Day 450. Today I start exercising again. Not to have a better body in apparency. But to be full of energy to do God's will. God gifted each one of us an amazing body and soul, we have to take care of ourselves.
For the past 24 days I had pretty much low urges as lust or sexual desires in itself were never my weakness , it was the inability to hold my ground when I was under stress . I often resorted to binge watch web series or resorted to fap when things become a bit rough(usually during my exam time ) but often when the problem is over I have found it difficult to recover from all the pmo I would do during the stressful period. In the next week I would probably face my first real test as I begin my mid term exams , but this time around I am going to face my problem head on and study for my exams from today so that I can get past through this tough situation . Often I never wanted to fap during this time ,but often subconsciously I would get a feeling that I would break if I don't fap. This is only a problem caused by my lack of preparation and that's exactly where I am going to crush my pmo urges by getting a solid preparation before the final moments of the examination. Day 24 Sometimes what's key to victory is to keep your calm when things feel uncertain and you start to doubt yourself.
0 days. No hard-core p though. Which is good. I was up until 5:30 am searching. Reminds me of school. This is how bad it was. In high school I would wait all week until the weekend so I could stay up all night to watch late night tv in hopes of seeing some softcore movies. I would stay up for hours and maybe see,on a good day like, 15 minutes worth. That's how desperate I was. The only softness in life that I knew. Sad. It is a tragedy. It is a tragedy but my life does not have to end as a tragedy. I have been healing so much. God is so good to me. My prayer life is really coming along. If I can get that in good order everything else will fall into place.
2 days I won't give up. I'm not only doing this for me but also to inspire and strengthen others. Also because they inspire me and I want to give something back. Just coming from a wedding, I'm a bit drunk. There was a beautiful woman at the party. Tomorrow cold shower to get her off my mind.
End of day 15 I don't feel attracted to my wife like I used to be. It's mostly physical attraction, but it is also not constant because I know that no matter what I do, she will not be attracted to me, at least nothing that I have already tried. In theory making her feel really loved should do the trick. I should try harder to make her feel loved. I think this is the only thing I should care in our relationship, but it is hard when she is supposed to be the only one I get sexual satisfaction from. But if I can stop PM for 15 days, that means I can focus on showing love to my wife when it comes to our relationship as well.
Weekly checkin: Lowest level on the Faster scale this week was Ticked Off (fantasy & gossip), mostly this weekend due to meeting old aquaintances. I fantasise about female friends (not single) because I am looking back for that surrogate mother rather than looking foward to autonomy. This means I am not free when I meet friends. I am like a slave, crippled by an unnatural desire (which I know is terribly destructive to not only our friendship but to their relationships and marriages). A lot of my childhood trauma comes from a broken marriage, so why am I looking to pass on this suffering? Is this pathetic desire really worth it? Of course not, but this is the double bind - addicted to the fleeting intimacy of lust vs destruction of others' (and my) happiness. What to do? Firstly resolve double bind by leaning into the pain rather than leaning into the pain-killing fantasy. The pain is from an intimacy disorder, in fact the pain is simply a growing pain which I try unsuccessfully to medicate with an intimacy disorder. I commit to you now reading this that I am going to lean into where the most immediate pain manifests itself and that is procrastination. I will do the menial tasks which have been hanging over me for ages in place of running away. This week: I checkin on FF every day I do a todo list I lean into the discomfort of the task at hand I practise BRACE when the urges or fantasies arise No bawdy talk with female colleagues No streaming or flicking channels No vanity - lean into reality
Day 36 checking in was at a friends birthday party last night and hung over today. Need to be careful as this would be classic PMO scenario for me in the past. Going to keep busy
Day 31 no PMO. Spent the day with family and friends so no urges at all for me. Today I volunteer at church and then hope to relax around the house. Should be a good day.
Thanks for all your support guys I will finally be free of life long struggle now If you want a lesson from me, you can check it Bye
Checking in Fellowship Friends! 110 Days Free of PMO. Good rest today, pushed through the fatigue/anxiety yesterday and successfully did what I set out to do and more, even felt better as I was doing it. Although on "staycation", I have some more plans today and intend to continue the same path today. I really want to make the days count and I want to be free of what ails me for good. "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality." -Seneca Stay Strong! @breaking-myths Think of the weeks you have gone through as the practice of your habit, now faced with adversity of @Anew2019 Try your best to really dive deep into what lead you to a relapse. Analyze and execute an action plan against it. Try your best not to binge. @Lone Skeleton Congrats on achieving a week! @metamorphosed Think of it as part of the process, you are now face to face with your emotions without numbing yourself. Just observe, emotions are never permanent. @daddyG1981 Do your best to follow the protocol that lead you thus far, if you need to step out of the house, do so. @Kairose Congratulations brother! Both on your achievement and deciding to workout once more. In my opinion it is so crucial to developing oneself.
Please be strong! Emotions come and go. No matter how dark it seems, soon it will be brighter. It always is. Life is wavy. And no matter how far we are, we care about you.
