The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Check in day 19

 

Day 7 complete

Yesterday I had half a coffee in the morning, half a beer in the evening and went to sleep after midnight and now my head is aching, it's annoying. I am already horny, so I hope that todays date with my wife will be a good one.

 

Day 28 checking in

 

Made it to a week and did a reset with MO now pushing another attempt at 2 weeks. Back to the shire...

 

Day 39
Checking in.

 

Day 23 no PMO. I’m back at home now. The trip went fine and I feel good about pushing past the urges the first night. My plan to keep the phone out of the bed helped I think. The room was small and there wasn’t a lot of room in there so I was easily reminded not to PMO because the normal place to sit would have been on the bed.

 

Day 178
Another achievement is unlocked.

Today , carpenters finished creating my first new small room. It isn't have luxurious conditions but it is a cute small room. Now I can work without any distractions. I have been working and studying in kitchen , living room since when I was in grade 1. So that some times , I can' focus some hard problems due to distractions. Brother , These days , I am reading Cal Newport's Deep work book. It is explained about advantages of doing Deepwork. I think it is good for you.

 

Good weekend brothers

 

Checking in Fellowship Friends!

102 Days Free of PMO.

A day of rest for me, I need to prepare myself for the week ahead.

Stay Strong!

@Baki Hanma Thank you brother! And good book recommendation.

@Kairose Thank you brother ! Yes absolutely, autopilot is definitely a stage not to get to.

 

I'm not sure if I have mentioned it in this thread, but I had plans of relapsing in two weeks when I get my wlan back.
The tatic of postponing is actually quite ok. But I had lost my commitment and that backfired already.
So here I am again, on day 0 with a serious recommitment.
There is nothing new under the porn sun (and I already have a sun burn).

I'm an addict and I can't handle porn. For me "a little bit of porn" doesn't exist. I loose interest only when my dopamine is depleted.
I don't have a problem with the word "addict" by the way (at least here where I'm anynomous).
But I'm not a fan of the concept of powerlessness. It's good to get help and one needs spiritual ressources too. But I'm not out of control, I don't need to rely on any kind of group or higher power. I'm more for education, empowerement and using tools. Porn addiction is a special addiction, be careful when you compare it to substance abuse.
So when I say I'm an porn addict it means: I'm sure I can't handle it and it doesn't belong in my life any longer. I guess my brain willl never unlearn what porn is (its dopaminergic effect) but I can learn to abstain from it and handle urges. My reward system may crave porn and pmo but spiritually I don't need porn at all.

On a side note on education: can you imagine how different your life could have gone, if you would have gotten a decent education about what porn is and on the reward system? OH MY! ...


"Recovery is not about getting rid of it. Recovery is about having the thoughts and learning I don’t have to dwell or act on them."

 

7 Days
Sorry for not giving my updates. Too much job these days and I was not able to publish here. Low urges most of the time. I'm out from social networks and trying to keep my good habits, like just be in computer just for the things that I have to do and don't surf over internet helps a lot.

Today I didn't do exercise, I get up late but maybe I will work out later.
Keep strong my brothers.

 

Day 0 starting over. Ugh.

 

@RiseToGreatness - looking fwd to reading from you again. I've been away too long with moderate success but last night I relapsed and so I realise that yes we fall sometimes while on this forum, but it is inevitable we will fall, and fall much further, when we walk away from this forum. @Redemptionisrequired - you have done a great thing by giving our friend and all of us a helping hand.

 

Check in day 20

 

4 days. All is well. Watched a video of Dr. Trish Leigh that someone shared on here a few days ago. A few days ago. Just kept forgetting to add this into my check in. She said that we will do things better when off porn. It damages our brain. I have noticed that. My singing gets way better when I get a week or two behind me. When I was on my 42 day streak my singing voice was so much better. That is good motivation for me. Knowing I will much easier reach my full potential when I kick this habit. It makes sense. PMO overstimulates the brain and fries it. I am far more social too when I am getting good streaks. This is good. I have high hopes and I am finally starting to believe it is good to have high hopes.

 

End of day 8

I did receive some relief from my wife yesterday evening, but at night I had a dream with sex in it so I don't feel any easier this morning. I have a big desire to look for some sexy images on google. I will have to stay mindful this weekend.

 

Day 29 checking in.

On a 36 hour water fast to help me focus.
Stay strong everyone!!

 

Day 24 no PMO. Nothing much to report. All good.

 

Crash Analysis of Relapse:

• stopped checking in here at start of summer as I had made strong decisions to quit and move on with my life and felt like reading about others' relapses wasn't always helping

Forgetting priorities

• prioritised sport events & training hard over all else
• over confident and proud
• stopped doing any charity work
• work started to get v busy
• took a holiday - felt I deserved to act out and felt that was the only way to true relaxation - only way to recharge
• mini relapse but used will power only after and did not come back here

Anxiety

• An old wise friend of mine is returning to our village in the next few months after having been away for years and I am growing anxious at how little I've progressed (or how much I've regressed) since he's been gone
• mini relapse eroded my self confidence and made me question if my decisions are real
• work getting busier stress increases

Speeding up

• I decide to just put my head down and plough through it
• got accelerated - motor mouth
• worried that I was getting worse not better
• over exercised to compensate
• not able to relax

Ticked off

• started getting into arguments
• pushing training and work too hard at same time
• isolating and pushing others away

Exhaustion

• hit exhaustion on the Faster scale
• got sick for 3 wks but had to keep working
• admin fell off a cliff
  • untidy house
  • stopped tracking financials
• Signed up to a steaming service again to help "relax"
  • Triggered by scenes on some films (stopped using commonsensemedia)
• Chase after nocturnal emissions
  • Fishing (back of my mind told me I deserved it due to all I had been through - neglecting to notice that majority due to myself)
• Relapse then goto P
  • Back on track using willpower for 4 weeks
• Then relapsed again
  • stopped for 1 week
• relapsed again but this time keeping me up til 4am with an 8am appointment next day
  • stopped for 5 hours
  • utterly exhausted due to no sleep
• relapsed again and goto P again
• decided I need your help
• came back to this forum

So I humbly beg again for your prayers and help dear fellowship to defeat this 'evil that does not sleep'

 

Checking in Fellowship Friends!

103 Days Free of PMO.

Now begins the challenging week ahead, I will meet it head on and grow from whatever may arise.

For today I want to remind everyone to be careful, careful that they are not replacing one mindless dopamine chase for another. I.e replacing PMO with mindless amounts of video game binge or tv show binges. You are not giving your brain a break this way, nor are you facing the emotions that may arise.

Stay Strong!

@Paul S. As for the day coming that you will do something productive without pushing through, my friend I feel as you. I remember a few years back, prior to this mess, I was quite productive and capable. I have hope that it is just a matter of time, we need to keep pushing ourselves for it to come with ease. It gets better. Making our dopamine system thrive in the pursuit of a goal, not it's completion. This takes practice. Also, I would try to avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy "It's always like that" regarding the rain, perhaps working a new perspective may help. I know its not an easy ask, try your best brother.

@crazyhorse11 It's good to see you again brother! Sometimes, when we walk away it may be due to shame and I remind , and have been reminded, there is no shaming in the fellowship. We are here to support on another in our common struggle. As for your anxiety of your friend coming back, perhaps they feel the same? Anxiety will try to trick you and compare you to others. If you have progressed since your friend left, then that is a success. If you would of wished to progress more than that, write down an action plan. What could of been done better, what was done well and how to you intend to improve your initial plan. Set in check ins, to re-assess your progress. Lastly, remember that we overestimate how much we can do in a day and we underestimate how much we can do in a year.