The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 296 no PMO. Stress continues to build at work and I didn’t handle it very well today. I ate three huge meals today (I normally only eat 1 meal per day) and did a search on YouTube that was not that bad but certainly in the direction of bad things. Didn’t watch any of the videos but hate that I did the search even though I knew it was a bad idea. I guess I should be happy I’m still on this side of PMO but I’m slipping. This work stress should be resolved one way or another today. Sorry for the rambling. Have a great day everyone.

 

594 days semen retention

 

Day 5 - 3 days to Urak-Hai!

While I have gone on YouTube in occasion these last few days, it has been with a purpose (i.e, I am going to watch this YouTuber, and no binging videos). As such, I have had minimal triggers. I also have not watched much TV either. Just been listening to podcasts and audiobooks instead. I got up at 5AM this morning, poured myself coffee and now I am doing laundry. Life is going pretty well. I accomplished all of my goals yesterday and though it is only just before 6:30AM, I am on track to accomplish today's goals. I am done with classes for the semester (with the exception of finals). Stress is manageable so I am not triggered from that.

I realized that while my pornography use is in part tied to an addictive personality, I realized recently that my masturbatory behavior along with some of my viewing habits are related to OCD. MO has become an OCD ritual if you will, as I the "only" way to relieve the high anxiety generated by my thoughts is to masturbate. My therapist and I have debated whether I should be masturbating. He thinks it is okay to do in general, and I have struggled with that. However, if it is an OCD behavior, then it would be best to resist MO'ing for now as the best way to treat OCD is to ride the anxiety wave until it reaches the shore of relief. As such, I have had the desire to MO these last couple days, and I was able to ride the wave until it went away. I was up until 1:30AM two nights ago due to my refusal to MO to relax (not the only reason, my thoughts were racing, but I know that MO in the moment would have relaxed me, and then I would not have directly coped with the anxiety from the thoughts. So I played Yugioh instead and got through it.

I have a lot of Obsessive-Compulsive thoughts and actions around sexual fantasies, and pornography fills a role. That is, it distracts me from the darkest sexual fantasies that I find particularly disturbing, though then it feeds the addiction aspect which is not good. So all in all, I think my PMO/MO use is more driven by OCD than addiction, but addiction plays a role, and each reinforces the other.

Anyway, have a good day, all!
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Bro be careful with that, most of my recent relapses could be track down to that compulsive Youtube watching-always same scenario-first watching those „valuable & fun” content to which I am subscribed, but very quickly that escalates to either:
1)Waste of rest of the day, nothing but Youtube and some fact-checkin’
2)Progressive soft edge till relapse (sometimes in matter of 1-2 days but still it can be traced back)
3) both 1 & 2

Good luck with your fight!

 

Yeah bro, we are so often looking for love in the wrong places and without love there is a big hole in our heart which we try to fill with

to put and end to this search and emptiness we have to learn to love God( if you don't believe in God then it's all the world around you( including you), seen and unseen) unconditionally, always, without exceptions and you will discover a new blessed world of peace and joy around you!
p.s. Do the exercise of not letting love out of your heart as you go through the day, especially if you see something you don't like. Love people and nature despite whether you approve what is happening or not, accept what has already happen as God's will( or karma, destiny, fate), help those suffering and needy out of love in your heart and never let love go out of you heart by supplanting it with your own human reasoning telling you to put revenge, anger etc in stead of Love, for without it we are empty and sad-unhappy and lonely, but right, revengeful, angry and looking for selfish-gain only to find that it never satisfies us, for nothing can really replace love and take it's place in our hearts.

 

Come on brother! You are White Wizard in making! You can do it! I can see you already having 500+ clean days on your counter and receiving congratulations ! You can do it bro,I believe in you !

 

Brother, go to the church to confess you wrongdoings, go for the Holy Eucharist and pray 1(or more if it makes you feel better) Hail Mary-Rosary and 1(same as before ) psalm 51.

 

Day 5! I passed the first 3 days after a relapse successfully! Those are for me quite important as those first 3 days are setting up the rest of the habits!

 

Checking in day 17

 

Day 5!
I dindn't slept well, I slept at 10:00 PM, woke up at 12:30 AM and back to sleep at 4 or 4:30 AM. Alarms rangs at 5:00 AM. So I feel good at this hour of the day but for sure I will be tired after. I did exercese and ate healthy.

Keeping strongh and always thinking: Think in sex just while having sex.

 

Day 303

 

Day 20 - Heading into Bree not to be confused with the cheese of a different spelling. Felt some lust yesterday going out with friends and seeing lots of beautiful people but fortunately did not act out or hold those lustful thoughts.

 

Checking in - got attacked by a family member over chat last night out of the blue. Seems to happen around this time of year always. But these types of attacks/ arguments also seem to happen almost always on the fourth week of a reboot streak, from different people. So I reckon I must be giving out some fairly nasty withdrawl vibes to be attracting/ provoking that reaction in others. Not sure maybe I am acting more confident than is appropriate for my current condition or I am coming across as unsure of myself, or the lack of internal dopamine just stops me from being truly present for others, not sure. Anyway I notice that I usually either rise to it and feed it by attacking back, or I just get frustrated and depressed leading to some sort of fallout or relapse. This time I just apologised for anything I may have said and done, and have backed away. Have a pain in my chest all day long, but I am just leaving it be now, and concentrating on trying to be humble and not relapsing.

 

This is very true. I have gone through life mostly being "nice" and "friendly" but there is a lot of anger, sadness, loneliness etc. in my heart. I am really wanting to go on a quest to heal my mind and heart now so that I can understand love.

 

The only thing worth apologizing for is whatever we done and said out of desire to cause pain and suffering to others. Did you forgive them and let it go ? For it looks like the feelings of being offended-wronged by others have to be solved, and since you have forsaken the way of revenge you better accept the way of full forgiveness and unconditional love to restore your health. Just say it either aloud our in your mind with conviction-' I forgive all you done that offended me and I love you !'. That would be the beginning of inner peace instead of a smouldering desire for the satisfaction of revenge which feels like a pain in the chest. Let go of all hurt feelings, restore you love by letting go your suppressed anger.

 

Day 19

Been feeling quite stressed today, currently working on a sermon that I'm presenting to my Vicar tomorrow and I'm still hashing most of it out. It's often times like these when I'm full of angst and stress for what is to come that temptation sneaks into my mind, and my old PMO brain attempts to escape from this by relapsing.

On the plus side, had a lovely word of encouragement from a colleague and friend of mine that I've got to know over the past few months. It reminded me why I'm trying to be a better person by abstaining from PMO, so that really helped me fight through the afternoon! Looking forward to hitting another milestone tomorrow!

 

30 - Finally I am that Elf!

It has been a hard journey full of challenges but luckily made it-I dont recall having such streak since P „discovery”, but there is still far more steps ahead!

I’ve noticed that root cause of failing with my learning/projects seems to be at this point in excessive internet usage on phone (NoFap has value for sure but at this point I am on this site >35hr/week and not even talking about other useful or safe web content which I am consuming), so yeah adding side quest again & targeting 2h of mobile web daily.

—Side Quests—
Workout - Check
ColdShower - Check
HealthyDiet - Check
Learning - Fail
SideProject - Fail
Gratitude - Check
Meditation - Check
NoAlcohol - Check
NoYoutube - Check
PhoneLimit - Check

 

Day 2

Just checking in. Things are better mentally today. There is still much to do.

 

Day 132

 

Bro, remind yourself of your children. You once said that they are you're big reason why you're doing this. They deserve the good father that you are when your out of PMO. Also, you're a huge example of victory and inspire a lot of us. Remeber those trips you made alone this year in which the temptations were huge, but you overcame it! You can pass through that period of stress. Hold on tight to God's word in this moment: James 1!