The Matrix Challenge

Hi @Om Prakash Vedanta, I haven't but I have nutted over other stuff that surprised me. Are you concerned because you came to something gay?

 

Yes, concerned bcoz the ridiculous behavior that I am indulging is is braindead. I have a scar tissue near my groin area, a missed work deadline thats important but still I engaged in sex chat and porn instead. The nature of porn and chat and the time that I have indulged in it makes me question all of my actions as if I am very much less in control. By very much less I mean that my free will is so bad that I jerked off to cuckold gay stuff of being asked to suck c**k. I am concerned if I ever will make it. Its been 3 months since I joined this website and I have jerked off 45 times (roughly) out of 120 days despite knowing that I have a work deadline to finish, health concern to take care of and eat well to recover it.

 

I can relate to what you’re saying in the sense that sometimes my behaviour has been so irrational & as if so intentionally self-sabotaging that it stunned me how much I wasn’t under control yet permitting these actions.

Might be worth looking into the concepts of ‘Shadow Integration’ (Carl Jung) if you haven’t, it’s helped me a lot. Main thing is building self-awareness & it seems you are doing that so don’t lose hope my friend.. it can seem like you’re not making progress, sometimes it can even get worse but trust the process & keep trying & finding your way.

I read this in a psychology book: It’s possible that we may have disorganising (or disruptive) principles within us that are important in carrying the function of breaking down old models to allow the growth of new ones.

Take care @Om Prakash Vedanta #SelfCare

 

Thank you @Congruence I looked into shadow integration and would work on it. I had heard this term in a song by tool called shadow way back. I had looked into this term then as a concept but didn't practice it as it isn’t something I felt I was ready then. It seems I have to work on it anyhow. I am afraid to confront my shadow for I have destroyed it myself crushing it due to misconception over how I should treat myself and others. I had this notion of if I am damaging myself then it should not be anybody else’s concern disregarding the fact that damaging myself render me completely useless to anyone. I couldn’t foresee myself wanting the things to be better for me as I hated myself but was a hypocrite to indulge in pleasure as I saw it as a means to further damage but I was only fooling myself in the aftermath convincing myself that I am doing this to damage myself but in truth there were times when getting pleasure was a sole driving force. I didn’t became self-aware that I should be pursuing the things that should pleasure me but positively and with awareness. This negative loop cycle had been ingrained in me over through repetition. In my shadow integration, I need to face my shadow which has hidden away from me as it is angry for being let down. It is the cause of this disruptive principles because I continue to fail to lift it up. I feel the damage and sympathize with my shadow and I need to forgive myself for damaging it so much and would work towards it till I get it right.

 

Day 0. I’m gonna go on a month break from youtube and instagram and see if that helps me find a new way to deal with stress/boredom

 

I gave up on chats long before the deep messed up fetishes took ahold of me. Over the last year or so I slipped from P of women taking control into sissy, feminization, etc. I got to where I was playing online games that included some of the type of stuff you’re talking about. I went from hating those parts of the games to kind of accepting it and not getting off on it exactly but it I used to kill the mood and it wasn’t anymore.

That all seemed to be happening pretty fast compared to the rest of my slow journey of P and developing fetishes. It kind of triggers me to ask why the hell is this happening to me. I know that isn’t anything I want part of and was alarmed how my brain went from a hard no to accepting this kind of stuff. That was when I realized the power of P as an outside influence to reprogram my brain. That happened about a month or two ago. Im not free from it still but since that revelation it’s easier to resist that stuff. Especially the more extreme stuff, my concern for how it is programming my mind against my intended will is overriding perceived pleasure in the moment more of the time.

Not sure if that helps at all. It’s good to know it seems like there is hope to remove this twisted programming from the mind.

 

Thanks for sharing your negative experience with the porn. I agree with how strong the outside influence can twist and reprogram your brain to accept the things it wants you to tell. I am with you and my concern for it being able to program me against my will is definitely stronger and overriding now the perceived “pleasure” that I got from it. This type of porn is cancer to any good social experience. Again, it is a fool’s trait to look for anything of culture or good social experience in porn. Its complete hedonism and fake pleasure pursuit which is why it is absolutely necessary to continue my no PMO journey. We all are doing something meaningful here by reviving our lives and it will be revived very soon.

 

Day 98!

 

Day 0

 

Day 2, i am focused on a mission:

 

Oh yeh I think I know the song you mean by Tool, think it's called 'Forty Six & 2'. Funny you say that because, same thing happened to me.. I came across the ideas of shadow integration way back when but didn't apply or work on it bcuz I wasn't ready I suppose. ACTUALLY, it was when I left this site in December that I started to consciously put effort into doing it & I'm really grateful for the results achieved.

Good reflection.

You got it man! Self-awareness of your thoughts, feelings & actions, analysing why you think, feel or do what you do. Accepting, forgiving & even embracing the hurt or "bad" parts of yourself.

If I may suggest something to you @Om Prakash Vedanta that could help you (it may not but..) it helped me.. go thru this list of prompts & choose or note down the ones that stand out or resonate with you (I had 20 questions). You don't need to write the answers down, you can just think about the answers & notice your feelings. It might be a lot to take in at first but have a look over the list you made again when you can over the period of weeks if you have to.

1. What emotion do you try to avoid feeling the most? How do you typically react when I feel this emotion?
2. What negative emotion do I feel most comfortable with? Do you cling to this emotion because it feels normal?
3. Is your inner voice kind or critical? What are the things it says to you most often?
4. Is your inner voice truly yours? Could it be influenced by other people in your life like your parents, friends, or teachers?
5. How do you think people see you? How does that make you feel?
6. How do you want other people to see you? Is it different than how you think they see you?
7. When are you most judgemental?
8. What relationship do you think you could have stronger boundaries? What's preventing you from setting those boundaries?
9. Do you respect other people's boundaries?
10. What are your core values?
11. Are you living in alignment with your core values? If no, which values aren't being respected?
12. Are your core values similar to your parents or caregivers? Are you happy about that? Where else do you think your values came from?
13. When was the last time you felt disappointed? Does it make sense that you felt that way? Could something else have been triggering this feeling?
14. Write down a time you felt betrayed. What would you say to that person now?
15. What trait do you wish you had that you see in other people?
16. Do you frequently overthink what you've said or done? Why do you think that is?
17. What triggers jealousy in you? Why do you think that is?
18. What are the first signs that your mental health is suffering?
19. Are you easily swayed by the opinions of others? Why or why not?
20. Do you value yourself and what you bring to the world?
21. Have you ever done something to make someone else proud? If so, who was that person and why did you care what they thought?
22. Imagine you are lying on your death bed. What regret do you fear having the most?
23. What do you wish people understood about you? Is there a way you can better share that part of yourself with the world?
24. What makes you feel empty inside? When you feel this way, how do you try to fill the void? Are there healthier ways you could do this?
25. Who has the most influence over you? Are you okay with this influence?
26. What does freedom mean for you?
27. When are you hardest on yourself? Why do you think that is?
28. What does failure mean to you? Are you afraid of it? Why or why not?
29. What is your relationship with you parents like? Is it different now than when you were a child?
30. What is your relationship with your siblings like? Is it different now than when you were a child?
31. What does achievement mean to you? Do you celebrate your achievements?
32. Do you think you're only as good as your last achievement?
33. If you could be anything in the world, what would it be? Are you making steps toward being that person? Why or why not?
34. Have you ever sacrificed a part of who you are to fit in with others better? Why?
35. In what areas of your life do you feel superior to your peers? Are you really?
36. In what areas of your life do you feel inferior to your peers? Are you really?
37. What gives you the most purpose in life? Is there a way you can do more of that?
38. What would you change about the people closest to you? Is there something you could change in yourself to make these relationships stronger?
39. Do you feel valued?
40. What makes you feel valued?
41. Do you think you're a confrontational person? Is this something you're proud of or would you like to be more agreeable?
42. Describe yourself. Do you like what you wrote down?
43. What traits do you see in yourself that remind you of your parents?
44. How did it make you feel when you realized your parents weren't perfect? Does it make it more accepting for you to not be perfect too?
45. Is there a person you've never forgiven? How has this affected your life? Is there a way you can forgive them now?
46. How did you process emotions as a young person? How do you process emotions now? Has this changed?
47. How do you feel when people overstep your boundaries? What is your reaction?
48. What about yourself would you like to change? Why? Has anyone ever suggested that you should?
49. What is your definition of perfect? Is it something you can attain?
50. Do you hold yourself to a higher standard than others?
51. In what ways do you show up for others that you don't show up for yourself?
52. When you think about your life so far, what do you feel most guilty about? Why? Can you make peace with it?
53. When you think about your life so far, what do you feel most ashamed of? Why? Can you forgive yourself?
54. When you think about your life so far, when did you feel most alone? Why?
55. When you think about your life so far, what is your biggest regret? Why?
56. Have you ever stayed in a relationship you knew wasn't good for you? Why do you think that was?
57. Have you ever felt scared of commitment? Why did you feel that way?
58. Have you ever felt an unhealthy attachment to someone? Why did you feel that way?
59. If you were to live the remaining years of your life exactly how you have so far, how would that make you feel? What would you want to do differently?
60. Do you feel less than, more than or equal to others?
61. Which personality trait would you hate to be described with? Why?
62. When was the last time you felt like your emotions were belittled? How did you react? How could you respond in a more healthy way?
63. What emotions bring out the worst in you?
64. When do you find yourself putting on a mask and using a different persona? Is it with certain people or in certain situations? What would happen if you showed your true self?
65. List the traits you don't like in yourself. What vulnerabilities do you think are behind these negative traits? Are there more positive or productive traits you could replace them with?
66. How do you respond to compliments? Why do you think you reply this way?
67. What is the biggest lie you tell yourself?
68. What's the biggest promise you've broken to yourself? How did that make you feel?
69. What's the biggest promise you've broken with someone else? How did that make you feel?
70. Do you ever knowingly manipulate people? Were you trying to get a need met?
71. Have you ever felt taken advantage of? How did you respond to feeling that way?
72. What is your deepest source of anger?
73. What do you want to stop running away from? How could you tackle it head on?
74. Which relationships in your life no longer serve you? Is there a way you can salvage them?
75. What was your last unkind thought? Did you voice it?
76. When you think of your life so far, what situation do you wish had a different outcome?
77. Are you a dramatic person? Why or why not?
78. Are you comfortable asking for help? Why or why not?
79. What makes you feel unsafe?
80. When you think about your life so far, who do you feel you've let down the most? Why?

---
Checkin Day 5 - Follow the White Rabbit

 

Do you want water if you are exhausted??
You have contributed a lot in this post

 

Day 16. I’m definitely sick. Gonna take a lot of focus not to fall back on…”comforting” bad habits.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Ephesians 6:12-13

 

Relapsed because I felt the temporary lack of sense of long hours at work. I couldn't keep up with my goals or anything in my life.

Are you gay or straight? Is this your question? I'm a bit confused. It might be the tiredness or the brain fog.

I think you need to take several deep breaths and get some clarity of mind. If you want a private message, after you answer the first question, I might tell you how I see it. But I don't want to rash to conclusions and I don't want to hurt someone's feelings on the forum inadvertently.

 

Lol, you had me there for a second. xD

 

I had a moment of disappointment too Good one, @Red_John, you got us! I was like: "Sht no!"

 

Sames, low-key heart palpitation.. a taste of my own medicine perhaps.

Yes please haha I'll add that question to my shadow list. #AlwaysTired

Great additions to an already superb format @Red_John really chuffed about the introduction of The Analyst, which I hope to reach.

 

Day 4
Right behind you in number of days @Congruence

keep strong everyone, tough times don’t last but tough people sure do!