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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by RiseToGreatness, Sep 22, 2019.
It's not only porn that does that. I think it's also part of our nature.
Yes our nature is to be attracted to the opposite sex (if you are heterosexual) - it’s an evolutionary response. The same way we get hungry, respond to threats. There’s a hardwired system inside us to survive and reproduce.
the problem is that porn totally overwhelms and screws with those natural instincts. Our brains have not evolved to view so many different partners and such explicit images so quickly and easily. So it hijacks our responses.
same is with fatty, salty sugary foods…. We’re not evolved to eat that, so when we get those fries out McDonalds our brains go ‘dig in man, this is the bounty of a lifetime!!!’ Even though we can get it really easy.
And don’t take my word it, it’s in the ‘your brain on porn’ book and videos/lectures. Interesting stuff
Day 10 as a hobbit
and 6/60 of dopamine fasting
I think it was a good idea to just start my dopamine fasting and continuing to do it for the planned time frame of 60 days, even if I don't meet all the criteria on every day. Also it's a little miracle that I'm performing so well since the first day. But had I reset because some minor mistakes it would have totally destroyed the progess and flow of this, I'm sure.
Why miracle? Because most of the things that are part of my dopamine fasting I did before already. Actually I use a spreadsheet for these do's and dont's since long, but I couldn't get very far with most of it before I started this 60 day dopamine fasting. For example exercise: I had totally stopped doing it, but now I'm streaking with it and I prioritize it highly.
Actually today is the first day I failed to continue the streak but the reason is that I nearly had no time for it. Actually now I would have time, I could do it instead of writing here. But well, I decided to take my time for the forum.
It's difficult for me to refrain from the forum. Although I would like to go some days without it. It helps me with my recovery and all, but I think overusing it doesn't make me recover faster or safer but just takes away my time and focus. And I have similar problems with other things. I want to manage my time much differently than now.
The issue that made me log in a second time today is with cravings and the fear of pending relapse. I already made a post about that in my Journal and after writing it I had many good ideas. I think I'm close to overcome the said issue but I also feel still the danger. Right now I don't even feel the urges but I have the impression that it still is with me or that I simply discovered a weakness, an openess that might be exploited by pmo forces soon.
However, I also had this important insight, that overanalyzing it won't help me and that it's my duty to "go the steps" even if I'm not 100% commited all the time. What could really help me out here is postponing the "deed". Not pretending to be super commited and all that but saying to myself that I could give in to this or that craving LATER, in this way postponing it, until becoming strong enough or until the urge simply vanishes (this is a common technique).
Of course this is kind of double-think. I mean, my true wish IS not to relapse BUT to quit and I know already about the impossibility of consuming "just a little" and a little more self-talk should be enough to make it logically impossible for me, to want relapse any longer.
Yes, I know, that I need to win the next battle to win the whole war. (One battle alone isn't so big, but the problem is the mindset that let let you loose the battle at hand. One day you need to truely adapt a now-or-never all-or-nothing mindset or you'll simply loose so many battle that you never can win the war).
So actually logic and talking to myself should get me to the point where I have to say with certainty (not just pretending) that relapse is simply out of the question.
However, a craving is a craving. I prefer to be completely honest and admit: I'm tempted. I'm tempted to leave the path, just ignore reason and spend some useless hours chasing the dragon.
I don't even know if I'm talking about a past craving (kinda keeping it alive) or if this fucker really still haunts me .. now and still tomorrow. For sure I'm rather craving porn games these days than clips. And it's also clear that there will be days ahead where the condition won't be ideal, where relapse might come after some bad decisions in a dangerous setting.
But even if it's not the craving that made me ponder so much - the next tricky craving will come soon enough.
So I'm thinking: is this a general issue that I'm facing right now? Is this my challenge now, my stepping stone to the next level of my reboot?!?
Yes! This is the underlying truth. I'm suddenly in this limbo: I had urges and fantasied way too much, I felt somewhat the echo of it, I feel tempted to have a pmo session again, I want to solve this problem and continue my reboot, I'm trying to talk my way out of it, but I'm also wondering if I'm overstating things, if I construe a problem for myself and I actually don't want to deal with this shit, it stresses me out and I don't want to focus so much on my recovery - I have better things to do!
It's clear: it will appear as if acting out won't be so much worse than all the other things I waste my time with. But it WILL TURN OUT that I act out much longer, much heavier than anticipated and that I cross the line of pleasure, so that even during the pmo session, I'll get lost in some kind of numbed pain which will turn to true pain afterwards. I'll be quite surprised, quite disappointed BUT THE WORST OF ALL will be, that I won't have learned the lesson, didn't win the challenge.
I can't afford that. I don't say it will be my very last chance and that I've run out of chances and that there's not another approach that I can go. BUT this may be my ultimate chance. It may be decisive. In retrospective this could be either the initial of a series of fuck-ups or the the mentioned stepping stone in my recovery. This could mean either another lost decade or a breakthrough with stacking positive effects that lead to things that are so unforseeable, so unexpected now ... just utopia.
It could decide if I find the woman of my future life ...
I had to make a cut after last those strong sentences. I'm even shocked how it turned out. But glad that I came to such a point ... it's not shallow anymore but deep .. my words are failing me.
Unfortunately most of the time I have to make a lot of shallow words until somehow I get into the deep ... (it's like grace)
I fucked up my sleeping routine already. But I couldn't leave without another post. I have to come to a conclusion, finish this up.
First I wanted to say, that of course, relapses are a part of recovery. Relapses are ok and it is most imporant that we don't dwell on it and that we get ourselves together, not get from one relapse to the next.
But it's clear we also need progress in the recovery progress or else it would be endless. As for me, I need progress right now, I need to go on, stay on, get beyond my old limits.
Ok, back to my current situation. As I pointed out, this is a challenge. As tempted I may be and as difficult as it may get, I want to stay clean, I'm taking on this challenge!
This needs to be documented and I need to stay accountable.
But I don't need to count the days all the time and I should do breaks from the forum, stop coming every day. Also:
I need to be in control of my day, I need to set clear intentions and stay present in the process
I can't let other people take control of my time schedule
Make commitments and be mindful
ok, that's enough. I need to do shit for real.
Starting to have a hard time this evening. I just need to hold on, almost ready to start dating and I'll have a chance to spend time with some actual girls.
Day 5 complete!
Wow, this was the toughest it's been in a while. I went on a run to kill one urge, and texted two different friends to help me get through some others. I have to confess that I fished a bit, but turned away before I got to anything real. Deep breathing exercises helped me. Even while the urges were very intense, I had a very nice feeling of being in control. My head stayed sharp and clear and I was able to say no to the urges even while I still felt them.
St. Padre Pio, pray for us!
Day 20 checking in
stay strong people
13 days – The PMO forces were at your tail but you crossed the Ford of Bruinen, leaving them behind. The House of Elrond is in sight!
Good choice @Repression you can be proud of yourself
Day 15 no PMO. Handled my first day back in my normal routine well.
Feeling good/ok but I felt I lacked a bit sleep when I woke up.
Almost slipped again. I was casually looking in Amazon Japan for calendars and P images were around. I couldn't stay so I exited out. I hate that.
Again, I have to somehow clean it up my Amazon Japan account.
The PMO ring is still pulling me. I think I am able to handle it.
Question, there was Nazgul rank here?? Including Orc and Uruk-hai. Apparently, it used to be Day 30 as an Elf. It makes sense that you are a Nazgul at Day 0 since I said someone with a Nazgul rank signature for here. Like I said, in Day 2 from this streak, I didn't turn into an Nazgul after all
Doing my best every day.
Nothing else to report. Reading stuff here and I will hit the gym soon or later.
Already left Rivendell earlier with the Fellowship companion.
Keep on going Fellowship!
Check in day 11
Checking in Fellowship Friends!
94 Days Free of PMO.
Some anger arose this morning, moments of the past, people who did harm in one way or another. If I delve deeper, no external person can harm me unless I leave them to. Although difficult to practice, it is something that I'm trying to adopt.
Ruminating over anger, is in and of itself, poison at the root. If we externalize it onto another, we continue that bitter cycle. Best to just watch what arises, forgive the situation. Write out a letter that you will burn if you must, but don't get tangled in its web. Free yourself from its hold and seek to understand it. Not resist it. Likely that anger is also trying to tell you something, seek to see what that is and change what is in your capacity and never seek to change another. This would only feed your anger more, given we cannot control how others act and react, only what we do ourselves.
In a trolls´ cave, you found Orcrist, the Goblin-cleaver. An elven sword from Gondolin. It has a beautiful scabbard, jeweled hilt and runes which bear its name.
Day 435, feeling low in energy and will lately, I'll try to fix it with intermittent fasting and no sugar again. I think the problem here is dopamine addiction
Thanks for all your support guys.
Although, I was not regular in here previously, but was doing in interval of 2-3 days, it was for a valid reason, now, I am more damaged, my current journey is like a cliff, before I was on land, I was safe even when I fell, but this time, I fell when I was at edge of that cliff, I am in intense danger right now, life shaping exams are on the head, I have to change now. Therefore, I am taking an unwanting step, I need to leave this site guys, don't worry, I will come back within a month. I was analyzing my past victory in this war and found that I was avoiding myself to know on which streak I am, completely ignoring my progress, I ignored my struggle too, I was trying to act like a normal person's thinking. Now I am finding it logical and I think I need to repeat my past in order to remove this venom from my body, I will miss my supportive companions, but don't worry, I won't come back with the bad news, my next message in this challenge will definitely be my 30th day celebration, I promise, I pledge myself.
As it is my last message, to give a slight update, due to my current situation, I am thinking to withdraw my olympiad preparation and focus only on JEE and fill the damage as both are getting damaged and recovery is very slow. Thanks for supporting me guys. I will include this website in the blocker by tomorrow morning, wish you good luck in your worthy struggles.
2 days. Got laid off the other day. Taking a few days off before applying for jobs. Back on days. Managed to get an 8 hour sleep last night. Tomorrow I should be feeling awesome. Checked to see if I had reinstalled covenant eyes after last fall. I had not. Went to the p page. It never even phased me. I had no interest in the p. Saw an email later. Saw some pictures. Looked at them but was not interested. Had a moment the other day where I tried talking to God from my deepest self. I did. I found unimaginable peace. I found the place of peace and I can take myself back there. What a blessing. I am healing so much. There are things happening I can't describe. Memories and feelings about myself are being healed. I am coming to like myself. The me I hated was my thoughts about what my family thought about me. I thought they were better. It's not true. I am awesome. I had an awesome choir rehearsal last night. There were only a few of us. I could hear myself and was not lost in the choir. I have gotten so good. I am pleased. I am not gloating. I am just happy and kind of proud of myself. I have worked hard at my singing voice and it is nice to know it has paid off. I am not a loser like my family made me feel like. Praise God. Praise him for healing me and for my gift of music.