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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by RiseToGreatness, Sep 22, 2019.
Checking in day 275.
Hey everyone. Feel so bummed right now. I had an awesome streak of 210 days no PMO and a year porn free. Hard to believe looking back. This year I have relapsed a couple of times and feel like shit. Things are going really well for me right now. I just moved to a new city and got a great job. Despite this, I have felt kind of lonely and relapsed on porn. I am keeping my head up and taking a different approach. My plan is to do the following:
1) Write out how great my life could be without porn. Write out how horrible my life could be if I continue down the path of porn.
2) Go back to the office full time so I am not alone and board in my apartment with my personal laptop
3) Begin a 90-day no P/M reset.
4) Post on here every day to hold myself accountable
I feel hopeless at the moment. That I will never overcome this. I hate the feeling of watching porn. When I am searching. When I am watching. All the way to the end it feels disgusting and shameful. I have to overcome this for the sake of my future. In order to do so I must first acknowledge defeat. Onwards and upwards. I'm excited for the journey ahead.
I’m disappointed in myself. I spent the afternoon on a dating app again, chatting and flirting with different girls. It was a colossal waste of time and I was being entirely negligent, opening myself up to temptation and the potential to relapse.
If this happens again I’m going to reset my streak.
day 17 - No MO
day 1 - No P
Day 4- Tom Bombadil was a cool dude, kinda weird but I dig it. Working on memorizing the song he tried to teach me.
-August 15 2022-
Day 4 complete!
I toughed it out after a triggering dream last night. Contact with my AP and getting some exercise helped. Next thing to work on is my sleep schedule. I stayed up in the common area socializing much later than I had meant to. Doing my best to get in bed as fast as I can now.
St. Catherine of Siena, pray for us!
Last night I went to my first SA meeting. This feels more like rock bottom than every other thing I’ve done (including getting myself to the hospital over “too much masturbation).
At the same time this triggered a big and sad fight with my wife who just said that we were in this position two years ago and I’m still at the same place (and it’s true, other parts have improved but I’m still addicted like crazy). At some point she asked me what do I see as a win, and what are my real goals, so here they are.
By the end of this year I want to make it one month without PMO. By the end of next year I want to make it 3 months PMO free. And by the end of 2024 I want to be able to stay 6 months free of porn.
I feel like everything is on the line. But I have to give it everything I got. This is my ultimate goal for the next chapter of my life.
I saw people in that SA meeting that fought their addiction for 18 years in SE before breaking out. And I don’t want that. This must end now.
Had a good day overall, I've decided to give myself some relax time, when I'm not working, so I've spent most of the day reading a book,
Also I installed a app blocker, and I decided to block my browser for 1 month, my phone is my #1 device for relapsing
This app allows to define search keywords which will be blocked by the app blocker, so when I was testing these keywords, I was looking at some girls on the internet , but I wasn't aroused or anything, because I recently relapsed, but honestly I couldn't stopped for 15-20 mins. Then I decided to block the browser completely for 1 month.
What app do you use?
Day 30 no PMO. Night one of being away from my wife was a success. I went to dinner with a buddy and then we sat outside the hotel until late. Went to the room and stayed off the phone and went to sleep. It felt good to be in control. This morning I went for a walk to find coffee and now I’m sitting in a park doing my normal morning routine. You guys have a great day.
How was it?
Btw, was it in German and how is your German?
Once again resetting. Have been slacking off and due to sever holiday destinations failed to checkin regularly.
Day - 0, once more.
I may be slacking but im never ever giving up on this!
Hi, I've started to use AppBlock for Android.
Checking in Fellowship friends!
35 Days Free of PMO.
Some disturbed sleep again last night, 3 hour chunks both days between around 1 and 4..stress is elevated today and so is my irritability. Urges were stronger, I still didn't give in but I really need to sleep tonight..it messes up my entire plan. I may try to nap a bit later because I have an important meeting today..and I want to be on my best leg and as I feel right now, well.. not the best.
I'm also concerned because for the next 8 days I'll be on my own at home. I do have blockers in place, that are password protected, but, there is always a concern. I want to make sure I grow from those next 8 days and keep to the path..I know it will be challenging so I ask for your support my friends. I will redouble my studies of stoicism as well.
Apart from that, I won't be doing exposure today. Just reading meditation and work. Got a nice stretch and short workout in already, just to get the blood flowing.
35 days Moria, the greatest Dwarven Kingdom, is before you. With a beard and a axe, you´re a Dwarf now.
The meeting was horrible, but in a good way. I think. It’s kind of an extreme wake up call. We were 8 men, 3 of them didn’t speak any English but they still tried to do about half of the meeting in english. Even after a year in Berlin I still don’t know any German, but they were really nice about it. It started by explaining what SE is, and how is SE define addiction and “healty sexuallty” They asked me to introduce myself and told me some of their stories. And then we went over a little bit about the 12 steps program. After that people took turns sharing their experiences from the past days, and giving advice to each other (I understand about half of the stuff that happened there). It’s kind of terrifying. Prostitution is legal in germany and it sounds like they all had long history of adiction to that aswell. Also to sit in a room and hear a man talk about having “illegal porn” in his house and that he was afraid the police would find out. Hearing people tell me that it took them 15 years to quit porn and how they lost their wife, kids and job in that time period. I don't feel like I’m better than them. Just younger. I’m 30 years old, and in the 3 years of my reabot journey I never made it one month free of porn. And I am truly afraid.
Thank lot for your advice . I think I must focus one thing at a time instead of multitasking. After your advice , I remembered My old school teacher . He was a friendly teacher and he gave me lot of advices........Old memories are so sweet
Thanks brother .....
Day 16 – Touched by your bravery, the gentle Elves of Rivendell give you an elven cloak. The cloak has a hood and is fastened by a green brooch. It acts as camouflage when PMO units are around.
The usual & taking it slow today. I was wrong again. One attractive woman was there again at the gym...lol. Then more came because the new crowd started showing up.
And don't do it (You know what). Your not yourself when it happens. Just as Smeagol or you end up like him. Maybe similar to Bilbo Baggins. Fight!
Keep on Fellowship!