The Mighty That Fell ~ Squeaky Soul's Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Squeaky Soul, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    I have been scarce on here.

    Here's my newest journal entry:

    Having a rough day. My friend is going through a tough time with his family, and instead of excepting support he is choosing to isolate himself. It's a terrible situation. He sent me and a few others a text message that got me really worried. I don't want to get into details, just to keep things, you know, discreet.

    I got an assignment, but my cold has really got me in a weird funk... Yeah, another weird funk. Life is almost never perfect.

    I have been motivating myself really good lately, it just takes a really long time to apply this motivation. It's like I get pumped at day break, but it takes all day until I start doing what I am supposed to do. When I am better, I will do BETTER.

    I have just calculated the minimum amount of school (Still a lot) I have to do before my next appointment with the school councelor. Being homeschooled, Every month my school councelor comes to my house and picks up the homework that I've done and makes sure I am on schedule with my studies. Being homeschooled is no walk in the park, IF you do it right. You have to be highly self motivated to do all of your homework without a teacher biting at your ass all of the time. High motivation... that is something I am having trouble with. I am not falling behind though, so that's a plus.

    Three weeks and two days ago I started applying my rage and anger of pornography to work outs. Now that I have a cold I can't work out, so I thought why not apply this anger towards school. Get that adrenaling pumping, and kick schools butt in the name of no PMO.

    So, how do you guys think I am doing? I am open to criticism, and I want to improve myself. How can I be better? How can I be an inspiration to others?

    Ol' Journal Pages

    P. 31

    Dear Journal,

    {The}Time is 4:23 a.m. Can't go to sleep. Slight;y scared of going to bed. I think this one might be an all nighter. I am not in the mood for eating and drinking good food and drink and not in the mood to listen to music. I couldn't find peppermint oil for my water. Don't want to wake mom up. I really like this cool glass bottle she bought me!

    The End (For now)


    Urges were minimal today. Nothing I can't handle.

    ~Squeaky Pole
     
  2. M L

    M L Guest

    I'm sorry for your friend's trouble -keep a close eye on him - very close if need be. It's so hard to see someone hurting.

    You're doing great to be flexible with your strategy - no work-out = more school work. It can be hard to be highly productive all the time though.

    Keep going SS - you bring a lot to us here:)
     
  3. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks M L. A lot of sleepless nights or going to bed after sunrise too. Too much school, but I guess keeping busy is perfect for doing away with PMO.

    The problem is, he doesn't want to consider any of us his friends. He feels isolated, so instead of branching out he has gone recluse. You'd imagine someone would want support in his situation, but he's pushing everyone away and not responding to our texts. I can't keep a close eye on him. We aren't friends to him anymore. He's in a very fragile state.

    I pray we can bring him back. His last message to us was very dark. As I said, I will not give details, but the way he worded it - Chilling.

    ~Squeaky Knoll
     
  4. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Please do not infer a criticism from this question, but why are you home schooled Squeaky Student, lol?

    With regard to this lad you are worried about. The best way you can support him is to reassure him of your love. For example, you could send a text like... "... You may not think of me as a friend, but I want you to know that I care about you. As far as I am concerned, there are no bridges burned between us ..." This puts no burden on him and there is no invitation for him to respond. The main message is that you feel for him. Therefore, if he needs to reach out to someone in his distress, he may well pick you. I have been in dark places several times in my life, and I can confirm that a message like this really penetrates the despair. Love is the strongest power in the universe (imo).
     
  5. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks AP!

    I am homeschooled because 17 years ago, when I was born my father asked my mom if she would be open to homeschooling us. I don't know why, but I guess I should ask him. My mom always asked if we didn't want to homeschool anymore, but I was honestly scared of change.

    Yes, love is the strongest power in the universe.

    ~Squeaky Coal
     
  6. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Hi Squeaky Bottom, lol. We tend to be a little scared of new scenarios so I can understand you not wanting to go to school - squeaky bum time, eh? :p

    That's the first time I have heard of the decision being made to home school in that way. Usually, it is decided after the child starts school. The parent(s) endeavour to ensure the well-being and/or safety of their child(ren). If your dad's reason was based on that principle, it was prescient. :)

    Another puzzling aspect comes to mind - sorry - if your father was concerned about the risk to your well-being and safety, why would he want you: to socialise freely with your peers (as you seem to); get involved with The Scouts and to get fully involved in extra curricular activities such as ballroom dancing? :confused:
     
  7. whitewiz

    whitewiz Fapstronaut

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    good luck squeaky you know its really somthing to be clean somthing special go for it
     
  8. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    My friend committed suicide shortly after his last text message. All of us responded to him in support, but his mind was made up. He never saw any of our messages.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  9. Aww man, I know exactly what you feel, bro. I once fell from a 149days streak. It seems minuscule to yours but man, it sucks. During those days I would write often too. Just repeat what helped you succeed, man and you'll get back to where you were.

    Best of wishes,
    Morethanaconuqeror_7
     
  10. Anturak

    Anturak Fapstronaut

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  11. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Relapse

    I have relapsed. I am responsible for my own actions. My friends suicide, my cold (And not being fit enough to exercise), and my sleepless night were the perfect brew for a relapse.

    I was lying in bed, and an urge came over me. About two hours later I was looking for triggering material. This eventually led to watching porn, and then to MO.

    Aaaaargh! I wish things could be easier.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  12. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Community Manager
    Staff Member

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    Hey Squeaky... right now you are going through a dark night of the soul. Don't beat yourself up for relapsing. I know God can feel distant at times like this. But just keep your heart lifted up to him. Have you talked to your priest about your feelings? He will be able to help.

    Wish you all the best, and my prayers are still with you.
     
  13. Ankur Sharma

    Ankur Sharma Guest

    if you relapse too often then dont go for 30 days at once...try to make it day by day for at least a week.
    Everything is possible for the person who believes - Jesus
     
  14. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Squeaky,

    I am so sorry that your friend chose to end his life. My condolences to you, his family, and all his friends that cared for him.

    Your friend,

    FW
     
  15. NoneForMeThanks

    NoneForMeThanks Fapstronaut

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    Squeaks,
    Im super sorry about your friend man. I really am. But, as harsh as this may sound, Dont let that interfere with your quit my brother. Now is when you need to be the strongest. During those sleepless nights read a book or go for a walk or take a cold shower! I know you have these tools and I know you know how to use them. I know these times are hard, but when the hard times get harder the strong get stronger my man. Stay Vigilant
     
  16. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Hello Everyone,

    Thanks IGY, Mumchance, Ankur Sharma, Freedom Warrior, and None For Me Thanks!

    I just realized why I wasn't able to fight the urges effectively. I use strong emotions to obliterate urges. I use intense anger to get them out of my way. I use my hatred towards PMO to fuel my workouts, to fuel my homework.

    In recent events, I have been angry a lot, I have been sad a lot. This morning, I was laughing hysterically at little things. I am having mood swings. Happy, then angry, happy, then sad, or happy, then empty. I have already been experiencing intense emotions so much that I couldn't muster up anymore to fight off the urges. I instead succumbed to the urges after being tormented.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  17. IGY

    IGY Guest

    That makes sense to me Squeaky Soul. You must be emotionally exhausted from the rollercoaster you are on. Try and be kind to yourself and self-nurturing.
     
  18. M L

    M L Guest

    SS - it's ok. You have had a very big trauma. Let yourself feel all those things. We are here for you x
     
  19. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I didn't quite know how to express my sympathy for you Squeaky, but that sounds like an unbelievably shitty situation. My condolences for the loss of your friend. :( I hope in the coming days/ weeks you can find more sustainable ways to grieve, rather than getting angry/ frustrated and turning to porn.
     
  20. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Squeaky,

    Get up, dust off, ride on. Exactly what you would tell me.

    FW
     

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