The Lord of the Rings Challenge

"True love is supposed to be selfless" I really love this point. I too have been thinking deeply about this topic recently. I stumbled upon this interview with Steve O from Jackass, who is now 11 years sober.

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At 4:15 the interviewer asked him if he had advice for people to help themselves stay clean. Steve O's response surprised and intrigued me. He pointed out that overcoming addiction is not a self-help dynamic but rather a dynamic of helping others. He goes on to mention how the disease of addiction is about selfishness and self centeredness.

This got me thinking a lot about what my addiction means, where it is coming from, and how it is impacting the people I love most. It also helped me to understand why this forum has helped me to find the most success in recovery, after 5 on and off years of sporadic attempts.

 

Thursday check-in

This is an early check in, so I haven't gotten much done yet. I'm about to go to the gym and then run an errand that will take me all afternoon.

So far I've:
- meditated
- prayed
- got some good sleep last night. Still working on this.
- and last night I did more reading on Addiction and Recovery

In general I'm just trying to be more positive and mindful.

 

Day 13! Hobbiton is right around the corner.

 

day 3! i'm getting there

 

I think having a journal and a planner would help you with consistency.

 

Checking in on day 10!

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I am like this. I don't know if it will ever be possible with this level of confusion murking my vision.

I failed even when motivated by the one thing that should have sent me over the other side of this addiction. How would I be seen now? What do I look like when I walk over to a mirror that sees into one's very soul?

I relapsed. I relapsed with S.O. OCD. . . if I can even call it that. I didn't feel outright disgust after I finished, I barely felt any stress while in the act. I used to be straight, so who is to say I am not just making this up in my head for some fantasy world I am not allowed into? Who is to say I ever actually wanted what I think I do? Maybe they aren't doubts. Maybe it's a slap of reality. I feel dead. I want to cry but I barely feel emotion.

It only took 8 days, a high libido, and one fucking Belle Delphine image to set me off the spiral. I want to just accept that I am 'straight', but whenever I say that to myself I lose part of my soul. Something feels horribly wrong. . . yet the attraction seems so real. . . no maybe it is real.

Why can't I just pick a side? The one I feel comfortable with is weaker in reaction. . . is it really just desensitization? Or is my lack of groinal response alluding to my denial? There is so much in my life that could be going amazing if I never had found porn and never met that special guy who is gone now.

What's the point if I will never really know what I am? How am I to choose when I get such mixed messages and feelings?

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I don't know why I am like this.

I am sorry Toby. I failed.

 

I fucking hate myself I am about to treat my body how it deserves to be treated

 

Day 21, this is when my feeble mind used to break down. Not anymore!

 

Day 3.

You can try to make a routine repeating one thing every day and when you are used to it, add another act. Waking up and going to bed at the same hour every day could help. Try to focus in less things, organize them and dedicate more time to them. And don´t give up if one day you can maintain your routine, there will be always something outside that could change our plans. You can do it!

You're having a hard time and your addiction knows it. It wants to be your only way out. But it asks you for much more than it gives you. Porn doesn't give you anything. Instead, each time it plunges you deeper into its abyss.

Very often the first encounter with porn is that of a naked body. Addiction starts small. Then you discover that there are also videos. But you need more, the first doses no longer work. So you look for the videos to: have more people, or be between two equals, or use instruments, or have strange behaviors. But the need continues to grow and the above is no longer enough. And every time you look for worse or new things to maintain the stimulation.

But it is not you, but the pornography that enslaves you (like Gollum, who replaces Smeagol). Don't let it dominate you and change you according to its wishes. Look and distinguish in you what is yours, from Smeagol, and what is Gollum, from the bad effects of pornography. Don´t let it win this battle.


Sts. Augustine of Hipo and Thomas Aquinas, intercede for us!

 

Day 28

Lads I am just so excited to make it to the 30 day milestone! I did suffer from bouts of temptation today, I’ve spent about 4 hours in Zoom meetings and nothing drains my energy more than staring at a screen for hours on end, so I wasn’t in the best headspace when they were finished with. I’ve found flirting with my girlfriend to be something of a hazard, I get the urge to MO if we get too intimate, but annoyingly it’s always out of excitement for the future!

If it hasn’t been clear from my previous posts, I’m a Christian, as is my girlfriend - we’ve both committed to abstaining before marriage, and our flirting is never sexual, but coming out of an addiction has made it difficult to separate PMO thoughts from thoughts about her. That being said, as each day passes I am managing to gradually tone down my flirting as I move away from PMO, I just pray that my will remains strong so I can ensure my relationship is growing healthier and more fulfilling for the both of us.

 

Day 14,

Ran 5.5 miles and still keeping active, starting class lecture right now. Keeping the momentum in the direction of school and personal/spiritual fitness. No real urges during this two week streak.

Thank you for the support! Keep on keepin' on Fellowship!

 

You CAN pick yourself up, Sinister. Whatever you're doing right now, stop, and get outside. Feel the air, do some burpees, stand in the rain--embrace being in this moment. You fell down today. Fine. Get back up. The ONLY way you lose is to quit trying. You're never defined by how many times you fall, only by how many times you get back up. If you hate your body right now, punish it through exercise and cold showers--do shit to it that makes it stronger, not that makes you weaker. You got this!
It sounds like you're really struggling with questions of sexual identity. I'm going to say right now that this is not the time for you to question yourself. You need a period of abstinence, away from porn and its warping effect on your mind, before you can honestly and truly look inward and find answers to these difficult questions. You also will find much more strength to be who you truly are. Remember that porn brings shame, depression, brain fog--none of which will help your self-inquiry. Focus on sobriety and abstinence, and once you've leveled out for a period, THEN start asking these hard questions.

 

@Mr. Sinister Hear this from @jaberwaki. Keep on moving forward. Persistence defeats resistance

 

Day 193

 

Day 154.

As addicts struggling to find a path away from the "drug" we must not strive just to live like "normal" people. The average person themselves (in the first world countries at least) are all addicted to something right now. Video games, TV shows, junk food, alcohol, Marijuana, etc. People are all addicted to these things. Being lost in these things to some extent is just the same as being lost in PMO. Desires and pleasures are controlling people all over, not just P addicts. The tips described in this challenge are actually good for everyone, not just P addicts.

We have to strive for a life beyond a "normal" one. A joyful life that isn't dependent on external material entertainment. The life that we must strive for is a life where we are absolutely not tied to any one desire.

Anything less than a human "transformation" is only going to bring you back to PMO.

This is what I believe and this is my goal. I truly believe this is why I am able to stay away from PMOing.

I wish all of you the best!

 

Catching myself fantasizing and redirecting my thoughts. Trying to catch those fantasy thoughts quicker.

 

Day 3 check in.

 

236 Days

 

I have no doubt I would have been cutting myself deeply in the leg today if I had a way to hide it. I began punching myself in the arm but stopped because they would see bruising if I kept trying.

I am in such a weird spot and I don't know how to fix it. Most of my life has been spent either in a delusion, burying emotions, or getting betrayed by friends and family. I was horribly abused verbally and moderately abused physically (280 pound 6'4 closed fisted punches on my back from my angry dad) and I only found peace with my grandma when she came to visit from 200 miles away. This continued till I was 16 (physical ended at 13 I think).

I usually feel like I am over it, but after relapse, it burns me in the form of self-hate for a brief one hour period.

My sexuality has been in a blunder for about 4 months now, prior to that I was burying my 'gayness', as I was Christian based on how my parents raised me. I am an atheistic satanist now, but the damage was already done. I had a girlfriend and luckily quarantine did the hard part for me of breaking off. Once I became atheist I was super happy. . . I could be gay now. There was one issue, I was dealing with a porn addiction that had already been going on that entire year and before. Only straight porn. By the time I accepted being gay I was so used to getting positive feedback from fapping to female figures that I didn't stop even after becoming gay again (a huge thorn in my HOCD brain).

At first, it wasn't that bad, nothing but an annoyance. But after a while, flashbacks to what my life was like as a straight man in hiding really got my anxiety pumping. It was a sudden 'oh shit' moment that really got me looking into what was wrong with me now, and I stumbled upon HOCD. I had been diagnosed with another OCD form 6 months prior and was placed in treatment over it. That OCD type was Intrusive Thought OCD. I would imagine blood in the water I drank and all over the walls and trees I walked by. I imagined bodies hanging off lamp posts and felt an undying sense of protective rage at the thought of my family being hurt (ironically I also had thoughts of killing them all) by anyone. I am past that now, luckily, and it is nothing but the occasional 'bruh' at this point.

Anyway, I am almost entirely sure when I get past my 1 hour hell period after a relapse that it is indeed OCD and not me being secretly bi or straight. It's either I am gay or I am choosing to be asexual, as I am never going to be willing to get with a girl. It really makes me sad and sorta depressed to think about.

I am a very high libido person as I mentioned before, so when I relapse it's a 'time to do it again every 10 minutes' kind of thing, luckily I only did it twice since I felt too distraught to do it again. I just curled up and wished I could stab my inner thigh and cover it up.

I am almost certain if I did get past this porn addiction it would only reduce my HOCD, not fix it. That is my concern, it's why I still relapse. I see lady parts everywhere on my games and on YT. I instantly look away in irate arousal. Again, it used to be anxiety instead. When I relapsed back then I cried over it. Now I just feel empty or a sick neutral feeling towards it, making me more scared that I am indeed into it but refuse to accept it. I don't even get a groinal response from guys I find super attractive (unless they are a femboy, I always had a soft spot for them as a gay).

I could go on, but all I want is to just be rid of this unwanted attraction to girls. A song by Oliver Tree is almost a mirror of what goes through my head daily.



I just want to be happy. Not horny.

Thank you for taking the time to write out that response, I am not going to hurt myself now.