The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 0. Relapse to MO.

Well...that was quick. Man, I'm angry. I know what it is, too, two major things: one, I'm in a new and unfamiliar place. No close friends around, and while I'm meeting new people every day and getting closer to some of them, feelings of loneliness are still hard to avoid. I've always thought of myself as a loner and I don't think that's changed, but especially when dealing with something like this, we all need the company of people we can trust.

The second is lack of sleep. I've been deprived for days on end; the other day I heard someone use the phrase "starving for sleep" and I'm beginning to understand what that's like. 6 hours a night may be plenty for some people but not for me. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do about it, as our superiors keep us on a strict schedule.

St. Catherine of Siena, pray for us!

 

401 days

Cravings are still there but i made it

 

3 days
Congratulations @HE^MAN you're an inspiration

 

85 days.

Long workday without that much urges. Have been slacking on meditation and physical exercise but keeping myself quite busy.

 

Thanks for the many likes, bros! And to those who answered and supported me!
(just want to mention it for once)

Yesterday I had a nightly binge and I feel so devasted now. I feel like I'm only pretending. I fear that I will be like this in 10 in 15 in 20 and in 30 years from now. But I can't even feel this fear because my emotions are so f*king numbed.

What left is therapy and maybe talking to my family about this. But I don't really expect much from a therapist ... As for the latter, I'm really afraid of this. I'm keeping this secret for years. Secrets and lies ... At the same time I'm more or less independent and why should I even bother my family with it?

 

407 days high king
483 days no PMO, semen retention

 

Thanks brother for suggesting me, i will surely try to do qigong.

 

DAY 25 WEDNESDAY.

 

Day 7 completed, on my way to Urukdom once more

 

Day 40

 

oh by the way, that might have been bad advice, I can't tell ...
The most important thing is to stay accountable. As for the counter ... I'm not sure .. I kinda hate this thing

 

Day 184 no PMO. Had a pretty big disagreement with my wife yesterday. Luckily it did not lead to any urges or relapse. Today is our last day of quarantine and I’m so ready.

 

Day 25: at the old Watchtower of Amon Sûl

“On the contrary! No, the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.”

 

Day 8 Uruk-Hai status activated!

 

day 49- elf

 

Day 11

 

day 13 as a Uruk-Hai

 

Day 22,
I feel so great, at peace. I must continue on this path because it grants me so much happiness and clarity.
My shame is diminishing.

 

I felt like relaxing with porn and masturbation on day 0 ("I have relapsed big time already so what's the point?"). On the other hand I wanted to stay strong and not slip another time. So I wanted to ask successful rebooters how to deal with my urge. Sometimes one is just helpless!

But now - finally! - I have found the strength to say no. Thich Nhat Tanh (for those who know him) always says, a good practioner can do this and can do that. I want to be a good practioner. It's all about mindfulness, breathing, calming the mind. So finally I had the motivation to say "yes, I want calm my mind. I want to endure this sensation without acting on it."

What I want is recovery. What I need to learn is living without the painkiller porn.

Let me remind you guys, that there are many needs that we want to satisfy / compensate by using porn or masturbation. Let me warn you that when you just want some relaxation or intimacy, the replacement of an affectionate partner or just some distraction, your brain will tell you "oh no, I don't want you to watch some kinky or aggressive porn and this doesn't need to be long. But what you just need now is ... (a "harmless" massage video, for example)." or something along those lines.

 

I have my college entrance exam tomorrow wish me luck