The lonely life of an attractive healthy relatively young male, LONG post, depressing

I don't have any of that stuff either man, I know how it feels.It sucks. It feels so lonely. I used to live overseas and there was a time I was happy - had very many friends a vibrant social life - People who cared about me, would call me, we'd go out and do things. I don't have none of that now. Just an adult out on my own in a sea of living. It feels so lonesome, guess I got used to it...what other option do we have.

I think the only option here is to get out and make that happen again. Find some groups or something and establish that. I became bitter and began to hate here a long time ago, wishing I was somewhere else. You either cope with it and deal - go back there someday, or learn to make it here, as best you can. I can't have what I had back then. As much as I want it. There's this huge hole inside of me. I can't hate it here and be consumed with bitterness. Have to be strong get up and make it, somehow.
As hard as life is, it only gets harder when you sit down and do nothing at all.


I'm in very much the same boat as you are in many ways. Just try to find the silver lining; the positivity. Try to grow, try to learn lessons and make changes that will help yourself cope with your situation now and your feelings.

 

Read closely what you wrote. Why the harsh judgment against yourself? Everyone has shortcomings, even those who are successful. The difference between a "loser" and a "winner" is that the former spends his time brooding over his shortcomings while the latter accepts his shortcomings and makes a calm and determined effort to either overcome them or compensate for them by being great at something. Or just simply accepts them and moves on with his life.

It is not your living situation or circumstances that make you a loser; Friedrich Nietzsche was lonely, poor, and a failure with women throughout his life, but none today would regard this genius as a "loser." Same could be said with Beethoven and ton of other magnificent human beings. Stephen Hawking surely is not a loser. Rather then spend their time brooding over their shortcomings in some areas, they focused their energy on producing masterpieces.

I'm not saying you have to do something spectacular, but you choose to put so much weight on your shortcomings and consider yourself a loser rather than accept them and move on with your life.

I am in a similar situation; 23, friendless, living at home (attending school) and I have not had sex in almost three years. But I definitely do not feel like a loser. Why? Because I recognize the desire to have sex as merely a desire to have sex, my desire to have my own apartment is just the desire to have my own apartment, my desire to have friends is just a desire to have friends. These are nothing more than wants and the price to pay for what I value in life. I can either choose to act on them or accept them and move on. Letting them determine my worth as a human being does nothing productive. Granted, I feel like I chose the life I am currently in, but I still feel lonely often, and when I feel lonely I just say to myself "I feel lonely. So what?" And as everything else, the feeling passes. It just comes and goes, like everything else. If I wanted to act on my desire to have sex, I would act on my desire to have sex. That's it.

You sound unhappy with your life currently. So my advice to you: accept your current life without judgment and move on. Set goals for yourself; practice talking to girls, being social, getting your own place ect. Your feeling of self-worth is just a feeling based on the shortcomings you choose to put weight on, my friend, not reality.

Start practicing meditation and this will be easier to understand.

 

Many of us are raised to judge ourselves harshly. We are judged by those that raise us harshly. Mostly because they care about us - but it can really mess us up in how we relate with ourselves. Society also judges us harshly. ..
I always felt this way, because my dad was military and he actually showed love through discipline, achievement. As weird as that sounds... There was a lot of fear and anxiety there. Worry ...apprehension about doing the right thing. I put so much pressure on myself. ....If I didn't I got yelled at. He was also very, extremely serious and that caused a lot of anxiety on me. I still treat myself this way and try to remind myself to relax..when it happens. It can and used to get me tied up in all kinds of knots with myself; fear/anxiety...seriousness..panic...correction, overanalysis. ..deeper into the cycle. it just would go on. It was actually horrible.
That's how we learn to love ourselves. You have to re learn a different way, a normal way to love yourself that is Actual love and let all the fear/anxiety/ judgement go.

 

Hey man you have quite a moving story. I can relate to a degree, I become isolated thanks to gaming when call of duty modern warfare 2came out. I spend age 17-19 playing cod when people were going out having fun and talking a lot. I used to be active and stopped that too. My skin became pale.

But I'm here now and I think that there's a book you should read it as itll help you loads. It's called
"Outwitting the devil" - by Napoleon hill. This man also went from positive to not so positive and managed to find faith in himself again.

 

I read your post. I get it totally. I was once where you are now. I am now 34 and have progressed a little but am by no means perfect.

One very simple but effective change I made was to switch from solo weightlifting to training with others in a group. Crossfit mostly. It isn't a perfect exercise and I still lift alone a couple of times a week because I actually like to train like that. But a couple of times a week I train with a great bunch of people who all actually want to get to know me unlike regular gym where it is easy to train alone all the time.

This really helps me. Or you could join an olympic weightlifting club or powerlifting club. Bodybuilding can be a really lonely thing to do but there other strength sports that allow for more socialising naturally.

 

Hi!
First of all, thank you to take the time to tell us your story. It gets really interesting and helps also to relate to each other in a deeper level. Very helpful in such a community.
Well, I'm not 27, I get 21 next month, but I kinda know how you feel.
I'm trying to find myself in my thirth course in university, now I really found something that I really like, but my obsessive thoughts disturb me A LOT and drain my energy so much. I also moved away a couple of times, 2 times of country (went to a germany and now back to brazil). So I understand how you feel. I was also very popular, had a lot of friends, played dark orbit for a couple of years (was so damn addicted) and was so damn good... and now, no friends, low self-steem, low social skills... and whats my hobby? yeah, to work out... BUT, I really think there is a way to get better.

First of all, NEVER GIVE UP.
My friend, it's not easy. For some people it's just like studying and start working and doing the same thing for the rest of their lifes. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. But for some people it is easier to addept in society.
I'm the kind of person that wants to take the best decision as possible, I don't want to look at my past and say "oooh, I could have been a engineer, a physician... or whatever", I want to decide NOW what I really want and love, so I can be happy. Imagine, you work 8-10 hours a day, sometimes even more, for 200 days a year. The transition from childhood-adulthood isn't easy.
Maybe someone who could give you a light to see what you should do with your life. A psychologist would be very helpful. You seem to have a lot of obsessive thoughts also... I know how it is, they make everything SOOO DAMN difficult. Why? Because they don't let us think clearly. So, how do you want to think clearly? These thoughts won't go away by themselves. Let me guess.. you get theses thoughts when you're alone, right? I think so.. The best thing is to really get these rubbish-emotions out of you. Some things that are repressed in your mind/heart/sould (name it how you want).. but that's really important. Emotions are timeless. What does it mean? It doesn't matter if you felt anger/sadness/rejection/etc 10 years ago.. if this shit didn't get out and you repressed it, it's still there. In our society it's quite normal that we don't have noone to talk to about those things. It's even harder for us, men. "Men don't cry".. people don't say it so frequently anymore, but women generally talk a lot more about their feelings than us.

Don't let time pass, don't wait to get 30 or even older to search for professional help. I'm not telling you're crazy, or severe depressed. No, really not. But it wouldn't harm, why not try it?

I wish you the best luck!

 

Hey, maybe try martial arts? It goes well with lifting and you get to know many people with simmilar intrests. Seriously,they're nearly always very positive people and will welcome you with a smile.

 

Hey Loserinfact, Lots of stuff going on here and a lot of potential. First things first it is obvious that you are extremely hard on your self just look at your user name it does not speak of a person who strongly believes in himself. The first advice that I would give is do not be so hard on your self, you are only a human and as humans we all do the best that we can. You have been through a lot, losing a parent at an early age can have huge effects that last for a lifetime. Have you ever spoken to someone about that? It may hold a stronger place in your mind that you realize.

Second, you sound like you are in the prison of your mind. Do you have an intuitions about where to go next? What does your gut say? Perhaps start small accomplish the things that are easiest and build some momentum. Get a drivers license? Join a group (in the real world) where you can make some new friends that are interested in the same things as you.

Third, use the skill sets you already own to conquer new areas of your life. You are good at games is it possible to turn socializing into a game? You seem to be good at making connections with people online, what can you take from that which you can use in a real world setting?

Lastly, How much do you read? Reading/learning opens new doors and new ways of thinking. What you are going through is not new and there are a lot of books devoted to the subject, go pick some up and read them find what rings true for you and begin to build your belief system. Some have mentioned the Bible which is great, but mix in some secular books, books about meeting people and maybe even study some pick up material.

I hope this helps a bit, know that it is never too late to get started on a great life. Follow that inner voice, that gut feeling about how to dig your self out of this rut. Best of luck and keep us posted

 

I still remember 3 years ago: I was diagnosed with depression, I did nothing all day but surf the web, watch let's plays in youtube and anime, I never went out of my house since I stopped a semester from my university. 3 years later, I am in my last semester of university, I have a lot of new friends and some true close friends, I have a lot of new hobbies and interests like personal development and martial arts and rekindled old ones like basketball and calisthenics, I have a family the loves me for who I am and supports me, and I have a currently good community and church and have rekindled my relationship with God. I am also consulting my psychiatrist regularly. I used to think the phrases "it gets better" and " this too shall pass" was BS and that this ugly phase of my life will never end, but it did, and it's only going to get better and the best hasn't even come yet. It will get better for you, but it won't get better just sitting around and moping. You have to believe in yourself first or at least find someone to believe in you and support you. You have to take responsibility for your life and give up complaining and blaming someone or something else. I recommend you read The Success Principles by Jack Canfield and other good self-help and inspirational books and you will realize that you are the architect of your life, and some people who were worse off than you made their lives meaningful and successful.

 

He'd up, you can always be 37 like me in the same hollowness!Great info you have here.

 

I have heard about that concept. Can you explain more? Is it really all it takes and it is to start dreaming again?

 

I am in the same boat, hed great friends, husband and and a house.Now I have nothing and am completely alone. Me and 4 walls and work, not even my walls. I can not come out of the shelf enslaving me. Gave up trying to create my life as I feel doomed . I would love to be your friend too.

 

It's different for everyone, but one thing I've learned is that to have friends I have to be a friend. Just start talking to people and see how they react. Be helpful. Say hello. Try not to be too selective. Some of the best friends I have are people who I didn't think I would get along with at first. Maybe they aren't as smart or as muscular as you are. It sounds like you are very able, especially when you're focused, and other people will be able to learn from that, but you will be able to learn from them, too. You might start contacting the people you used to play with and just ask how they're doing. They probably still like you, even if your lives have taken different paths. It will give you a little confidence to hear from them, even if you're not proud of your situation. Being humble is part of what you're learning in your life right now, and it's important to remember later on. You are going to be successful and there will be people in the same situation that you're in right now. You'll be able to relate to them in ways that other people can't.

Like someone else said here, you will be surprised to find out how many people are willing to be friends, even if you're not very successful yet! There are literally thousands of people here on NoFap that have struggled with similar issues. I'm sure there are things that you could do differently that would help, but don't blame yourself for all of this. There is massive underemployment for young males all over the world right now. We used to be able to go out and get jobs doing labor or manufacturing pretty easily, but things have changed and there are new obstacles to employment.

I've sometimes wished there were some place where guys could go alone to meet people. There is literally almost no social place that you can show up to by yourself and feel like it's ok. I guess that's just the world we live in. Or maybe we're just way too cautious and looking at a screen is so much easier.

If you believe in God, you can pray for people to come into your life that will help you socially, or with employment, or really with anything. I have done that before and it works. If you don't believe, maybe you can meditate and invite those people into your life.