day 3 hello Fellowship. no temptations here today for this Orc. I was having some thoughts while I was doing cardio on my cycle yesterday. not necessarily about PMO. I found myself skipping songs on my Spotify in which the men were praising the woman, wanting to be with her, etc. for example, Shape of You by Ed Sheeran. instead, I listened to the songs in which the women were wanting a man and the rap songs in which they display the usual braggadocio of being confident with women. mind you, I don't condone actually doing the sexual behaviors rappers talk about in their songs. I just find that it builds the ideology of not being a nice guy or just simping for girls. in a previous version of myself, I used to think a girl had to be pursued. I thought that you had to go out of your way to convince her you are the right guy for her. I used to think that being the shoulder she leans on and being there for her all the time would inspire romantic feelings within her. I could not have been more wrong. and that backfired on me. women are not angels. women are not to be put on pedestals. they are normal and flawed human beings, like we men are. because of this mindset and since I was PMOing in my early 20s, I never had any confidence with women. to tell a woman that I was attracted to her, or to indicate to her in any way that I find her sexually attractive was beyond me. all this backfired on me with a girl I fell too deeply and too quickly for back in college. it took me 5 damn years to get out of that depression. I have cried too many tears to make that mistake again. now when I relapsed and PMO'd on Saturday and Sunday, I felt myself craving sex and affection... like the *** I used to be. and I hated that feeling. I know this and so many other reasons to give up PMO and be fed up with it. why am I so weak of mind? I'm not saying I'm right in my way of thinking necessarily, you all are free to input your thoughts about that. but where else can I spew out what's brewing in my mind if not here, and not to you? I don't have anyone else. I hope you are all doing well, it's almost the weekend. God is with us.
Day 3 Today I decided to start speaking honestly to people. I have until now spent my life mostly saying the things that I think people want to hear most of the time. I have not communicated my honest feelings, thoughts, doubts, fears and reservations, especially when I feel hurt by people. My reaction until now has been to immediately hide away and run away from people when they hurt me, which in turn promotes resentment on the other person's part as they can't understand what they've done to hurt me. Yesterday a friend of mine got way too clingy and needy, really possessive and trying to hang onto me desperately. I felt sick and controlled and pressured by him. So today when he messaged me asking if I wanted to meet for lunch, my gut reaction was to ignore his message for a few hours. But eventually something clicked in me and I decided "fuck it" and I told him my honest feelings. I said I felt pressured by him yesterday, and that I feel as though he's looking at me for all the answers to his life, when in reality I can barely figure out how I'm supposed to live my own life, so I definitely don't have answers to give him for his life. I told him I don't want to meet up at the moment because I think he's looking for something that no person can give you - finding your own path, the person you are called to be. He hasn't replied to me yet, but I think what I said was truthful and honest and surprisingly generous and not self-righteous. I hope it goes down well with him, but I asked him to let me know what he thinks and I'm genuinely interested to hear his response. I'm realising that the reason I'm so lonely and have no real friends is because I'm a shit friend to others. And now I've started being a better friend to others - more reliable, more honest, more consistent, and it's making a huge difference. I'm realising you have to be a friend in order to find a friend. It's such a bloody cliche but as C.S. Lewis said it sometimes takes a platitude to cut through all our self-absorbed pretensions (paraphrasing). I have my final exam of my whole bachelor's degree tomorrow morning. Can't believe I made it this far but I am fucking grateful beyond end for having made it this far, and I am simultaneous terrified and excited about what will come after. Godspeed brethren, Godspeed to you all.
Day 132 Just typing that number made me feel strange; in my mind I can barely remember what it’s like to indulge in PMO, but on the other hand it seems like it was only yesterday. Urges are still prevalent, but today I noticed some moments that made me realise I’m becoming closer to the man I want to be. I’m not there yet, and it will take far more time until I am, but abstaining and working hard has made some huge differences.
Day 4, So I am coming to realize that this is truly a forever battle that requires constant vigilance. My partner caught COVID and is now quarantined with my parents and I have continued on with work. In this brief stint of isolation I feel all of the urges creeping up in me...it is quite fascinating. To think that there is so much that is outside of our conscious control (our programming) is both exciting and frightening. This all on the cusp of moving for a new job that will put my partner and I in a long distance relationship for at least 6 months. It is bizarre...how the primal urges trump the modern mind. Still holding strong tonight...was doing my fishing routine of looking up why porn is so bad to hopefully "accidentally" stumble upon some lewd photos. Thank you again to everyone for your support and for maintaining this community.
I was once a man, a King, in fact, but now I have fallen to the power of PMO. I have become a Nazgul, on Day 0. I've been spending way too much time at this stage on my journey in the past week. I thought I was doing well at handling urges but that may not be the case. What will help me is to cut them off at the very start, the instant the urge appears, no mercy. I've been allowing myself to take the first baby steps on the path to resetting with the excuse that I will be able to cut it off before it goes too far. ANY amount is too far. Having so many resets in such a short span of time (I think this is my third in a week) is cutting into my self-confidence. The motivation is still there but the strength is lacking. I want to be free; why can't I be free? A few guys here have been enjoying a lot of success and I'm happy for them, but scared I'll never get to that point. It feels like my brain is caught in a spider web; the more I struggle, the more hopeless and entangled I become. St. Raphael the Archangel, pray for us!
Day 32 comple I am still not feeling really tired, soon I will be able to conclude that it was the vitamin D. I was on the stage, in front of dozens of people, for the first time yesterday. I did ok. But now I feel great for accepting the challange, I feel free. Thank God for the opportunity
thank you brother - I give these great wishes back to you with a hug and a smile - I wish you all the best too!
Day 13. Middle urges yestarday, but manage them focusing in my work. I want to change my strategy, I want to make this strike the last one. I want to tell to somebody that I know about this addiction and go to a psicology, any suggestion about this?
