The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 4 completed

 

Day 245 no PMO.

 

Day 0... Nazgul

I’ve talked a lot in therapy today about this abdication. And somehow I just felt so much weaker after it and then I've just PMO again after that.

That is just sad. He talked to me about how porn is kind of a small part of my abdication, and how it could easily have been drugs, gambling, videogames or any other addiction. They all work in the same way and in all of them the actual thing we do is just a symptom. The real challenge is finding the bigger problem underneath it all and find a way to fix our lives to the point that we don’t feel the same craving because we also feel that void in our lives.

And I don’t know. It just made me sad. Sometimes this fight just makes me feel so weak and inadequate. Today one of my friends send me a picture of his new born baby girl that was born yesterday. And another friend send a message about a paper he wrote that got accepted to some science magazine and a third friend just got a promotion.

Meanwhile I’m sitting here and trying to pretend I’m happy about a truly shitty job I got into. And I need to be happy because I was unemployed for two years and in a bad case of depression for most of the time in the past 5 years.

I am grateful, but I just feel live I’m behind in life itself and that this fucking addiction is just one obstacle that I just can’t win against. And the promise land is right behind this thing.

 

I’m sorry to hear that man. Although, I don’t think you learned nothing from this. It sounds like you still have a lot of baggage / emotional trauma from this previous relationship.

I’ve noticed a lot of guys (and girls probably, we’re anonymous, who knows) on here talk about the external factors that lead to them PMO’ing. Oh, I watched a triggering movie. Oh, I didn’t do my cold shower or daily exercise. I think all those things are valid and good at helping with cravings. But at some point you need to look at what is internally driving you towards PMO other than simple lust. We’re all here because PMO causes problems in our lives, but we still go back to it. Why? What beyond the common nature of addiction? What is it doing for you emotionally in that moment? You say that you need to keep moving forward and not dwell on the negative emotions. I know it’s terrifying, but maybe doing the opposite would help you move forward. The next time you feel shitty about the relationship, just try to sit and observe your feelings without judgement. Just notice them.

Im not your therapist, take this with heaps of salt. But I think it’s worth reflecting on.

 

Day 3. I relapsed and Md. I have thought hard about what it is I want my life to look like in the next 7 months and another 90-day rest is something that I would like to accomplish. I will push forward no matter what to achieve this as my life depends on it. With the support of all of you, I will be able to accomplish this. Let's do this!

I am trying to update my ticker but it appears to have trouble changing

 

Day 5 - Orc

Well, yesterday was a rollercoaster. The morning was fine, went to church, had lunch with people, all chill. I started playing Metroid Dread in the afternoon (it’s super good, please buy it, I need Nintendo to make more of them lol). About 4 pm I started feeling really guilty out of nowhere. I had set aside this afternoon for gaming, I didn’t have any other commitments or responsibilities, why would I feel guilty about playing this game? It was really f*cking with my head, and I strongly wanted to MO, so I decided to get out of the house. Went for a walk, did some breathing exercises, was trying to calm myself down, but the guilt was still there.

Finally, I wondered if this guilt was a resurgence of the shame I felt as a teenager about PMO and my body. I used to be really hard on myself back then for this kinda stuff. Like OCD level, pinching, slapping myself, low self esteem. In therapy, I’ve learned that in order to move past a trauma, you will need to bring up the old, suppressed emotions (in a safe environment) and just feel them rather than stuff them down. Feel them until they pass on. So I sat on a bench on an isolated walking path and cried without tears for a while, just feeling the full brunt of the shame and guilt. From what I understand of trauma, the emotions you suppress retain the age you were when you initially felt them. So I was experiencing all the shame and guilt of a hormonal teenager again. It was intense, and not really pleasant. But it also felt really cathartic at the same time. I had some smaller urges later that evening, but nothing like the guilt bomb in the afternoon.

Still going, we’ll see what my mind and body throw at me today lol. Hope you all have a good day. Peace and love, God bless.

 

day 1
All right , i create a little cycle , time to beat it and reach more days

 

83 days – You enter the Dead Marshes, a swampland.

“Dreary and wearisome. Cold, clammy winter still held sway in this forsaken country. The only green was the scum of livid weed on the dark greasy surfaces of the sullen waters. Dead grasses and rotting reeds loomed up in the mists like ragged shadows of long forgotten summers.”

The lights of the fallen fapstronauts seduce many into oblivion. You stare at the water.

I will not fall and answer the call of relapse, I'm still on track, stronger than ever

 

Day 8 on my path of the reboot.

 

Real life keeps increasing the pressure on me. I think that is partly a good thing. But I also feel sometimes as if it's not possible to do everything at once in due time. But ok, this is how millions of others feel as well, whatever they do, in our modern times.

Maybe this is the right time for me to stop trying to optimize myself on so many levels. For example sugar: yes it would be nice to reduce or quit it, good for my health and all, but can it really be a priority right now? No. Of course, if I manage to be much more mindful during my day, it is possible to eat healthier and this can have a good effect on my whole system.
But on the other hand I don't want to think about these things so much. I have to focus, period.

This is important right now:

1. recovery
I have no internet at home anymore. It doesn't guarantee abstinence (from p) but it changes the whole game on a very fundamental level. And porn is only the tip of the ice berg. Already I observe how I distract myself with old podcasts and music when at home. It is of course easier to entertain oneself a bit instead of doing get myself ot real work and new ways of behavior matter, in the silence of my one-person household.
HOWEVER, that I observe this easily shows ALREADY how things are about to change. I'm not loosing myself in the depth of the internet anymore. This is good!!
About MO: I don't know really what to say about this. I think it is possible for me to abstain from it as well and it would be good for me, for my recovery and to define my sexuality new. At the moment I don't have women in my life (aside from friends and family) and I say to myself that I don't need them at the time being. But sexuality is not just going away. I'm not a monk in monastery and in fact I'm pmo'ing, mo'ing and having sexual dreams all the time. Even in a long streak the craving for sex, intimacy and relationship(s) with women won't go away (maybe temporarily during flatline) ...
Whatever! I'll try to abstain from MO too. But I have no bullet-proof system here. Only if I could change my thinking (like "I rather die than MO") it would be guaranteed that I don't succumb to it again ...

2. the real world challenges!

3. Mindset, mindfulness ...
This is still very important. As I described above, it matters what I do at home and of course everywhere at every time it matters how I see thinks, how I do things ... needless to even talk about it.
So keep doing the good things that already work. And quit others ...

4. Yoga, exercise, cold water exposure
Even with little time this stays important. It defines my mood and energy, it helps me to have better heatlh and prevents back pain, illness and so on.

 

Day 4

It's not really so much time that I spend on the forum these days but it is still a priority and it's often the first thing for me to do when I go online. Why not start with the to-do-list? I decided to go alone for some miles and come back in about 26 days. I want things get done and too much reflection will only keep me where I am now, I fear.

So see you soon, guys! I'll do my best to really and properly recover and keep my streak.

 

day 11

 

Day 0

 

Day 3

 

Day 1!

 

Being normal
Most of my life I wasn't able to hang around people. I prefered being in the library reading, running in the mountains or doing meditation at home.

The world, people used to make me unbalanced. Now I find I can have a sharp mind and be calm among the city life. It was something I wasn't able to do.

Now I look like a normal person, but spiritual on the inside.

I have to say quality women, having healthy sex and a long quality semen retention streak have opened my eyes to the world to see the beauty and perfection around me.

Conclusion: understand the purity of sex and you will understand yourself better.

 

Checking in, Day 41

Still movin' along. One day at a time. For the past 40 days, I've chosen not to look at porn or masturbate, and I am grateful to myself and to God for that.

What I've been reflecting on recently is my responsibility for my own life. Pretty much everything that's getting me down at the moment is my own fault. I can do things differently. I have proven that. I'm going to commit today to good decisions and a good attitude. Kind of vague, but I'm just getting some thoughts out there.