The Matrix Challenge

I am straight. What I mean when I said that I indulged in hedonistic pleasures in a negative way as to damage myself is because of my introduction to Femdom porn and then Femdom porn elements such as cuckolding, BBC cuckolding, SPH etc. That is what I indulged in and it escalated to the level of femdom chat with a random women who talked about using femdom terms such as bitchboy and sissy etc. Basically inducing sissification in the same manner as porn. Even though I was disgusted by it, I engaged in it as she told things to suck co*k as a c*ckold guy. She said things like its not gay if I do it in front of her and this chat has happened only 2 times. I felt disgusted about where Femdom porn has led me. I feel sexually attracted to women but I don't feel sexual attraction towards a man. The question simply was that whether a straight male here has been involved in this fetish porn to this extent which I described and how do I forgive myself for this because I did engaged in masturbation ( a sexual activity) when that chat happened. I don’t feel judged here as this is a stranger chat forum and platform. If you still have something to say, you can feel free to comment here itself. I don't mind.

 

Thank you so much. I will definitely work on all these questions to begin my shadow integration. I do set myself a target of a basic 14 day streak before I fill these answers for myself separately as I need clarity before I step on these plus I have some pending work to finish up for which I am extremely enthusiastic to finish up regardless of what deadline happens or not. I will give my best and give what I have worked on so far.

 

Excelent update mate
Let's gooo!
Choosing exile program for the next days.
Going with the Merovingian.

 

Day 6

Today was the first day of Ramadhan. I am a muslim so i'll be fasting for 29-30 Days. Fasting has always helped me stay clean and speed up the recovery, but it I'll have to be careful because after breaking the fast, I can be mentally and physicaly exhausted and that has lead me a good number of times to relapse.

 

I will be absent for a few days, so when i return i will update the post. Cya guys, and one meme for the road:

 

@Congruence Came across this song and it feels relatable to shadow integration, so sharing with you:

Light by Advaita

I can see the light now shining through the shadows
Dreams unravel, stories untold, and visions yet alone
and I wanna walk this way, to a place I have known
and I wanna walk this way, just walk home

get up and make the change right now *3
get up and free yourself right now *3

You wont tell me what went wrong, your world was shaken
We have been waiting for too long to find a way back home and I wanna take you there
to a place I know and I wanna take you there, just walk on

get up and make the change right now *3
get up and free yourself right now *3

get up *6

are we ready to let go? *2

get up *6

 

@Red_John I had a reset this past weekend, but didn’t log in to update until now. I’ve got 4 days.

Thanks for running this.

 

Correction: Check-in Day 1 ended. Day 2 begins.

 

day 2 blue pill

 

Day 99!

 

Sweet, let's try & keep it up!

Btw classic profile pic @99PROBLEMS&F4Pis1, quite appropriate for this site if you think about it.
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All the best on your 14 day target @Om Prakash Vedanta & with your other work stuff! Btw, you don't have to answer ALL those questions, just the ones that "speak to you".

Omg, I loved watching 'Escape from L.A.' as a kid.. have a good one @Interface cya when ya back!

Thnx for sharing this @Om Prakash Vedanta, hehe yeh it def has a theme of shadow integration.. a call to adventure! Liking the jungle / exotic culture vibes & guitar solo too.
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Check in - Day 6

 

Day 10 - Mr. Anderson

 

Day 1

 

Day 17


I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40:1-3

 

I've been exposed to more triggers lately, probably because I'm getting out of my house more due to being back in school. So, urges have been stronger as of late. I noticed that I have different types of urges. The urge that's attached to the most guilt or shame are my porn urges. Specifically thinking about how much pleasure watching porn would give me. 2nd type of urge I get is sex. I've been getting a lot of urges to have sex lately (a lot more sex urges than porn urges recently). Little to no shame is attached to my urges of wanting sex though and I think it's because I don't have a compulsive problem with sex. It's also because I tend to converse plenty with a woman before having sex. So, the healthy social interactions with a woman occur much more often than the actual sex (I don't get a lot of sex either). The last type of urge that I get is *slight trigger warning*.. I'll call this urge the curiosity urge. It's when I think of a specific porn site and get so curious to see what are the new updates but of course I don't check because I know that would lead to either feelings of guilt or actual PMO. The curiosity is a little bit more intense when a porn site that I used to really enjoy was discontinued but is "coming soon again" last time I checked back when I was PMOing often. So, my curiosity wants to check if that porn site still has the "coming soon again" sign or if they're up and running with new content now. A part of me would like to just go to the site and enjoy the content but then I put immense pressure on myself not to do that which actually works (so far). Other than these urges, I'm actually doing great and thankful for this community!

 

Day 7

 

Day 5

a quote I love from Batman for y’all:
“The night is darkest just before the dawn, and I promise you, the dawn is coming”

 

Day 2

 

Just to clarify what I meant here, Jay's expression / the music video:

*Trigger Warning*


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Day 7 - Ranking up to Mr. Anderson

I'm taking action!