The lonely wife of PA spouse

Hi.
It does get worse before it gets better.
That's the unfortunate side.
However, I do know from experience that doing workshops together, as well as separate is beneficial.
If I may also recommend therapy... For some, I do know that helps.
Explore this site, as you are among friends here and see if you can find some peace.
PIED is difficult to deal with, all on its own.... It's its own special breed of horror, as I personally know. It can make you feel completely devastated.
Remember, anger is always the second emotion, so try and listen to your heart as to what you are feeling under the anger and deal with those emotions.
I know it's tough, the daily roller-coaster ride.
The truth is, if he wants to stop, he can.
Plenty of men and women here do.
It's all about ambition and whether or not he's got it.
Then being armed with the mental toolbelt to get the job done.
Alot of people, also, in the same respect, don't want to heal.... You don't have to be dragged down at the same time.
Regardless, I hope you are feeling better today.

 

For me, I knew the answers and yes.
Yes they did matter.
And I was Furious.
Honestly... Just assume it's all a yes.
Then take a deep breath..... And try to get over it. (easier said than done, I know, I know)
If he's starting the Reboot... Then your new life starts now.
And it's time to get your mental toolbelt together and get ready for the journey into the new world together
A P-Free life

 

Hi @Eve26, I'm glad he has taken steps to try to get better. It definitely is a long process to recover from addiction bit i believe it is lossible if the addict is ready and gets the support and treatment to manage the disease. If he is doing all this work, what made yoi throw him out? Did he relapse? Did you see,something?
Let me tell you, by experience, my ex did the same things when i found out, begged, pleaded for a chance, we started addiction therapist for him but umfortanately she turned out to be crazy! He relapsed but im sure he wouldve rehardless of if she was or not, we then started couples counselibg where the first few visits, after his relapse, would be him saying he would do anything and everuthing to get better, even start a treatment program, time passed and he didn't find one and became once again complacent and passive aggressive so ofcourse, what happens? Relapse, then he decides to agree to joining saa and was going 2x a week, then he would start to miss meetings and make excuses. Most addicts appease to buy time and then make excuses as to why they will not be going through with what they promised. They are cunning. When you bust them they know there is no where to run so they "pacify" by telling you what you want to hear. The problem is the addiction is still there sitting, waiting for when they are weak and alone and throws them right back to the lying.
If it were not for the software I pit on his,device I would be in the total sark, I however knew something didn't feel right, and I was right, he continued to lie,and try to cover up until I could,shoe and tell him the proof, by then there is no more excuses to make. So, his giibg to saa group meetings, couples tgerapy, even church! were fake and appeasing tactics but eventually the addi t in him showed itself again and he could not continue the facade be sure if always be ahead of him, only due to that software!
So this is not to say that maybe your guy really does,want to get better,and just needs more professional support of treatment or maybe he hasn't hit his bottom, but you need to ask yourself this, as I did after what happened to me. Do I want to live this way? Constantly suspicious, not trusting him, not being able to go places because he may be fantasizing about the waitress, bartender, etc? Feeling unattractive, like an object to be used? Can I rely on him? Will he flee at any moment for another object of desire? Will I get a disease? Can i ever respect or be attracted to him again knowing he is turned on by the things he watches in porn? I have a child, not by him, so I also fear that you will be exposing your child not only to that negativity but the stresses you are going through trying to understand all this and im sure makes you emotionally stunted for your child, I found myself not being mentally available because of this mind fu*k that my ex put me through. Since we broke up, as hard as it was the first few days, my God, what a relief I feel and I feel that God was looking out for me and thankfully it ended up this,way, i feel freed from chains! Literally. I spent almost 2 years with this person, over a year of it trying to get him I to recovery. I'm not going to waste any more of my time, youth, energy and love on a person that only loves himself and his drug. I deserve more, my son deserves more and you know what? So do you and your child!
My advice is if this is ongoing cycle, get out as fast as you can so you can rebuild your life. If you feel you have put in more then enough time, energy, effort to help him and he isn't helping himself, jump ship to save you and your kid!!!

 

Truly the hard reboot. 90 days abstinence and have him work on his issues No Relapses. Have him show u he's Really working on it.
On top of FANOS and whatever other workshops you are implementing.
Me and my SO do LOTS of things to work on our relationship.
I talk about it in my journal A New Hope.
We Have a Boundaries List and he wrote me a promise list and he reads a relationship/trust building article a day. On Friday he takes what he's read and over the weekend he has to choose his favorite things from the articles and try them out. He started these things over his hardmode.

 

I liked taking a break too.
The hardmode I think gives partners some time and trust (at least a little bit, if can) because you can see some progress. (depending on partnership)
It's rough.
I know that after a 16-17 year addiction, my SO is doing all kinds of stuff (Finally!) after his last relapse because I was actually leaving, like I got a bag and he wrapped himself around my feet and begged me to stay so I said Fix it.
So he's pretty gung-ho.
He did a hardmode because I was completely grossed out with the idea of touch and he respected me.
I think we all go through it, at some point.
We have to grieve and heal.
It takes time. It's not a linear process.
They have to respect that if we stay.
My SO said once...." It's his horror movie, I'm just the escaped victim at the end and he was sorry. "
One of the best things he's ever said about his addiction.

 

It varies.
My SO was scared too.
He had never gone longer than 5 days without Oing.
I told him that I didn't care.
It was time to make a choice and a change.
But he relapsed after a year.
The first year we did a soft reboot.
Personally?
If I could go back in time.... I would have started the way we are doing it now.
I feel like he's Much more successful this time around.
To each their own.
As long as you feel like he's making progress, truth is, he probably is.
I don't know you or your guy personally.
If you feel more needs to be done, then it probably does.
That's why people reach out to others here.
This place is great at being a helpful resource for each other.
At the same time, I worry about the comment "release"
Sounds like he could be using you as a masterbatory aid.
Which isn't helpful to healing either.
Just my opinion.
I don't know if you have heard this term or know about it.
Are you being intimate in other areas of your relationship?

 

It's the "monkey see monkey do"
If it's in P and it gets the goat (so to speak) he thinks it gets people IRL. this can be annoying. P is set up for a audience. It's camera and lighting and other stuff. It's degrading.
Don't get me wrong, I like my butt slapped occasionally, but it's not like it's foreplay.
I have heard lots of stories about this too. The exhausting retraining of "how could you think I like that? & don't you remember?" it's simple... Watching over and over the lines blur.... Between the screen and what is at home.
Rebooting is time to straighten it out.
Intimacy and doing things to increase it helps. Not just physical intimacy, but intellectual and emotional too.

 

You are under no obligation to have sex. There are plenty of ways to work on trust and intimacy that don't involve sex. Neither of you are healing if you are not feeling connected in any way. Sex can sometimes be a reset button, but when there is so much damage then sex makes the problem worse.

 

And sex isn't always about finishing, either.
Me and my SO do tantric and karezza (which alot of the couples here like)
Because it's more about intimacy and bonding than the finish line.
Maybe look into those?