The life beyond my fantasy... Part 2

Recounting my life stories helps me to to let them go. In my fantasy life I have dreamed of everything. But more than anything, I wanted to be accepted by everyone and to be the focus of the company. I wanted instant gratification as a pill for my aching soul. It is like when you are a junky. You inject yourself a heroin and the moment it gets in your bloodstream, your pupils get diluted and you start to breath heavily, your veins get visible and you push out a prolonged sigh of relief. It was that way with jerking off. I would jerk off and it was like a helping hand to escape the hardships and the difficulties of this world. When I was horny, I was super-agitated and I was destructive. I could do some crazy things that I would never do in normal state of mind. I would write to some girls and be a laughingstock. So the only thing that I could do was to release the urge and wait fearfully when it would come back with double ferocity. In-between each masturbation session I was attacked by morbid and horrendous thoughts. I was getting lost in the torrents of those thoughts. I would remember previous bullyings and start fighting with imaginative enemies running to and fro in the room. It was depleting my energy. I was trying to tell someone my sufferings but I was ashamed to. They would laugh at me. That was the only thing I encountered in my life. Maybe my brain cooked it up but the bullings were killing me. I know it was all my fault. I was not myself and I was afraid to stand up for myself for not to get beaten. My mother was beating me and I was doing my best to escape it rathen than facing it. But I knew also there was noone who would teach me how to stand up for myself. I was trying to please everyone and instead of making friends with "average" guys I was trying to be friends with popular guys to show everyone that I had some value. But those guys were expoiting me and laughing at me. Every day I was coming home and the hell was welcoming me again. I was making myself comfortable on the sofa and after jerking off I would clean the strains on the sofa with the cushion and then put it under my head on the opposite side...