91 days. Good day of work yesterday and relaxing in the evening with some ice cream and a good movie to reward myself for completing 90 days in my reboot Thank you! Let's destroy the ring, we are in this together.
Monk books Yesterday I saw this girl from the gym for a medical examination; I had to touch several private areas of her body. I am used to seeing and touching naked beautiful girls as a physician. Sex never crosses my mind when I do this. Sometimes even girls try to seduce me in these situations, but I never did anything it is not very professional. This girl is hitting a little on me. She is very beautiful but I like more the girl I am seeing right now in terms of personality and looks. But if things don’t work out, I might consider dating her. Things seem to be going good with the new girl I’m seeing. Today I’m studying some neurology and going back to the basics of monastic lifestyle I’m reading The Spiritual Life: A Treatise on Ascetical and Mystical Theology by AD. Tanquerey. Also practice of Brahmacharya by Sivananda. I consider monks real mystics with deep understanding of sexuality. I also enjoy austerity.
Day 21 Feeling good. Cold shower, meditation, prayer, a workout incoming in about two hours. I've gotten some flirtatious attention from women from whom I would not expect it. Interesting, flattering. We'll see where it goes. I'll be good either way. Brain fog is clearing up, and my ability to focus has improved but still has a long way to go. Happy for another day porn-free. It really is a kind of freedom, too. You don't appreciate it when you're zonked out on it.
40 days – You try to pass through Caradhras but the PMO forces were strong there. You make a detour to the Dwarven Realm of Moria. Today I am tired, perhaps worn down from this mountainous stretch of the journey. I think I have new energy coming my way though. I have completing this challenge as one of my long term goals so I must persist!
Day 2 . I did my workout, then I focused on my work and studies and finally I meditated . To see how many brothers and sisters on this journey are doing their best and are really winning this fight even though with their own difficulties and struggles, that makes me feel so full of hope because if they can do it I can do it too !!
Reset yesterday. Day 1 complete. No porn involved, but I did fall to MO in a really dumb circumstance. I was taking an afternoon nap to catch up on poor sleep from the night before, and my best guess for what happened is that I was close to a wet dream. I woke up suddenly, found myself in an aroused state, and just finished the job without even stopping to think about it. I felt really angry and stupid after that one, partially from the sense that I was tricked into it, in a way, but more so from knowing that even then I had the power to stop and didn't.
Alright, Day 4 is just about over! Uni is great. I'm really busy and there are so many beautiful girls. Interestingly, my urges haven't been extreme, but the urge to look at these girls on campus has definitely increased. Also, I find that girls who I wouldn't have considered dating because they didn't seem beautiful enough suddenly seem great! I think this has something to do with my changing perceptions of "real" women. Porn conditioned me to be only interested in these gorgeous model-like girls and I don't think that's correct or right. On to the next day!
Day 1 Looking back, I think that I only did half the work that is needed for a reboot. I did change my habits, I stopped staying alone in my house, moved my phone out of the bedroom and started implementing good habits like meditation, journaling and exercising. But I did not fight the urges themselves. I’ve been reading about everyone else struggles and thought to myself “how weird, I don’t have any urges”. For me it was always either watching porn or not watch porn, there was nothing in between. And now I’m starting to understand that I was simply either not feeling the need for porn (or couldn’t do it at that time) or just gave up in a heartbeat and later describing what happened as “somehow I found myself in a three hour binge” as if it wasn’t me who was there and made all of those decisions. I almost never stayed with that feeling and really felt the urge to watch or even try and fight it. Even if I would fail again and not make it this time to white wizard (you know… because it’s a totally reasonable possibility), I think I must simply try and stay with this feeling for a couple of minutes and learn to feel it. have a great day everyone.
