Day 90. II. Kept my promise to exercise. Now. I am tempted to relapse. I am terribly sad. Because of various things. Life is sad sometimes. On top of that some grieving is surfacing. I miss my grandpa very much. My alcoholic father left family early, my mom worked instead of two, so wasn't around much. So my grandpa was there to teach me stuff. I loved him very much. I wish I showed him that more. I guess I get my will to fight from him. Also, God is leading me the right way. I believe that. Sometimes I am amazed how much sh*t we can go through. We are really amazingly made. People go through so much pain without breaking. I wish there was less pain in the world. But... Who would we really be without it? I won't go into more personal details. But what touches hardmodes, I accept the pain of abstinence. I was stupid enough to get into addiction, even though I felt it was wrong. So, I'll pay for my stupidity. With some sleepless nights, having to confront my emotions without running away, not having a sedative before or after stressful events, etc., etc. etc. Whatever it takes to become free! I have to take responsibility for my actions. I was stupid enough to get addicted, now it's time to pay for that. I accept that. Actions have consequences. I can't disappoint my grandpa. I will never give up! Let's just keep fighting! I have to win against addiction this time. Spoiler: Journey stuffs 90 days hardmode. No caffeine at all.
16 days – Touched by your bravery, the gentle Elves of Rivendell give you an elven cloak. The cloak has a hood and is fastened by a green brooch. It acts as camouflage when PMO units are around. Quest Item - Elven Cloak @Paul S. Your message is really touching bro.
7 days. My recent insight was, that essentially I have the control and I can decide if I watch porn or not. And actually, surprisingly, urges and withdrawal are not a problem for me. However, I have very bad habits and very long trained bad habits and I do things automatically, there are chains of behavioral acts and of course I'm not always in control during that - but that's actually pretty normal. It's how humans work. So what I want to say is this: I'm essentially in control and that's a damn good feeling and a beacon of hope. But that's not enough. On a side note: also with coffee: it was a surprise how easily I could stop drinking it. Without any symptom. Sugar: even one sugar-free day is a struggle. But it's just the habit formation. As soon as I break through it will get easy. I'm going to work on this. And meanwhile I should make sure that I don't "swing back" and binge. Computer, youtube, entertainment and so on and so on - this is in fact my big issue. I'm much more addicted to it than I am to porn. Recently I delayed any decision, which speaks for itself ... but now I've blocked youtube and other main sites where I squander my time. It means I need to get serious now. This is killing my time nullifying opportunities and messing up my schedule. It kills my creativity, my happiness ... f*ck! I think for me PMO is the smaller addiction inside the bigger one and the bigger one is fueling the smaller one (or both ways). Pretty messed up, I'm practically glued to my computer. It was worse when I had no job and in certain phases, but over the last two or three years I think it got worse until now. The good news is: I can change. It is only a bundle of habits. And I already changed a lot to the better. I admit, it feels as if I would be powerless. It feels as if I would be a victim to countless of different temptations, excuses, automatisms. A victim to loneliness and mind fog. As for loneliness: it bites really achy, but I lay the condition all myself. I realized it only during the last week! I can't change it from one day to another, but as soon as I change the conditions this will change. It is absolutely in my hands. So I'm my own prisoner and it has very little to do with society, my age or other things that I tell myself to feel miserable. I imagine my prison is made from a lot of jenga stones or the like that just stand like trees around me. I simply need to push everyone of them down (or at least all in one direction) and I will be free. My near future might not be with a partner, it might not be the dream life. But certainly it is possible to live a so much better life with more connection, a more "meaningful" life, if I only change the conditions, the habits. The good news is also that I don't have to get rid of all my bad habits first, but already making a start, going in the right direction will equal more connection, more meaning, more fulfillment.
Sounds exiting. I envy you What's a jupiter? I think it's good that you recognize your sadness and you recognize the risk. Maybe you could embrace this feeling - in a nice environment - and just feel it. It might turn into a feeling of inner peace. Or you could listen to some music that's sad and beautiful at the same time (or watch such a movie), it's a way to process sadness, but I would suggest not to dwell too long on it.
@Baki Hanma Thanks brother Today I reset for MO last night. I don't like to reset just for MO. But it was fantasizing porn-like and MO and I know I can live without it. Sometimes my body tells me, that it would need this relieve. But it's not true. I will abstain from porn and masturbation with preparation, daily reminders, kindness and a strong conviction/commitment. I will work on my "structures" to make a long streak possible. I used to say "embrace the pain". But actually there is not much pain. Certain exertions, yes. It can be difficult. But I'm not dealing with an addiction that causes severe pain (like from hard drugs). I'm lucky.
Thank you so much @PeaceOnEarth108 @Baki Hanma @Paul S ! That community really helps, makes the difference compared to my previous attempts. @Paul S. congrats on your 90 days! Your message is really good, we can feel that you really have control on your emotions, and that's awesome. Day 52. Going well, I'm working more intensively on a side hustle. Planning to really dive into this in the next few weeks, I want to accelerate progress on that front. Based on previous NF attempts I know that in those moments I can think "well I need 100% of my brain for work, I cannot be distracted by horniness, let's M without P". You all know the story, if we do this we end up using P. So I won't do it, and pay the price of horniness. I also rejected a girl last week end at a party, because this NF streak is sacred, and a random hookup is not worth taking the risk of a strong chaser effect. I have a goal to at least finish the first 90 days before having sex again. This may seem a bit extreme, but I really feel like taking NF lightly doesn't do it for me ; I've tried it, ended up going back to P and wasting time. So now I'm taking it seriously. It actually helps when you know you don't consider bargaining with NF as an option. I'm also starting a new hobby tomorrow, one that is taking me outside of my comfort zone. Feeling anxious. But the good kind!
// Day 2 I finally reached Massachusetts from California and am now looking for a place to rent while I stay in an Air BnB
Day 60! @PeaceOnEarth108 Thanks brother! I changed my thinking pattern from past 2 weeks. It is Not overthinking only doing the work!. Every time i remind it to myself when i'm starting to work so that Now I'm not busy anymore because I don't overly think at work every time i chill and stay in the present. That's a great thinking pattern I learn't from my friend. good luck everyone .
// Day 3 – PMO forces have spotted you!! With haste you use the Bucklebury Ferry to cross the Brandywine river.
19 days – Bree sends aid! Bill, a strong and kind pony, joins your quest by carrying rations and items. Quest Aid – Bill, the pony Day 19!
