    Best of luck on your journey, friend! I'll advice to set some positive activities you can start or reinforce in order to replace old negative habits. What activities could you start? Personally, I do meditation, exercise and journaling on a daily basis in order to build that foundation of good habits and practices. From my previous experience on this journey, it's better to focus on positive activities to do/reinforce instead of just fighting the negative ones. Once again, all the best and stay sharp!
     
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  19. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 9

    Thanks for your kind remarks. You are right, the streaks that went the best were the ones where-in I was occupied in doing other things. In 2018 for example I participated in a bootcamp, 30 days of discipline. Not watching porn was never that easy, I was or too busy or too tired.
    Journaling I am doing here almost every day now. More exercise is something I have to take into consideration. Today was the first day in this streak that I didn't have to lie down during the day and I could eat my dinner with no trouble (one symptom I have when I watch porn is difficulty eating). Energy is really rising now and in the time I mostly failed in the past (in the afternoon), doing a long walk or something is surely a viable option. Meditation I want to pick up again in the form of meditating on the Word of God. I bought a new Bible and soon must start seriously reading it again.
     
  20. flor3334

    flor3334 Fapstronaut

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    Day 10, pfffffffff... this day also will pass.

    Good day, bad day. Yesterday was the good one, today frustration plays a big role. I have some physical problems which sometimes makes it difficult to stay on the bright side of life. Masturbated 2 times, not to porn of course. Maybe I am more down because of this too.
    Too tired to write more. 10 days, at least that is ok.
     

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