The Mighty That Fell ~ Squeaky Soul's Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Squeaky Soul, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Andrew0268

    Andrew0268 Fapstronaut

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    Hey,


    I wish you well and all.

    But I wonder what was happening in your life when you took a step back? Were you under stress? Breakup? Feeling anti-social? Not enough good alone time (non-PMO of course)? Did something happen in your family or friend circle?

    From what you wrote I intuit that something has changed. I know most of my reasons for PMO are non-sexual. They are anxiety(about any number of things), worry about women or money, feeling bad about my status, shame, guilt, feeling like a crappy man. ....

    Those are some of my big triggers. I sexualize my problems....then I don't deal with them and seek release though PMO. When the problems are under control or at least in my conscious then I have very little urge to PMO.

    Just remember .... you did 278 days!!!! that's awesome. I think I could sooner climb Mt. Everest than do 278 days. I'm only at 19 or whatever. you're an inspiration. And learn from your mistake. Know that there is some urge in you that you still need to outgrow in order to do no PMO again.

    My 2 cents is that there is something more you need to learn about yourself.

    Good luck
     
  2. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    I agree. There is something I need to learn about myself.

    The problem is I Think I know everything about myself.

    Thanks Andrew,

    ~SS
     
  3. terminator1

    terminator1 Fapstronaut

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    Just keep fighting. And remind yourself how sweet freedom is from this lustful, joyless, addicted, life. I myself should be posting everyday. You are an inspiration buddy just don't give up.
     
  4. Anturak

    Anturak Fapstronaut

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    There is so much to learn about ourselves. There is so much we don't know and are ignorant about, and even the things that we do know may just be cutting the surface. Always keep learning about yourself man. That's what I'm gonna spend my life doing. Just learning more n more, how to be less and less sabotaging my own worth, happiness and potential.
     
  5. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    It's been a bumpy road with everything that has been going on.

    My friend's death, my mother's bad health flaring up again, other responsibilities...

    I am very lowly motivated. I have been thinking about tackling my mountain of homework that has been piling up. The only thing I am crawling forward in is my Eagle Scout rank... I am slowly making progress in that.

    On a positive note, I made my family an orange upside down cake with white cake batter and naval oranges. I added about 1 and a 1/2 oranges worth of orange zest to the cake batter. It was amazing. Cooking and baking cheers me up, but as soon as I am no doing it I feel empty inside. Am I depressed?

    I can't keep making food forever! I run out of ingredients, and I have other, more important things to do.

    What do I do?

    ~SS
     
  6. IGY

    IGY Guest

    You have had a really rough time, it's true. You possess a natural exuberance, but I am not surprised that you feel deflated. Some lapses back into former habits have also had an impact upon you. That is understandable. In spite of it all, you are making headway with your beloved Eagle Scout rank. Even though you are behind with your homework, you have not given up. Even in the face of multiple disappointments, grief and anxiety - you are not a quitter! I always love reading about your cooking, because you always talk about your ingredients and how you have made the dish as delicious as possible - how is it you are still a skinny guy, though? lol :p

    I am sure your mum (and the others) appreciated your kindness in making this. I can relate to what you said though - as soon as you complete it you feel empty inside. Yes, it is depression, likely as a result of grief and exacerbated by the other things that have been happening. You cannot make food forever, but I a sure your mum will appreciate your help while she is ill and in pain. Cakes and even savoury dishes make nice gifts for neighbours and friends. One of the best ways to help yourself in this life is to help others. As Jesus pointed out, there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving. You can testify to that my friend! Bless you brother: IGY :)
     
  7. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    I need to make a commitment to this forum. I was doing great until my friend died.

    Last night I watched porn continuously for one hour. Within that hour I O'd three times.

    I can't believe myself. I know what I have to do, but I can't help it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

    IGY, you're the only one. Thanks.

    ~SS
     
  8. M L

    M L Guest

    SS, you have been under a lot of strain lately. I'm really sorry about your mum's ill health. You are an amazing young man to have helped so many of us here at different times.

    It's good you're back and starting again. Just try and be as peaceful in your spirit as you can. We are here for you..
     
  9. Leo33

    Leo33 Fapstronaut

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    Hello Catholic brother: Here is a good meditation from St Faustina's Diary:


    Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy.

    —But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness.

    Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father.

    — In the soul arises this reply: "For me there is no mercy," and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near to God.

    Jesus calls to the soul a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self-chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand God's effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest.

    My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace.

    Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father.

    Soul (as if awaking, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there yet is mercy for me?

    Jesus: There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life.

    Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness.

    Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does — that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness.

    Soul: O Lord, save me Yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord ...

    Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, He leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the flames of love.

    Jesus: Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it.

    Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart.

    Jesus: Tell me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of your Best Friend, is listening to you.

    Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with Your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve the depths of hell for spurning Your graces.

    Jesus (interrupting): Do not be absorbed in your misery — you are still too weak to speak of it — but, rather, gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey.

    Soul: Now I understand Your mercy, which protects me, and like a brilliant star, leads me into the home of my Father, protecting me from the horrors of hell that I have deserved, not once, but a thousand times. O Lord, eternity will hardly suffice for me to give due praise to Your unfathomable mercy and Your compassion for me (1486).


    Peace brother, Leo
     
  10. NoneForMeThanks

    NoneForMeThanks Fapstronaut

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    Squeaks, theres nothing wrong with you man. Your brain is just tricking you into believing PMO is a good thing. Your brain is lying to you. We all have to be smarter than our brains squeaks...

    I know you can get a hold of yourself. I know you can pull yourself out of this my man. It is never too late to turn things around. And we both know even through all the withdrawal symptoms and ups and downs, being off the PMO feels amazing. The process of recovery feels AMAZING!!!! I want you to get there buddy, I believe you can do it. Only you can make yourself get there though. Keep pushing buddy.
     
  11. Happiness

    Happiness Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this all, Squeaky. You are an inspiration! Best of luck to you with leveling out after relapse - thats the phase I'm going through now myself.
     
  12. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the replies everyone. It is really good to start again.

    I have had a really hard weekend, but I feels good to get through the tough times without feeling I should have done something differently. I was running an event, and in my position I have to be constantly dealing with opposition from people that don't want to do what they're told, who have to make big deals out of things. When they sink to a low level, it's up to me to stay smiling, and not drop to their level. but, like I said, it feels good to be brave, and to not regret anything I have done this weekend :)

    I just did 100 leg-lifts and 100 sit-ups. It feels good to accomplish something big like that, so it must feel amazing to be free from PMO. I can't just lie around. My insomnia is a big problem. If I can't go to sleep, I end up getting bored, I play around on my phone, I see something that tempts me, and I fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

    ~SS
     
  13. NoneForMeThanks

    NoneForMeThanks Fapstronaut

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    Squeaks,
    I suffer from insomnia as well my friend. Here's what Ive been doing lately to combat it:

    1) Started drinking sleepy time tea before bed. Idk if it works, but if anything its nice to have some relaxing tea before bed.
    2) Started doing cardio. If you are physically exhausted, you will sleep much better.
    3) Staying more active during the day, no naps!!
    4) If my mind is racing at bedtime, I will meditate to help relax my mental state and get closer to sleeping.

    If anything, if you feel the pull towards triggering material while youre sleeping immediately get out of bed and do ANYTHING else. Take a cold shower!!! Clean your room, walk down and get a snack etc. Or, you may want to think about leaving your phone in another part of your home during bedtime to remove that temptation completely.

    Hope this helps my friend. 3 Days feels good, just imagine how good 1 week will feel. Baby steps brother.
     
  14. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks None, and everyone else.

    Last night I had a nocturnal emission. It felt good I guess to have release without the guilt.

    I prayed and meditated last night before going to sleep. I got a good night sleep!

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  15. feo1966

    feo1966 Fapstronaut

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    Squeaky ..actually... the evidence shows that guilt is MORE LIKELY to lead to a relapse. Here is a quote from the book Will Power Instinct

    McGonigal, Ph.D., Kelly (2011-12-29). The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can DoTo Get More of It (pp. 147-148). Penguin Group. Kindle Edition.

    McGonigal, Ph.D., Kelly (2011-12-29). The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can DoTo Get More of It (pp. 148-149). Penguin Group. Kindle Edition.
     
  16. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Wow, thanks for the advice Feo. I guess I should forgive myself now :)

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  17. M L

    M L Guest

    Hi Squeaky,

    You've been quiet lately, I hope you're feeling more settled and peaceful. Let us know how you, when you can:)
     
  18. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks M L,

    I'm doing good, I have just been very tempted lately. Recently, the lucky ladies in my life have been a temptation for me. I don't know what it is. What do you think I should do?

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  19. M L

    M L Guest

    Well, they are real people, and that's who you want to find attractive:) maybe you can be good friends with them (or one in particular) and see where it leads..
     
  20. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    It's about time I get back on the high horse,

    I am finally getting back to a regulated schedule. Regulated schedule = no relapses.

    I am finally making a dent in my now mountain of homework.

    I will stick the old rules... I will also make a daily post confirming I haven't broken any.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
    Kurapika and M L like this.

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