The Lord of the Rings Challenge

469 days

 

Thanks @RiseToGreatness this helped me survive the initial onslaught of urges due to fishing last week, but with work being really not good recently (worst in decades), I relapsed again today.
I initially faltered earlier today after looking at some gifs, started writing here, but the urges came screaming back telling me that once I get back on the horse I won't have a chance to act out again - so I ended up looking at more P today than I had in the previous 10 years put together. This is the problem, I go 3 months with no PMO and then have a blow out, and each blow out gets incrementally worse bit by bit every 3 months. Right now I need to manage the immediate future, because my mind is now full of shit that it hadn't seen in 10 years, but I also have to look at what to do with the 2-3 month cycle, because that is when I typically fall and act out again. I need to stick to my decisions and somehow consistently remember that the poison of all poisons is Fishing. I should have reset as soon as I started fishing and got back on the horse, but I convinced myself that I was not that bad as I had never binged etc..., and I avoided the reality of where I was headed, today proved that that was a load or horseS**t.

Here are the next steps with the help of FF

• Respond to this setback with repentance, not just regret
• Repentance = accept my brokeness, confess, decision to change (a decision that I will continue for the rest of my life)
• I commit to living in reality - I will be sincere
• This relapse is an opportunity to be honest with myself God and this forum on where I am in my recovery
  • I had secretly harboured the belief that it is not possible to maintain connection to the wounds of reality without acting out now and again - that is very wrong
• If the ultimate goal is simply not to relapse, then the temptation to deceive myself is strong
• If the goal is living in reality on the way to freedom then I can see this confession as a step forward again on the path to recovery
• Living in reality is a must for freedom

This is a SLIP - Short Lapse in Progress
I am not back at square one - progress has been made in this past 3 months. Not least of which was the realisation that I don't need to O when there are strong urges, because no matter how intense they are, they will pass

I need a plan (with help from FF):

• confess to Our Lord
• confess to accountability
• "you are only as sick as your secrets"
• True confession is a commitment to reveal all those places I have worked so hard to hide
• Living in reality has to become a bigger goal than being comfortable
• trust in God's grace and move forward - romans 8:1
• "One thing I do is forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead I press on toward the goal"
• Don't Binge Unfortunately I did Binge tonight and now the urges and neural pathways that trigger them are more ingrained, so the battle is going to be hard
• A relapse does not stop the healing process, but it does have consequences
• Learn from the relapse - more on this tomorrow

I will be a frequent poster to this forum again now, that is for sure

 

Thank you for the quote in your signature

 

First and foremost you are are a true companion to us on this journey man. None of us are truly wise, otherwise we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with, but your constant posts and this forum (that you set up) are a great great support. Really edifying to see that you have the humility to post the above here and open up to us on where you are on your recovery. This honesty is so helpful, human and brings home what an honour it is to travel with you on this journey. Thanks again @RiseToGreatness !

 

Day 259

 

Thank you for yours as well! I reviewed the chapter of 1 Corinthians 10 and it is needed conviction... and hopeful. God always provides a way out

I notice for me, the pull of temptation is weaker when I sit in silence for 5-10 minutes. It's a great mid-day reboot or reboot at any time of day.

 

Yesterday I relapsed again. And there's not much to talk about it, just bad discipline. It was an exausting day, I went to bed early and slept quicly, but I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and couldn't get to sleep. My mind wandered exactly where it shoudn't, and, as I was tired as hell, there wasn't to much mental strengh to say "no" or to find something to distract myself. Anyways, I don't think it as a really bad relapse this time, as it was caused more by lack of attention than by those insane and overwhelming feelings. And also, I didn't feel that bad after that, I know I'll get up from this. I just have to take care, cuz I've been in this slump for too long.

 

Day 0.

I didn't fight today. I was bored in the afternoon so I found some pornographic gifs and then I jacked off. A few days ago when I was fiddling with some settings on my phone, I stumbled across the way to completely deactivate my porn blocker with a single tap. That's really undone me, but it underscores the unsustainability of using blockers. It's not enough to restrict my access to porn when the deepest part of my brain still wants porn. I have to not want it.

@RiseToGreatness Thank you for that video. It emphasized some of the things I've been reviewing the past couple weeks: techniques to process urges rather than simply ignoring them or attempting to force them down. Yeah, I relapsed. By my standard, over the past three days you could say I binged. Now I need to pull myself back up, or at the very least allow you guys to pull me back up. So please, help me. Pray for me. I'll keep fighting as long as I have to but I need all of you to fight with me.

St. Michael the Archangel, pray for us.

 

Day 10

 

36 days
This time I'll make it to the 90

 

Day 7 - Orc

Urges now and then, but managing so far

 

Although I am day 1 again, but this time. I am having that thought of nofap November. So I will build on that momentum.

 

I don't really know what to do anymore. I did nofap to cure my pied and I think I have at this point. It's hard to tell without a girlfriend. I guess I should try to find a girlfriend now, but I'm scared to do that. I have always been alone in life and only had very few, short and toxic engagements with women. They scare me a lot. I have been around some really evil girls. I think they were drawn to me because I was clearly very vulnerable. I get so nervous of them I can't even imagine going on a date!

 

I remember you! I was wondering what happened.

 

485 days high king
554 days semen retention

 

Water fast
7/7

Well it's done, I'll write probably in a couple of days the benefits of this when I see them more clearly.

Right now I feel with more energy, yesterday it was a bit more difficult it took an extra effort to do things.

Just a couple of hour left to finish. I'll start eating again with a watermelon and some hours later regular food.

 

Day 107 and 108

 

Day 0

My first NNN that I actually believe I can do it.

Life is scary. But I believe in myself.

 

Day 1 of No Nut November completed (I know I'm counting 31st October here too, but as November only has 30 days, why not add go the extra mile and add an extra day in?

 

Day 252 no PMO. All the ads for TikTok on the World Series got me curious so I searched the word TikTok on YouTube and saw some very triggering thumbnails. My advice… don’t do any search or download of TikTok. Anyway… I’m headed out of town tomorrow morning and I’ll be in a hotel again for three nights by myself. This has been a big problem for me in the past but last trip I went on was successful. Pray for me please.