...I know the feeling of that relief and it's no good. It sounds like a relief from commitment to keep yourself in light and on straight and narrow, which unfortunately 99.99 % of the time throws us into darkness of self-harm and indulgence in all the dark stuff it has kept us from. The thing that you relapsed only shows that you have set your life in the way that would earlier or later lead to relapse. We all have to restructure ant reorganize our life and activities in order to keep going strong and you should do the same, cos everyone can do this challenge if we but put our will to set our day to day life, thinking and activities in a relapseproof way. I urge you to reconsider and start with the end in mind.