The Lies I’ve Told Myself

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ElderStatesman, Aug 25, 2020.

  1. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    I’m new, but I believe this is the right Forum for this thread. I’ll share with you the lies I’ve told myself to rationalize my addiction, hopefully not to drown in guilt, but to avoid them from now on, or maybe just vent and get junk off my chest.

    First, I’ll note I use the word “lie” for a reason. It is powerful and, ironically, true. Words have meanings on many levels, and I think stuff like “excuses” or “rationalizations” or “equivocations” just dance around it too much. That’s how I’m going at it, but I have no problem with others who have their own take on it. As a 25 year PMO addict with precious few periods of sobriety, I’m the one with a lot to learn here.

    LIES:

    1. “I’m Just Going To Take a Quick Look.”
    Yeah, right. And maybe it is just that - the first time. Then another and another until eventually, that day or the next, I’ve lost myself online for hours.

    2. “I can get this under control if I really need to.” Uh-huh. Just like that drunk who can quit if he wants. Interestingly, a couple of years ago, I surprised myself with months of sobriety, incredibly more than anything in many, many years. Which led to my next lie:

    3. “I’ve been clean for months, one lapse won’t be a big deal.” And, then, there I was, one “lapse” to another until I was just really fully back in my addiction, but guess what? I could then tell myself:

    4. “I was sober for months once, I’ll just do that again when I want to.” Pretty much another spin on #2 above, with an enhanced delusion of things being okay, because I “proven” myself in the past.

    I’ll get to more in another post.

    Basically, where I’m coming from is like a hard core alcoholic. I just can’t take a single drink. I’m not setting a reboot goal of a certain number of days, because the number I need has a name all it’s own. It’s called FOREVER.

    As I stated at the outset, I’m new, so maybe I have things to learn about what reboot is, but this is where I’m at for now.

    I’d be interested if anyone wants to share their “lies” or whatever handle you choose to put on such thoughts. Also any other perspectives on the above.

    Thanks for reading, if I managed to get you this far. And stay safe.

    Day Two Done
    One Day at a Time
     
  2. Summer Son

    Summer Son Fapstronaut

    Nice post, I've told myself all of above. If I try to add something with these rationalizations or lies:

    1-) "Your life is a mess, you have used a lot of porn, you will never gonna recover..."

    Then, work on it. Nobody cares your life situation, If you want to change your life, don't complain. Reconsider your life, get a life goal, think about your values. Changing is not just possible, in the same time it is unavoidable. Everytime you stay clean your brain changes itself.

    2-) "Life awaits after my recovering is over."
    Hmm... It does not work like that. How many times you told that? Get a life experience as possible, now. You don't know how many years you will stay in the world, life is too short. Yes, it is really hard with everyday porn session that make you a zombie but in order to real change, you have to take action some point in your recovery.

    3-) "I am horny. I need a just masturbation without porn. I have already rebooted, I have rock-hard erections, I gained all of 'benefits'. I don't have a partner to sex with, this is healthy, porn is unhealthy."
    Maybe for a non-addicted guy use masturbation as a joy tool. But if you are a porn addict, it is not possible. If you try this, you will see a lot of times you can't do masturbate without porn. When you try it, you reinforce the addicted porn pathways and in the same time you wire your brain to your hand. And eventually you will come back to porn. Don't rationalize it. After you masturbate, you will lose your motivation to keep going, you let your guards down, you will feel weaker and then you know your compulsive behaviours and porn comes later. Remember your brain want its dopamine hits, it is not related with orgasm, you are not addicted to orgasm itself, your brain wants constant fantasy, hot novel babes, unending novelty. And masturbation itself it unnecessary, there is no goal with this behaviour. If you don't think math equations or changing your car wheels you will probably use hypersexual thoughts that lead dopamine high in the same neural pathways.

    4-) "I want to get rid of this feelings. I am under stress, I have a serious headache, I need my fix to get back to life. Because I don't concentrate on anything."
    If you want to keep addiction with your life, you will have this withdrawals forever. You can't concentrate because you have porn's instant gratification brain fog. You want to get over with problem itself. Porn created this problem and you want to fix that with more porn. But in the same time you need a life management skills especially about leading your emotions. You don't need for more porn.

    5-) "I have already seen a pornographic/adult content in a movie show. I already looked every possible mate in street. There is no difference from watching porn. I can take a look some bikini models, instagram beauties, or search soft images."
    OK, stop there. You might have a bad day, you might did not sleep well, because of everything. Again there is no need to rationalize porn. If you search for porn with consciously on the internet, it will affect you more. Stop this behaviour. And do you think searching softcore images not considered porn? Porn is not just porn, it is artificial stimuli that leads you hit a dopamine high. You need to regain your life and stop digging this fantasy land, get a real life.

    6-) "Now I am clean for X days/months/ years. There is no need to be careful other things. I can binge surfing on the net, I can take alcohol whatever amount I want, I have a rebooted brain there is no necessary to careful about my diet, exercise and sleep routines because I am energetic all times. I can turn back whenever I want to my normal healthy routine."
    You need to beware other counter-productive things can affect your life as porn and you might back to porn again. And you should know that if you want to have a good life, your daily behaviours and mindset is really important.

    7-) "I have a tons of times in the life. I am still young. I can quit whatever I want, now I take a look..."
    Life is too short. Everytime you digging into fantasy land, remember it will harder to quit in your future life. You will never gonna be 15, 22, 35, 40, whatever. You should make a plan in the life, this struggle is about life. Don't control your addiction, you should control the life. Remember you 'try' to quit tons of times, please change your mind, life is passing too fast. Tick tock. You can make this excuse even older than 70. Don't waste your time on the computer screen, don't make date with RGB pixels. Don't waste your beautiful times, your most productive, valuable times with jerking off to pixels.

    8. "I will never have a real, loving relationship."
    You don't know this until you try, and fail many times. If you still continue to masturbate to pixels, you don't have motivation to meet women, and continue this relationship. And this is not about just relationship. Be the man with the fullest potential. You don't need PMO or sexual compulsions. You can do a lot of things in the world, without porn, life is more pleasurable. And you know? Being a single is not that bad. Focus on your self-development.

    9-) "I can't recover even after a lot of this clean period. My recovering is taking too long. Why my depression won't go away? "
    It doesn't mean you have to have use porn and continue this lifestyle. Everytime you use porn, it will harder to quit. Everytime you use hypersexual thoughts to get a dopamine rush, your recovering period will longer. You need to stop this dopamine hits from artificial sexual stimulation. Think about other things that you make wrong in the life. Do you socialize enough? Do you have a good diet or exercise routine? Do you have enough sleep? What about your screen time? Do you use computer and smartphone as a tool improving yourself or searching for porn?

    10-) "I will be unsuccessful at school or job because I jerked off too much. I can't recover easily."
    OK. Addiction leads this kind of things. Easy and calm down. Relax. You need a more positive but realistic mindsets in order to control your life. When you prepared again, keep going on your life. Don't waste your time and energy with using a lot of more porn and binging sessions. You need a better strategy and tools in life. You can be unchained from pornography addiction. And you don't know what will gonna happen if you have a better mindset and techniques. Next time prepare for your all of arsenal and tools. Ending an addiction won't be easy.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2020
  3. idonthaveaname

    idonthaveaname Fapstronaut

    One of the biggest lies I've told myself is:
    Everyone masturbates and watches porn. It's normal and so I should do it to.
    By far the biggest lie I've told myself.
    Another one is:
    It's too hard to stay away from PMO today. I'll start tomorrow.
    Tomorrow came about a year too late.
     
  4. Shuffledude88

    Shuffledude88 Fapstronaut

  5. chip_danger

    chip_danger Fapstronaut

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    For me:

    Lie #1: Daily masturbation is normal/fantasy should be explored/it’s healthy to get to know my body in this way.

    Growing up hearing from the church that masturbation is a sin (“Idle hands are the devil’s tools,” etc.) I naturally rebelled against this sexual prudishness. I thought, it is more liberating to know your body sexually and have a private fantasy life. In reality, my PMO habit got out of control and unbeknownst to me, drained me of so much energy and potential in my work and relationships.

    Lie #2: I can resolve sexual frustration in my relationship by using PMO as a healthy outlet.

    “If my girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex,” I thought, “I can take care of myself.” In reality, PMO preoccupied my mind so much that it took away from me investing more into my relationships and becoming a man that my partner would want to have sex with. Now that I’ve cut PMO out, I am living on a higher plane, which is more attractive to my partner and leads to better sex. Even if sex isn’t more frequent, a) the quality is better and b) I have more discipline to not be bothered by spending a few nights without sex. My mind is not as preoccupied with uncontrolled lust as it was before.

    Lie #3: Amateur porn creators/cam girls are just normal, independent content creators, therefore nothing wrong with engaging with this industry as a part of my sex/fantasy life (compared to the major porn studios).

    Before I had the epiphany last year that PMO was deteriorating my quality of life, I got into amateur and cam niches and was starting to convince myself that this was a healthy part of the industry, since these creators weren’t big businesses but independent sex workers. In reality, while I don’t condemn cam girls or sex workers, the preoccupation with this type of porn is just as unhealthy for me and led me down a path of frequent PMO, wasting time, draining my life force, having uncontrolled sexual urges etc.

    Great thread. Cheers to opening our eyes to the truth y’all!
     
  6. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    A truly excellent post, Summer Son! Thanks so much. You touched a lot of things I’ve felt, and provided plenty of additional ideas. You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought and put some real work in on it. I’m definitely going to reflect on it, and read it over a few more times, as well.

    Stay in touch. And stay safe.
     
  7. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    Excellent! Those are two huge ones for me also. The “normalization” of porn may indeed be the biggest lie of our lives. Once we give ourselves that cop out, we’re solidly on the road to start justifying pretty much anything. The BIG LIE that begets all others.

    But, what the heck, if you’re going to tell yourself a lie, make it a big one, right?
     
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  8. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    Great stuff, chip_danger! Thanks for joining in. You’ve made a really valuable contribution, and it means a lot to me. Your #3 especially got me thinking. It touches on the “normalization” of porn that is what makes it so pernicious. Once you buy into that, you can start justifying all kinds of sh*t. I also can relate to the lie of finding a niche where you think it’s okay. I admire you for not condemning sex workers. Blaming others gets us nowhere. I think they have their own struggles, but I need to work on myself and having others like you around really helps.

    Congrats on 31 days. Stay sober. And stay safe.
     
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  9. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    Oh goodness, there are so many lies!

    Lately, however, I've been really thinking about three:

    1. I don't have time for recovery - On how many occasions have I said this to myself and then immediately spent the next several hours with pmo? I don't have time for reading, posting, journalling, walking, or what have you. And then - whammo! - hours immersed in whatever.

    2. This helps me cope - The lie here is that it doesn't, really. Pmo helps me avoid and there's a big difference. Far, far, far more often than not, the issues and situations I seek soothing from via pmo are still there once the deed is done. In such instances, pmo has helped me cope with nothing. All that's happened is I've delayed some aspect of my life.

    3. What I'm doing does not hurt anyone - In stunting my life engagement and development, pmo hurts me. In doing something similar to the chat room partners that I dive into this stuff with, it hurts them. And I simply do not believe that every model, every image, every person I look at is finding health and well-being in 'the industry', so it hurts at least some of them too.

    Great and painful and liberating and sobering thread.

    Here's hoping I keep it in mind and do the next right thing.
     
  10. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    LIES
    (Continued)
    5. “What I’m going to go look at now isn’t porn, so it’s okay.” That’s like a drunk telling himself one little beer is okay, because he’s not guzzling aftershave lotion. I am that drunk. We can discuss what is or isn’t porn until we crash the forum servers. Any erotica, whether a supposedly innocent pinup drawing or a merely suggestive photo, is the start for me, and, once started, it goes only one way. I can’t stop images from coming into sight. They’re everywhere. But I can choose to not focus on them and, most importantly, not go looking for them.

    6. “My marriage is stuck where it is and not going to change, so porn is the way for me.” Of course, a huge topic around porn is that it’s integral to sucking that life out of your relationship in the first place. We can write volumes on that. Also about avoiding doing the work that real relationships require. And so on...

    7. “I’m 73 years old. I could see changing if I were younger, but this works for me at this point.” You know what? Maybe there are guys out there alone with health, mobility, age, social dysfunction and other issues that do realistically perhaps put a functional relationship out of reach, and porn serves a healthy purpose for them. (Although the word “healthy” in relation to porn is a whole other issue, for a whole other discussion.) Congrats to me for having the foresight to give up on life and sign up well ahead of time.

    That’s it for now. Thanks to anyone reading and everyone commenting.

    Day Three is Here
    One Day at a Time

     
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  11. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    Thanks, tryingto. All great stuff. I especially appreciate your #2 because, in addition to “normalizing” porn, the lie that it could actually be THERAPEUTIC is really giving yourself permission to continue ruining your life. Once I’ve bought into these big lies, the rest just gets easier and easier.

    Thanks for joining. And stay safe.
     
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  12. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    Thanks, Shuffledude88. Stay in touch.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2020
    Shuffledude88 likes this.
  13. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    LIES
    (continued)​

    8. It’s normal. AKA: A vast number of people do it, it’s natural, only human, I’m no different than everyone else out there. Actually maybe these are true. We can get into what is normal. If a significant number of people are doing something, we statistically categorize it as “normative” behavior. So what? If every lemming in front of you is leaping off the cliff, is that what you want to do? The lie, then, is: It’s normal, so it’s okay for me to do it. I’ve found the unimaginably vast amount of porn feeds this lie. If there’s so much of it, hey, it’s not abnormal, right. It’s normal, and normal is okay, right? Yeah, right.

    9. I’ve led a good life. So what if I’m goofing with this? Yep. I raised my kids, and they are good citizens. I worked hard, provided, taught Sunday school, coached Little League, served on church boards and committees, contributed to causes. Could I have done better if I wasn’t jerking off? Maybe. But I did good enough, right? Well, this can actually get very involved and we could philosophize about it for threads and threads. In fact, maybe I’ll do more on it. For now, I’ll just short the circuit: If that’s not a lie, why do I know in my gut I need to quit?

    All for now. Stay safe.

    Hello, Day Four
    One Day at a Time
     
  14. Summer Son

    Summer Son Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your response! To overcome this addiction, we need to get tools and full of our arsenal. I'm pretty sure there will be more than these lies. Our brain has a fabulous lie potential to keep us addicted.
     
  15. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    And maybe this is what it all boils down to, @ElderStatesman: at some level I simply know that this needs to stop. I can make a series of arguments in support of this. And I can offer numerous counter-arguments why viewing porn is okay and / or deserved. At the end of the day, however, I know that staying up late and sneaking little minutes here and there in order to pmo needs to stop.
     
  16. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    Yep. Stay in touch
     
  17. ElderStatesman

    ElderStatesman Fapstronaut

    Yep. Stay in touch.
     
  18. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    For me, this is a difficult truth to admit - but it does seem to be a truth. When I use porn or porn substitutes, the outcome is predictable. I will escalate until I act out. And then I will very likely keep going. Thanks for this clear seeing, @Summer Son.
     
    Summer Son likes this.
  19. Summer Son

    Summer Son Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your reading. I actually posted it in wrong place :) Then I realized it and posted here: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/25-years-gone.287927/page-2#post-2702666

    It is difficult to admit it because if you have an addiction, you probably have used it for a life coping mechanism. Whenever you feel tired, depressed, angry, have an anxiety you used porn to fix this. After passing many years with addiction, you start to think "This is normal part of me." No it is not. And when you quit, your addicted brain starts lie to you, punish you, beat you with all of withdrawals. You feel bad with your inner self because it really plays good with you. And cycle continues...
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2020
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  20. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    " ahh I'll do this just one last time , and after this time it's over. The Grand finale !"
     
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