The Mighty That Fell ~ Squeaky Soul's Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Squeaky Soul, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    I have asked God for forgiveness. I just haven't confessed my sins to a priest.

    Btw, what does "IGY" stand for?

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  2. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Well, as I said Psalm 103 tells you what happens when you ask God for forgiveness - read it to find peace.

    IGY = International Geophysical Year. It was an international scientific project that lasted from 1 July 1957 to 31 December 1958. It marked the end of a long period during the Cold War when scientific interchange between East and West had been seriously interrupted.

    Of course, all this was before I was born. But as a fan of Donald Fagen of Steely Dan, I was introduced to the acronym on his first album - The Nightfly (1982). The first song on the album is I.G.Y. (What a Beautiful World).

    So, why did I pick IGY to identify me on this forum? Because the chorus sums up my optimism about completing this challenge successfully: "What a beautiful world this will be, What a glorious time to be free."
     
  3. Virtouso

    Virtouso New Fapstronaut

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    I also I've been through the same struggle. 3 weeks of abstinence then I fell back into the dark pit. I still hope I will recover soon Good luck bro!
     
  4. TheMessenger

    TheMessenger Fapstronaut

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    brother, if it wasnt for all my relapse i wouldnt be clean of pmo for a year, another chapter for you, you will come out stronger and better then ever before my friend

    fight hard and finish strong
     
  5. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Hello, friends.

    Today was a good day alright.

    I thought I would share some words of wisdom from St. Augustine...

    Take Account of Failures

    As long as we are human beings, we cannot avoid failures, even if they are flimsy. What is important in any case is not to ignore them, not to disregard them. For swollen rivers are made out of small drops of water.

    A tiny leak in a boat, unless notices and controlled in time, is cause enough for the boat to sink to the bottom of the sea. Drop by drop the hull will be flooded, and the boat will get heavier until finally it cannot float anymore.

    Prayer

    Lord, You grieve over wrongdoing, but You feel no pain.

    ~St. Augustine

    St. Augustine was a man who struggled deeply with sexual sin. He rose up out the ashes, and he became great. From spiritual rags to riches.

    Ol' Journal Pages

    P. 20

    (Picture of a cat)...

    P. 21

    Exercise for Getting Rid of Urges (Courtesy of the Sacred Sexuality Project)

    Tip #1

    *Get a pencil and paper and write how PMO is ruining your life (1 paragraph)

    *Write how quitting PMO is going to lead you to the life you've always wanted (1 paragraph)

    *think about how you relapsed, and what was going through your head before, during, and after {the ordeal}. Then write a quick response to these thoughts about what's right.

    P. 22-23

    Tip #2

    Imagine you have to travel down a road, and there are three different obstacles you have to overcome on this road. The first one is getting past a lion, the second is getting past a hippo, and the third is getting past an elephant.

    Individually, these challenges are easy to figure out. We tend to combine problems without looking at them individually. We can get past each one, but you could never get past them all at once - A Lippophant!Don't create large problems out of many little ones.

    P. 24

    Tip #3

    *Relax your body!

    *Relax every muscle in you body from the bottom up, or from the top to bottom


    Hope you guys enjoyed!

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  6. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Really upset. I wrote a huge fucking novel in this fucking thread... my browser fucking stopped working and all my writing was gone. I have been copying my work as I go along, but for whatever reason, when I paste nothing happens.

    FUCK INTERNET EXPLORER!!!

    ~SS
     
  7. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Chrome bro :) Sucks that you lost your post, could you write it again?
     
  8. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Hello Friends,

    I am going to copy and paste my writings in a word document as I go along.

    I need to wake up early tomorrow, so I will try my best to replicate what I wrote.


    "Today was good. Today was a really good day.

    Well, started off sleepwalking. I turned the alarm of my phone off in my sleep by walking across my room to get it, and then I suspect I threw it, because I found it under my bed after waking up.

    Anyways, went to church. The priest gave me a letter of recommendation letter that I asked of him. The letter is a requirement for the Eagle Scout Rank, so it feels good to have a made a little progress in that today.

    Today I did 100 push-ups, and 55 deadlift reps with a 100 lb. barbell. I still feel very bad about what I did 7 days ago. I still want to keep pushing myself to the limit and making myself tired so I want do any funny business. I still want to deaden my body so I won't fool around again.

    I ran into a temptation today. I was watching a sacred sexuality video. One of the suggestions for after the video was over was titled, 'Male Empowerment: Sperm Retention,' or something like that. I will admit, I had a little drive to watch that video because in the thumbnail, the lady of the video seemed attractive, but not very revealing in anyway. I clicked on the video and realized how revealing she was dressed. I am not ready for that. After seeing that, I scrolled down to the comment section. By the title of the video, I was interested in what she had to say. In the comment section, people were saying things like, 'This won't help me with my NoFap challenge,' and 'I don't recommend anyone watching this if they are doing NoFap. She is speaking very seductivel-.' I exited out.

    I was so upset! I thought, 'what a bitch! Posting a video to mess with peoples' streaks!' I was very angry with her for doing something like that. For tempting me and others like that.' "

    I will start my daily updates again tomorrow. I have to go to sleep.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  9. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Hello Men and Women of The Forum,

    It was a very successful day!

    I did a good amount of homework. I am taking a photography class, so if y'all want to see some of my pics, just PM me, and I will email them to you. My photography is centered around nature.

    I bossed at a meeting I had tonight. I took charge, and ran it very well. Another good thing about today was that I didn't get any urges.

    I failed at my work out regiment today... I only did 55 push-ups... FAAAAAAAAAAAIL!!! To be fair, I have barely had a break today. Tuesdays are crazy. School, tutoring, meeting, and today I had a conference with one of my teachers.

    Ol' Journal Pages

    P. 27

    March 3rd, 2014

    Dear Journal,

    It feels great being one week clean! Although I am a tiny bit nervous about the day after the March 7th dance. I have been finding out over the past months that I relapse the day after a dance. I shouldn't over think it, cuz I know it will be fine.

    I guess the relapsse is just because I am holding {the} girls, and then I need to release the next day.

    I NEED to pray the rosary daily again! That's what I will do for lent!!! I will pray rosary daily, and also spend less time internet surfing. I am also choosing internet surfing, cuz it puts me in the near occasion of sin, and takes time away from praying.


    Here is some work from St. Augustine:

    The Force of Habit

    Lord, sometimes You fill me with a feeling quite unlike my normal state. This gives me an inward sense of delight, which if it were to reach fulfillment in me would be something entirely different from my present life.

    But my heavy burden of distress drags me back. I am sucked back to my habits and find myself held fast; I weep greatly, but I am firmly held. The load of habit is a force to be reckoned with!


    Goodnight all. Live long and prosper, and don't be afraid to reach out for help!

    ~Squeak
     
  10. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Just did 100 pushups without breaking in 4 minutes!

    :mad: :cool: :mad:

    Squeaky :mad:
     
  11. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Just did my 300 push-ups! I don't feel that tires........

    Should I make it 400-500 a day???? Add in some deadlift? Where's Melancholy Weightlifter when you need him? Haha.

    I gave up hot water showers and criticizing for lent. Wish me luck.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  12. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Today I had some minor urges. I have been very sleepy lately, so about two hours after I woke up I went to sleep again. I went to bed listening to a new rap album. It wasn't good. All the lyrics about, drugs, violence, and SEX most of all got me thinking bad thoughts.

    Music is art, and no one can disapprove of what you like. You might like Van Gogh, but I honestly don't care. You might like classical music, but I don't really like it. That doesn't mean that your taste is bad, that just means we have different tastes. But rap... isn't really art if its only message is how many women I sleep with, selling drugs, getting wasted, killing people, or about your mother, "bitching about my friends." - Eazy-E Boyz N' Tha Hood.

    I like Macklemore because he is a recovered drug addict, and has a few songs about the struggles of overcoming addiction - Neon Cathedral, Otherside, and my favorite - Starting Over.

    I didn't do a lot of homework today... just kind of screwed around at home. I did go to Algebra tutoring, took notes, ran into a few fairly close friends - Two cuties that I used to take science with. Just said hi and bye. I was feeling kind of feverish towards the end of my session, so I didn't feel like sticking around.

    Anyone who's reading this, please share your thoughts and struggles. Anyone who sees someone else's post, I oblige you to help. This is a very excepting and understanding thread, and don't feel shy to express yourself.

    Ol' Journal Pages

    I apologize... I have misplaced my journal...

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  13. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Yup! Canned tuna, lentals, beans... Good old Lenten Season food!

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  14. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Hey porn! FUCK YOU! I am two days past my goal! Pfffffff... Bitch ass motherfucker (porn).

    Cursing porn isn't a sin right? But my all means, if anyone has a problem with me writing bad language on my thread please let me know.

    I challenged myself physically today, but if you want to find out how, check out my new workout journal - "Evolve ~Squeaky Soul's Workout Journal." (Pssst! 100 leg lifts, 100 sit-ups, and an outline of a baby six pack, yo! + a bonus)

    I went hiking with my Boy Scout troop. A lot of the dads reminded me about stuff I have to do... I need to get my learners permit and I need to quit goofing around and get my God darn Eagle Rank. I need to get off my butt and start achieving again... Can I get some encouragement please? Feel kind of weird asking for it... I know what I have to do, but I can't help it sometimes.

    Ol' Journal Pages

    Sacrifice for the Lenten Season
    *Pray rosary daily (Make it a habit to make and give enough time for prayer)
    *No web-surfing. (It takes up a lot of time) Do something productive, like eagle scout stuff.
    *No hot water! (Shower, washing hands, tea)


    Sacrifices for the Lenten season are the same, except I won't be praying the rosary.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  15. M L

    M L Guest

    Sure, I'll encourage you - think big about why you're doing this and where you want to go. All the little things you're putting off point to a lack of discipline which will hurt you later. Head down and get stuck into it!

    PS - you're still great..
     
  16. dcchristopher

    dcchristopher Fapstronaut

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    Squeaky, your an all natty weight lifter right? You actually don't have to answer that, hahaha... I watched a youtube video, Rich Piana, lifting weights, dudes arms are massive. Almost so big he looks like a mutant. Pretty sure the guy takes roids to have arms that size.

    Good job hitting your goal dude!
     
  17. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks M L and dc. I'll respond to both of your threads after this :)

    Today I didn't exercise. I went to church, ate some Thai food, and I helped train up the scouts for competition today. We worked on orientating a compass, knot tying, first-aid, and talked about brotherhood. Scouting is a big part of my life, and I don't know how I will fill this big void of mine.

    You know, I find it helpful when dealing with people who have asshole qualities, to push bak a little, but to just not care. People who are jerks, often don't realize their behavior, are acting out from a bad experience they are going through, etc. Just pretend these people are imaginary, and that they don't exist! It's working for me! That jerk that is always criticizing me? Oh yeah... he's just a figment of my imagination, designed to improve my character.

    What I was talking about is some jerk I know from my BSA Troop. Always criticizing me, and stuff. He's kind of a loser in my eyes, but he's fairly popular. He's the type of person that resents authority (me being the leader) and won't do something he doesn't want to do, ESPECIALLY after being told. It's like when I ask him for a favor, it makes him not want to do it.

    But you know what!? He's the only person who criticizes me, the only person who is allergic to work, and blah blah blah. Only one dude like him is actually a good sign. If more people were like that (critical), then I would have to examine the way I was doing things. But who cares... I have literally convinced myself that he does not exist, hahaha! He's just an imaginary friend (I guess) of mine.....................

    What do you guys think about this?

    Thanks to those words of encouragement (courtesy of M L), I started working on Eagle Scout requirements. I have some pictures to print out, some more pictures to print out, a couple of essays to edit and print out, a resume all still that need to be fully completed.

    Ol' Journal Pages

    P. 30

    Plans for Day After Dances
    (Not relapsing a day after a school dance)

    *Electronic Fast
    *Do something exciting
    *Keep mind busy
    *Homework!


    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  18. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Hello Everybody,

    No long post today; I have to go to sleep. I will just include that now that I have taken two days off from working out, I have been having to face more urges. Idle hands, idle time.

    This journal is definitely helping with my commitment issues to this website. I visit everyday at a healthy rate.

    Anyways, just checking in and letting you guys know what's up. See you later.

    Thanks for the support,

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  19. stinky635

    stinky635 Fapstronaut

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    After dealing with the guilt of confessing to my wife of my porn habits I can't help but wish I had stopped years ago before I had the chance to hurt anyone by myself. Your journey may be hard but trust me the feelings you are sparing yourself in the future are making this all worth it. Some woman will be very lucky and thankful for you being someone who took a stand and are doing so with integrity.

    Thanks for sharing and good luck on your continued journey.
     
  20. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. I do think about that from time to time, about porn not affecting a relationship in the future.

    Here's some advice for you. Start working out with the intention of exhausting yourself so you won't want to relapse. Also, get really mad at porn. REALLY MAD! Use that anger fuel you for workouts. Whenever you get an urge, get mad at it.

    ▶SQUEAKY SOUL
     

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