Glad to hear you stuck through it brother, remember the fantasy and temptation is a liar and a thief!
Use those emotions to write out what happened my friend, you need to build a plan to outsmart your temptation demon.
Checking in fellowship friends! Free of porn 256 days, free of MO 184 days. It's been about 3 weeks since I stopped using guided meditations at night and kept my phone away from me. It's definitely been interesting. I had a few nights with disturbed sleep throughout and heightened anxiety. It seems that without the distraction of focusing on a guided meditation to fall asleep, I would ruminate during those nights. It's not the most awesome feeling, but its a necessary thing as I do not want to be dependant on my phone for sleep. Nor do I want to engage in blue light, when I wake up in the middle of the night, to set another guided meditation. Aside from that, the week was good. I had 1 bad day and 1 mild day. The rest were good, so I'm happy. It's not on easy journey, but we must keep moving forward. Step by step. Enjoy the weekend my friends!
After day 3 of noFap and other things, I had some amazing experiences, that I cannot even describe without sounding full of myself, so I'll just advise you to go on your way emperors and do your passions in truth
Checking in. This Orc skin is a lot scratchier than I remember, but at least I'm a solid creature now and not a ghostly nazghul. Yesterday was some of the most intense urges I can remember having, but I survived them. I kept my good habits up--wim hoff, cold shower, exercise, guitar, and had dinner with friends (no alcohol). Whenever an urge hit, I repeated the mantra "I am a man of integrity and drive, and I use my sexuality to improve myself, not diminish myself". Probably said that a thousand times yesterday! I also continually reminded myself that what I was feeling was not desire, it was pain. I have injured my brain, and these urges are a desperate attempt by my brain to make the pain stop. But my brain is like the child who refuses to let the doctor give him a shot yet demands a bandaid--I know that giving in to the urge only deepens the pain, and the only path to healing is to withstand the urges. By treating my addict brain for what it is--a sick patient that doesn't know what's best for him--I am able to both stay strong and empathetic. It worked well enough to get me through the day. Today I begin traveling for the week with much of my extended family. I'm so grateful for this timing, as being around them, and kids, and a house always full of people, will help me stay clean through the all-important first week. By then, my head should be screwed back on correctly and I'll just need to stay on top of my good habits and be mindful of my time on the internet. Be well everyone, Jaberwaki
Day 2. I’m trying to live the moment and that makes me feel better and to talk to my AP in moments of urges.
Damn it, a moment of utter stupidity resulting from anxiety caused me to ejaculate and return to Day 0, A Nazgul slew me as I was approaching the Ford of Bruinen
Haven't posted much, but I finally beat the binge after 1 about a week, I am now 1.5 days clean and an Orc again. Those nasty Nazgûl had me running and hiding for days, but now I am out. I intentionally skipped my sleeping pill last night so that I could face my thoughts in my insomnia. I put my phone away and my laptop was in the kitchen, so I was not tempted to PMO, and I just faced the things I was running from. I also played Nintendo Switch and 3DS last night to pass the time, and then I faced the darkness. While not sleeping can be very bad for recovery, it is also the time that my darkest fears present themselves, and I needed to face them, instead of running. Needless to say, I got up with about 4-5 hours of restless sleep feeling clearer than I have in days. I was able to have a candid conversation with my mom about some things I threw at her about my identity a couple weeks ago, and we got to talk. (I recently came out as gender fluid, and my mom was confused because I would tell her everything, but this is one thing I never disclosed despite dealing with it for years. I guess it had a lot to do with the fact that I was still sorting through my life and did not know if what I was feeling was my schizo-affective delusions or if it was my gender identity. She could understand that though, and in the end, we went for a walk with my dad.) I am drinking Starbucks to keep my mind going, but I feel like today will be a productive day. Best, Mathman1994
Thank's man. I did not want to get on the site today, but that would be too hypocritical. So here I am and I'm glad I did. "Doing one thing right." I'll definitely take that to heart. Unfortunately, that's not what happened. It just became one thing after another of bad choices. I now know I need to improve on my salvage game lol. If I mess up. Do one thing right! Don't make it worse. Thanks again.
