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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by RiseToGreatness, Sep 22, 2019.
Checking in. All good. A bit tired though, might go to bed earlier tonight.
Weird day- windy and rainy. apart from the usual stuff had a little adventure with my old laptop. Just for the record I had all PCs and laptops cleaned from any p materials quite a while ago. So I was downloading studying materials and it was taking some time so I decided to clean up memory from some unused stuff and one of the programs i deleted/uninstalled was lovecity 3d on which I had a crush some7-8 years ago. After erasing some useless old stuff I had an urge to check if I had any p left in other folders, I knew I cleaned the laptop but kept looking and found a thumbnail from that game I deleted earlier. It took me just 1-2 sec to delete it. I found as well some of my old video which I wasn't sure what I filmed on them years ago (I suspect there could be the wrong stuff). I clicked on one to see what was on them but in the first few seconds I had a bad feeling about what I might see there so I closed it and deleted all 5 of them. I think it was somewhat a fishing, with an excuse of checking if I cleaned laptop well last time (about 6 months ago).
I think that a lot of our relapses start from our neglect to speak up and secrecy in covering something suspicious that feels not right, only for it to grow in the darkness of separation...
I'm thinking maybe the most difficult obstacle is time. It's so easy to do something proactive against the addictive ways! Just breathing mindfully, to just mention one thing.
Unfortunately sooner or later "it" comes back. And again, afer you fought it back with ease. Then with a vengenance!
For me the question is: when will I turn such an event of allurement into an event of success? When will I choose the laurels instead of the instant high?
Last relapse was not so ugly, but bad enough. Just stupid! Well, I had my fun. As long as I stick to this combination "I" and "my fun" and ignore everything and everyone else I won't heal.
Today was a good day. Slowly I'm getting were I want, I think. The process is full of wishful-thinking, negative feelings, overthinking, distraction and hectic but sometimes you have just to through all this mud to get into the water ... to get to swim to the other side
- is that a nice picture? I don't know.
Going from chaos and procrastination to clarity and activity I can use every hour that one day has. At the moment I'm coming here very often. It gives me a feeling of security. A replacement for a social life maybe.
Staying in contact and accountable is good! But one daily check-in should be maximum and I can't afford any longer to spend my time on nofap when I have important tasks to do.
I'm actually proud and happy that I recognize this and that I'm so close to let go of ANY distractions and procrastinative behavior. I CAN DO THIS! And I hopefully will.
3 days ago I had sex after 3 months abstinence, it was one of the best performances I had. I had a clear head all the time. I never had an urge to ejaculate and was intuitively more attuned with her body and inner sensations. I played more, was more spontaneous and in control of everything that it was happening.
The past months I was very physical, dancing, moving, meditation and sense restriction mode. It helped me to be more at sync within myself which translates more in sync with a girl in bed.
I have also see that the less I'm exposed to sexual and sensual content the better I get at sex.
I have this obsession to improve my sexual performance more and more every time I have sex, every time it has to be better than the last one and different too, at least some variation.
The next step will be to keep doing what I'm already doing and increase sensual restrictions. So less screen time, better posture and less laziness. Let's see if this little changes improve my sexual performance.
or rather a norm, for where you gonna find people on the same brainwave towards PMO as you have found here.
it's more like awareness and determination that have to rise in order to succeed as well as to learn to do thorough analysis and accountability after every relapse.
yeah I thought so too. But I don't have to push me to use this site more regularly, rather stop me to not overuse it
Day 1, back to Orc
I finally quit my job. Very happy because I have much more free time, but I have to be carefull, for the rest time has a dangerous side also. I just have to keep myself busy with my real passion, which is music and to not procrastinate. Today I had some urges because I drank a beer, and I usually have some urges afterwards, but I took a cold shower, and it went awy.
Today was rough at the start, I was feeling awful from last nights relapse but by the end of the night I'm feeling pretty good.
I had a handful of really strong urges today, here's a list of the things I did to help with those:
Microcosmic Orbit Breathing Meditation (it sounds way scarier than it is, you basically just visualise breathing around in a loop through your body)
Reminding myself that they are just thoughts and that I do not have to act upon them or interact with them in any way (to help with detachment from the thoughts)
I found that making fun of my addiction and myself helped in a strange way, as an example:
*I get an urge*
talking to my urge: "oh here he comes again begging me to jerk off like some fucking loser, fuck off dude im busy i dont have time for your shit"
talking to myself: "really dude, you're gonna just listen to this guy? you're just gonna beat your meat to make yourself feel better just because this guy told you to? seriously? that's fucking gross man"
I don't actually think that what I'm saying is what's helping I think just basically pretending I'm having a conversation with someone is keeping my mind busy, or maybe it's helping me become less scared of the urges because I'm making it a lesser deal by mocking it. Obviously I can't recommend the "self-bullying" method I used today because it might be quite harmful for others but it worked for me for some reason so I thought I'd share.
Having a great day so far, complete with cold shower and weight lifting. I've gotten some work done too.
I'm a little worried my addict brain might be trying to replace PMO with alcohol. I've been drinking too much. Rarely to drunkenness, but still. It's not that alcohol makes me more tempted to PMO at this point, though it used to. It's more like it's becoming my go-to source for consolation or dopamine instead of PMO.
I don't want that to happen. The fact that the desire to drink a couple drinks every night keeps recommending itself to me makes me think that I still haven't quite solved what's at the root of my PMO addiction. What am I running from? What am I avoiding?
I'm going to keep working on this. No beer tonight!
Checking in Fellowship friends,
Day 322 free of Porn and Day 250 free of MO!
Caught a small cold Sunday but I seem to be recovering quickly, hoping i'll be 100% by tomorrow. I definitely see an improvement in that regard too, back when I was in heavy withdrawal/early burnout, a cold would render me incapable of even working. I'd have to take the entire first day off at the least..if not more. I would have a lot of ruminating thoughts as well.
So I take it as a good sign. I will mention I had an urge on my first day of being sick, but nothing I could not manage.
I'm really excited to see the changes that will occur within the next 3 to 6 months.
Stay strong fellowship!
250 days – You´re halfway the stairs. You move slowly trying to stay unnoticed by the flying Nazgûl.
Yep, you're right bro! But when I said that I didn't change, I was talking about my nature, I haven't reached a purity of heart that would stop me even from fantasizing, so I'm still the same person with a lot of faults, and I still need to recognize that I'm incapable of fighting this sin alone. That's what grace is all about. And I also fear the feeling of empowerment, because it leads me to think that I'm an almighty human who's able of doing anything, and that leads me to relapse. But yep, I can see that I'm not the same person, not even the person that I wanna be, so I think I can say that I'm changing.
She is angry because I did pm so much that I did not give her the sexual and romantic attention that she deserved, and because I lied about it for a long time.
Day 29. Almost an elf !! Like I said every little victory it’s what makes the greatest victory of reboot a reality. So I will keep doing my best , praying for the strength to do my journey to Mordor and destroy this ring and I will keep my mind studying reboot material to stay focus on my fight in the good and the bad days. God bless you all brothers and sisters !!
Day 3 complete!
I'm still in the lull following my last reset, but tomorrow I expect that the urges will become stronger. Limiting my phone usage is what really helps me to avoid triggers--not that I'm doing anything explicitly triggering on my phone, but it so easily creates the atmosphere of slowing down, relaxing, and mindlessly searching for the next thing to pulse my brain.
@Onan the Barbarian Be careful and stay strong! The connection you're seeing between various addictive behaviors is a very real one, I think. Exchanging one addiction for another is no true progress.
I just gotta be durable.